Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Today I had some hard decisions to make. I knew they were coming and I didn't want to make the wrong ones. You see, it involves my children and my granddaughter whom I have custody of.

I will give you some back ground..... I grew up, in the same home, same parents... no divorce. My parents are still married, 58 years this year,  and only sold their home after 45 years of living there. We always had our home and friends to go back to. I still have friends I grew up with. I went to the same schools my entire life, and stayed in the same area my whole life. Realistically, I understand that may not be an option, but I will do what I can to make it happen for them. I will not abandon them.

I understand that in this day and age things are different, but it doesn't have to be. I want my children to have stability and responsibility and accountability. Choosing to be with Rick is giving them that. I'm not saying that their father is a bad father, I'm saying we have different views on how the children should live. 

I am trying desperately to hang onto my home. I want them in the same schools, they have been traumatized enough with what they have dealt with in the last year and a half. I get that the market is down, I get that I am under or over 120,000,00 in debt if I choose to short sale my home. However, the money is not the issue, if I can find a way to hang on to this dead horse and make it work for the children, then I will do so. I do no want to up-root them, and have them face more challenges than they need to at this point in time.

At the moment I live in a 1932 farm house. It needs work, but nothing major. The kids love this house and the school they are in. They have friends and activity's that would change for all of them if I let it go. This is one of the hardest decisions I will ever have to make, and as far as I am concerned, I will fight for this place to my dying breath.

To the one who is making me fight for this..... remember, karma is a bitch, and it will come back on you, For the ones who are helping me,... I cannot thank you enough, or express my gratitude in all you do for me through your friendship and support.

Signing off, god bless all of you.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My life

So, I sit here at 1am in the morning, wondering where my life is going. Last year, I had plans. Simple plans. Go to school, get my appraisers license and continue my home business. 

I turned 47 today, and I have always taken care of myself. Always, and others. I look at what is happening around me, and my heart hurts for what my children may be facing in the next month or so. 

I have slowly closed my business, due to personal and health issues, and can no longer work in the public. Now I am facing loosing my home, my children's home. I have no idea where to turn or what to do. It really makes me wonder what I have done in my life to warrant this possible ending. I know when one door closes, another door opens, but at the moment it is to dark to see the other door. 

My faith is strong, and I have good people in my life. I have a man whom I love and support with all my heart, and he does the same for me. However sometimes, things are beyond our control, and we have to sit back and see where the cards fall. 

My older son is in ROTC, he is a good kid and has goals, my younger kids, are all in bible study, choir and school activities, but the events in their life in the last year has caused them to distrust what may happen in their future. I have tried to teach them that nothing is guaranteed and that anything can happen, but also, no matter what, I love them. 

I have done what I could to hang on to this family and keep us together. I just don't know if I have the strength anymore to continue. I am tired. Tired of all the drama and fighting. Tired of trying to hang on to something that I thought was worth it for them, but other's in my life do not feel the same. I feel like the ones who should care what happens to these kids, have turned their back on us. Most of the time, I roll with this, I don't let it get to me, but today, not only my birthday, but also the anniversary of someone who made a promise to me and our children, broke that promise for his own selfish reasons. I have forgiven him, which enabled me to move on, but I don't believe the children have.

My husband wanted out of our marriage. Out of the blue, now he wants to walk Scott free and not pay a dime for any thing. He has not thought about the trauma his leaving and involving another woman in my children's lives, prior to divorcing me, has done to them. He is not thinking about what he is choosing to do now, He refuses to see what it will do to them. They have accepted her to a point, but I can still see the anger and deal with it daily. They love Rick and respect him for supporting me and being a part of my happiness, but as all children do, they do not understand, and I don't know how to tell them that dad is no longer going to pay for their home. 

I try to stay positive, and keep them moving along on a daily basis and to concentrate on school and being kids. It is not always easy and I am not perfect. 

I have a decision to make, and it is not going to be easy for anyone involved. Mostly it will not be easy for my children. I have prayed and thought on this in the last month, knowing this was coming and I do not have an answer as to how to deal with it, but I trust god will get me through this one way or the other. No matter what I do. 

Blessings and love to all.