Saturday, May 14, 2011

He's leaving me.............

This is for Antony, AKA, Ahmed, A-town, Cotton, Pizza, and the rest of my boys that I have gotten to know in the last 3 years.

On Thursday, May 12 2011, I watched as my 15 year old 1st born son, became a 2nd class petty officer and his unit won the most distinguished unit award since 2007.

Watching the ceremonies, and awards being given, the slide show of the past year, and seeing all the kids, I have driven around to parking duties, volunteer clubs, food drives, and other ROTC events, it struck me so hard that my son is a young man, and will be leaving me in 2 years, My heart broke. Sitting there with tears streaming down my face, I thought.. wow. He's a young man, and going on with his life, and what the F*K am I going to do with out him???

Antony.. What to tell you about this kid. I fought for him my whole life, his whole life, and when things got rough for us this past year, he stepped up and became my rock. He's an amazing young man. (I know, I call him a boy) but he's not, he's so much more.

He's smart, intuitive, sensitive, strong, and loyal. He's a smartass, like me, he knows how to roll with the punches, and he's tough. I taught him how to love life, no matter what comes our way, and he does.

I never thought I would miss my kids. I love them all in different ways. Krystal is my 1st born daughter, and I am proud as hell of her. Antony is my 1st born son, and again, I am proud as hell of him. Jacob, is my 1st born son by Paul, and so he holds a special place too. Gabriel is the baby of the family, and of course, also holds a that special place. Alexis, is my 1st born grand child, another special place.

I am not your typical soccer mom, not June Cleaver, nor Betty Crocker, HA! Nope.. so I never thought I would miss my kids in the typical way a mother does. Honestly, I can't stand my kids 1/2 the time. They drive me bat shit as my Favorite Aunt would say.

My parents raised me with strong ethics and morals, Church and family, that was #1, and roots. I hated it. I swore to god I was NOT going to be like my parents. I was not going to raise my kids the way they did. I would NOT have empty nest syndrome! Well I F*Ked that one up. God just laughed at me again. Oh, I didn't raise them EXACTLY like mom and dad, who by the way have been married 58 years this year, and still kicking, but somewhere in there, I think I got it right, which just messed up my plans of wanting my own life.

I will miss the HELL out of Antony, and I suppose, the other kids when it is their time to fly the coop.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Slow my Roll... ... it's complicated!

This will be a short one, but had a discussion last night with someone I care about a lot. Maybe to much right now, but rolling with it. Am I real? Yeah, as real as you can get. Loyal, blunt and have a wild streak a mile wide.

BUT, here's the deal, The people in my life are here for a reason, long term or short term, and I am good with that. This goes back to my blog on goals. Anyway, << hate that word, but have stuff to do, so again, this is a quick one.

I am who I am. You'll not find another like me. Maybe, but doubtful. Independent, strong willed, opinionated, but open to anything anyone wants to throw at me. Good, bad, or indifferent. I can deal. Mature enough to know what I want out of life, and smart enough to get it, and I will. Eventually.

Kids raised, schooling, Paris, license, and a man. Yea... a man, but not full time. Maybe eventually, but yeah.. we'll see.

So to this I add, I love the ones I had, I love the the one I'm with, and I will love the one in the future.

Rock and Roll Drummer man~Live to the music! Loving life~

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Today is the day..... back to the Doctor. I have to say, this is a scary one for me, and something I rarely admit. My side is killing me, and I went cold turkey off all meds last July. I don't want meds again. I want my license and Paris, and ... yeah, Rick... eventually when we can mesh things together.

What I don't want is chemo. I swore to god they had better come up with something more effective, and as far as my research goes, they have not. I know this is back, I can feel it. I hate it, and I don't want it. It scares the shit out of me. I will NOT go back on chemo, so if any of my friends have links or advice or anything else that will get me through this holistically, then put them on here. I cannot take care of my kids and business, schooling and Paris if I am on chemo, won't work, and I refuse to give into this illness.

They call doctors practitioners for a reason, so, guess what? I can practice to, and google gives me a bevy of information on what I have and what I can possibly do to get me through this.

What I have? Retro peritoneal fibrosis. You can look it up, but basically it absorbs my internal organs. It is inflammation of internal organs and my spleen is gone, and now it is on my kidney and liver. WOW... did I say that out loud? Ya... I did. Sigh. Have to say, this sucks, but I will beat it. I did once before, and I will again.

It is an inflammation between the lining and the back wall of the peritoneum. On top of this, I have Raynauds and all this, together puts me at risk for a host of other cancers like non Hodgkins lymphoma, rare blood cancers, oh, and my recent fun with skin cancers. Basil cell is non invasive and easily taken care of, but not mine. Apparently I am an anomaly. Mine is invasive, just as invasive as melanoma. Hence my not being able to be out in the sun much, which annoys the crap out of me, because I LOVE the sun.

So, here's my thought... screw it! I will do what I can on my end, but I will NOT go on Chemo, and I will NOT give up my sun. I will however do everything else suggested.

Cats out of the bag. Have fun with this one, I know I will..... It's part of life.

Here is a link, and yes, mine is idiopathic, never been to the middle east and never did cocaine.