Friday, September 27, 2013

Rebellion

Growing up with an older brother, who was smart, a goody two shoes, honor roll, Straight A's, and never got into trouble was not an easy task. 

Starting high school, I was always greeted with the phrase, "oh, you're _____ little sister." 

Um, yea... I have a name. This went on for quite sometime. I think I decided by the time I hit my sophomore year, I was going to make my own name. Screw him, who the hell does he think he is? Pompous  and sanctimonious came to mind. A LOT. 

I ran with every crowd there was. Where I grew up, it was quite the "cliquey" little town. Social status was based on address, clothing, and who was in the coolest groups. You're typical small town mentality. 

I had a astigmatism in my left eye, and back in the day, to be able to get contacts, you would have to wear hard ones. I did, because being called 4 eyes was not to my liking. I broke my glasses twice, on purpose to be able to get the coveted contacts. 

My high school had a swimming pool that we used frequently. The drawback for me was the chlorine and contacts combined, left my eyes blood shot. unbeknownst to me, it was being reported to my parents that I was smoking pot, and using drugs. I was not at this point, but soon became tired of defending myself, and the constant fighting at home, that I did start using. Whats funny is, I was not experimenting with what I was being accused of. Nope! With my now typical "fuck you" attitude, I took it up a notch and started with Acid. 

Oh, don't get me wrong, I had booze, in fact my 1st big indecent came when I stole a bottle of my dad's Drambuie, and drank it straight in a half hour time period, and proceeded to pass out on the 50 yard line at the homecoming game during half time. I was taken home in an ambulance, and my mother dragged my butt to church the next day. )Like that helped) 

I also tried pot, and did not like it. Nor did I go back to the booze hardcore. My score was the acid. I was in love with it. It was beautiful. I could function fully, but everything in my world just became brighter and happier. I can only thank god that, it was a seasonal drug at the time, and I could only get it during the late summer and early fall months. 

This carried me through high school, where I finally became so bored with the whole rebellion idea and drug's, (it was becoming to cliche)  that I figured I would take this game I was playing up another notch. Ohhh... what to do, what to do. Wait, I know.... I'll get kicked out my senior year. Therefore  I would not be labeled a dropout, I could blame it on the school. I set out to do this by skipping enough days to not have all my required credit, so bottom line was, after 19 days, right prior to to the end of the year. I was called before the board along with my parents, and let go. 

I turned around and did another "fuck you," and attended college that summer for a month and graduated anyway with my diploma. The I took off for parts unknown for three year's, finally surfacing when I became pregnant with my daughter. 

Time to grow up.... but that is another story for later. 

Peace~ 


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Dark days....darker nights

I'm alone in my thoughts... Introspection. 

Love brings us joy, light... Sunshine, and happiness; but there are times, where it is dark. 

I think about the men I have loved, the reasons why... They allude me. Each one, has broken me in a different way. Betrayed me... Or was it me, who betrayed myself? I don't have the answer to that one yet. 

One.... There is one, who shared with me, everything he is, his light, and his dark. The depths of where I was taken, the things I saw, changed the core of who I am. 

You cannot change who you love, because love is unconditional, there is no judgement, no choice, it just is. No ego. 

I have always loved without reserve. I will continue to love the same. I will not allow myself to be jaded. 

My path will continue as always, I will shoulder that darkness that is in all of us, and hope that I can change, in one small way, the thinking of others, in the hopes that I may bring some light to show the way. 

Peace~








Irony

So, yesterday I made a post on being a techtard. I am not good with computers, my luck it seems is bad in fact. I have crashed 2 of them, had another 3 stolen, and replaced them each time. I know nothing about motherboards, operating systems, and the technical side of the workings of a computer. 

Later in the day, I had gone into my room to do a second post that was on my mind,  and I thought some quiet time would help. 

I get all set up in my room, laptop on lap, coffee, smokes, and get ready to write. I had my coffee on the bedside stand, and reached over to get it. Needless to say, the handle on that particular cup, had broke off at one time, not so long ago, and I had just glued it a couple of weeks ago. I had been using this cup daily since fixing it.

Well, it just happens to be this particular day, that the handle chooses this moment to remove itself from the cup.... and not in the air, between the desk and my lap, it just happens to do it, when I get it over my lap. 

Alright then. Murphys law? Someone that can see the sign on my forehead that says, oh, she can handle this, she's pretty good at handling everything that comes her way?

In slow motion, I watch as half my coffee, with creamer of course, splashes down and up like a wave hitting a rock and washes across my keyboard. Damn! Ok, I quickly flip the computer upside down, pop out the battery, and start to dry off as much as I can. I'm looking at my jeans, thinking, it's OK  it's OK .. most of that coffee ended up on my left pant leg, completely encircling it. 

Rik comes into the room upon hearing my swearing and cursing and the ruckus I am making trying to get to the towel, and says, Leave it like that, upside down, until tomorrow. I'm thinking, fine, damn, I'm down again. I borrow his computer to make a post to let people know that I will not be on for a few days... and hoping that my computer will boot up in the morning. Having visions of caramelized creamer at this point, I am thinking with my luck? Yea, not likely. 

I get up this morning, and boot up... it gets as far as my password lock and all these little dots fill my password space. I try the backspace, and nothing. Dead in the water. 

What next? Now I am on the hunt for another computer... lacking funds at the present time, I am hoping someone has one to donate or loan, until I can get another. 

Moral? Watch out for Murphy... he's not a nice guy. 




Monday, September 23, 2013

The part I hate... stress

Alright..... 

Here comes the part I hate about doing anything on a computer. I can do copy and paste, a little html, and uploading of photos. Beyond that. Not much more. 

I'm looking at this blog of mine this morning, and wondering where all my links are. I use to have feedjit on here, which is a widget that tells me my traffic and where it is coming from. If it is organic hits, or from an actual search engine. I had my store link on here, and a follow this blog button and subscribe. 

So, the million dollar question, is, where are they? I can see them on the backend, but when I click on my link to actually read the post, poof... they are gone. 

I customized my template when I started writing more, so I wonder if it is the actual template, and if I have to re-do it, or if it is me... the techtard. 

I am scared of anything to do with a computer half the time. I think I have blown through 4-5 of them in 3 years time, because I was told, anything you do, you can un-do.. well I took that literally, and paid the price, more than once. I crash my computers frequently, and I am not in a position at this point in my life to pick up another one. 

So here is the deal, I am also transferring everything on this blog to word, and I am having trouble with that. So, any advice as to how to do that with as little pain as possible to me would be wonderful! 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Everything gets broken..........

We should just love, not fall in love,

 because everything that falls gets broken.

What is falling in love... 

A lot of things are inherent in life -change, birth, death, aging, illness, accidents, calamities, and losses of all kinds-

 but these events don't have to be the cause of ongoing suffering.

 Yes, these events cause grief and sadness, but grief and sadness pass, like everything else, and are replaced with other experiences. 

The ego, however, clings to negative thoughts and feelings and, as a result, magnifies, intensifies, and sustains those emotions while the ego overlooks the subtle feelings of joy, gratitude, excitement, adventure, love, and peace that come from Essence.

 If we dwelt on these positive states as much as we generally dwell on our negative thoughts and painful emotions, our lives would be transformed.

It's all relative in the end........ 

I dreamed of you...


I dream of you, the loss of reality.
To late for me to hold dear,
and to kiss the mouth which is the birthplace of your soul. 


I dreamed of you, my arms, ache in a attempt to circle your shadow. 

 To embrace the contours of your body.  Coming face-to-face with the reality of what haunt's me and rule's me for days....

Off center of the emotional scale....

I dreamed of you,  it may be too late to wake again.  And yet when it comes to you,
the only person who matters to me now,
I can no more touch your face and lips than I can those of the next strange person. 


To trace you, to draw the beauty of your soul, and hold dear on paper.... 

I've dreamed of you so often,  slept so much with your presence that perhaps the only thing left for me to do now
is to become a shadow that moves silently through your life.

Growing up me

From the time I was a little girl I always felt outside myself. It was like watching a movie.... 

Flashes of memory's that were not mine, but were. Climbing trees, making trails in the woods, going to the beach. 

Trips.. Vermont, Boston, Maine, New York and all the other states. Wearing tennis shoes in the river, coming across country in a Volkswagon Van. Hippie curtains on the windows, my dad made. 

Church, and standing on the steps on Easter, my matching coat and hat, with white gloves.  Sunday school, and teacher, telling us we were adopted. Remembering I already knew that, but not how I knew. Mom, handing me a little white pad of paper and pencil, so I would be quiet during the sermon, and draw. 

Piano lessons, and recitals... little white dresses, with Black bows and Black patent leather Mary- Jane's. 

Summers in Idaho on my Aunts 80 acre farm on a lake. Learning to sail in a thunder storm, and my boat capsizing, and me getting it upright and running aground in a thicket of cat tails. My Aunt, laughing at me from the deck of her home. 

Country fairs, bailing hay, riding horses. California with my cousins. Driving a tractor.... putting up fence... 

Dance lessons, plays, afraid of being on stage. Watching my little self in sequined outfit, tutu's, and more little white gloves. Pill box hat's with lace coming down in front. Turning away from the camera's and audience. 

Halloween, and brisk October nights, running the streets, playing. Riding my bike, building forts in the woods. Clean cool air.... 

Being a teenager, having girlfriends, going to party's and concerts.... berry picking and babysitting....sitting on the roof of the house I babysat at. Working in my aunt's jewelry store. Sitting on the stool, outside the door on a hot summer morning, drinking sparkling apple juice, pretending it was a beer. 

Flag team, drill team.... football and fall... my 1st big mistake, drinking moonshine, passing out during homecoming, at half time on the 50 yard line. Paramedics. Being dragged back to church the next morning... 

Hot rods, and sitting in the high school parking lot. Rally's at the beach where we caught the bus with opposing school members. 

Playing Frisbee while riding our bikes around the lake on Saturday mornings. 

Sneaking out of the house when mom and dad were out, going to the beach in the dark, staying to the shadows, out of the street lights, to not get caught. Sitting on  the dock, watching the moon over the lake, and feeling like we were doing something truly wrong, when really all it was, was adventurous. 

Stealing my dad's car, doing brodies  in the supermarket parking lot, under the street lights, and rolling it. Bringing it home, and parking exactly where he had it, hoping against hope that he would not find out. 

Camping on the lawn in the back yard, waiting till midnight to sneak out and go to the beach. Water skiing at 3 am, on Feb 1st, every year all through high school. 

Trying pot for the 1st time, in my Sophomore year, not liking it. My dad asking how I knew what pot smelled like when I asked why the flower bed smelled of it. Laughing when he said it was a spray to keep the dog from lying on mom's flowers. 

I was a butterfly... a gypsy... free, constantly changing. Evolving 
Skinny dipping, drinking, sitting on the hoods of muscle cars.... feeling wild and free.... so ignorant and innocent in my defiance against rules.... 

Hitch hiking with a girlfriend to California, only going the wrong way, and being picked up by a trucker, who's father was a preacher, ending up in Spokane, and staying in the basement of their home, him driving us back to Everett to the college so we wouldn't miss class. 

All these memory's and more, are all surreal to me... living them, but only watching them from the outside of myself. Always looking for something....never knowing what. 




Saturday, September 21, 2013

fodder...

Have you ever been in a situation that you know you are fragile, you know if you cave it is you who deals with the fallout, not the other people involved? 

Dealing with everyday life is difficult enough without having deep seated emotions thrown in on top of it. 

No, nothing worth doing or having is easy, but there is a time where you need to draw the line. Some people are incapable of doing this, especially if emotion is the driving force behind the decision making and not a logical well thought out choice... 

Processing each step in your life is not easy, learning from it can be harder. What do you want, what do other people want, what's it about, and where does it lead.... is it a dead end, or does it have cross roads.... is the potential for something new there, or a renewal of something lost. 

We all have moments in time where we have to deal with the choices we make. The impact it may have on others. We're human, with base needs, visceral needs. Is it right though to follow through on that need when the impact could irreparably damage the people around them? 

I don't judge people, you do what you do, and I do what I do.... but the bottom line comes when you have to deal with the impact you have made on other's. Was the decision that I made right or wrong, and is the one the other person made, right or wrong.  

fodder.... food for thought 
I'll throw out an example. When I was pregnant, with my now 28 year old daughter, I made the decision to leave her father due to drug abuse and physical abuse. Years later, he said to me.... well if you stayed, it may have changed my behavior. Ha!  No, I don't doubt that for a minuet, it would have changed for the worst, not that we weren't already there, but it would have made the situation unbearable. So I left... you are responsible for your own actions, and I for mine. End of story. 

Amor vincit omnia... 

Love conquer's all..... 


Vultures......The Nitty Gritty

Politics..... 

I hate politics! Remember when the world went crazy about Monica Lewenski and Clinton? Good god, what a ruckus that was. My thought's at the time, were "really people" Don't you have anything better to worry about, or talk about or put in the mainstream media? Christ, what a bunch of idiots. 

I'm sorry, but really, how was this anyone's business? It should have stayed between Clinton, his wife and the "other woman".... 

You people, and you know of whom I speak; the ones who feel the need to be involved in every aspect of someone's life. Anywhere from business, to personal, to how someone is in public. Why, for crying out loud, do you care? How does any of this benefit you? 

In my estimation, it makes you nothing but a vulture, circling the prey, waiting for a fall from grace, so you can swoop in,  get your claws in and rip the dead and broken apart. 

Clearly you have nothing better to do with your life, but to live vicariously through someone else. Grow up! OK? The only time your opinion is wanted is when it is asked for. 

You are nothing but a bunch of blood sucking leeches, who feed off drama, and create more. When are you going to get your own life? When are you going to stay the hell out of everyone else's. You are like an octopus, you're tentacles reaching out for the next piece of algae that floats on by. 

bet you sang that... lol.... 
Get a life I say... stay out other people's lives. You have no business there. You say human nature? I say excuse. You are nothing but a shallow parasite.  Oh, and if you are thinking that this would be your next big conquest, think again.  History repeats itself. Remember that. 

Do me a favor, change how you view things, it's not always about you... have the decency and courtesy to mind your own. 

Caveat; I have purposely  left out names, places and people to protect the NOT so innocent. 



Internal alarm clock

Often, I have been asked, why don't you relax, why are you up at 6 am on day when you could be sleeping in? Why? Why? 

I wish I could, honestly, I have even tried to go back to sleep on occasion, but invariably I end up getting up, starting my day, getting coffee on, and working on my computer. 

I spent 28 years of my life getting up at 530 am. With children, and then work, and then eventually running my on-line business. 

the last 12 of them dealing with a rare illness, which in turn kept me awake more often than not. 

As my children got older and they could attend themselves getting off to school and activities in the summer. I was still up. "mother hen". Making sure they were safe. 

I am down to two at home now, and they are gone every other weekend with their father. I am still up. This drives me insane half the time... I want to sleep, take time for myself, but just feel the need apparently to be up! 

The alarm clock is broken, it won't shut off. 

Friday, September 20, 2013

No one is to old for fairy tales....

We all want that happily ever after, and no matter what age you are, I believe that you can have it, if you truly look into your own soul and decide who you are and what you want.... 

What we send out into the world is like a ripple on the water when a stone is thrown in... those ripples go out to the shore, and come back to where the stone began to make them..... 

contemplating 
The older we get, the more we strive to become better people, have integrity, show compassion, and we do this because of maturity and lessons that have been given to us through our own journey.... 

Some do not have a long one, and they find that fairy tale when they are young... some of us, grow older, still looking for that illusive connection with a human being that we can take the rest of our journey with.... 

some, may never find it... but I personally don't believe it... it takes time, and self reflection, character... soul searching... learning, fixing, changing...evolving... 

I am still evolving... and I know there are reasons, but those to are illusive to me... 

Still searching my soul... 

Music.......

Music..... 


I grew up with music... 

Every morning, my father would have KJR on the radio. Oldies but goodies. Evenings he had classical on the stereo, Mozart, Chopin, Beethoven, Bach....  He had the stereo in the living room and put speaker in the kitchen.  We would have music with breakfast and dinner. 

My mother sang in the church choir, but prior to that, and I may have mentioned this before, she sang Opera. She attended the New England Conservatory of Music and at graduation, sang Ava' Marie in Latin. 

We were all three of us, my two brother and I, trained classically on the piano. 14 years I did, then clarinet and key boards. We also were put into dance classes. Tap, Ballet, modern, and swing. All this starting at the ages of 3 for all of us. 

As I grew older, (my teens) I was turned on to Rock and Roll. Classic Rock. Rock from the 60's. (I think I could have lived the 60's very happily. Haight Ashbury, Woodstock.... oh the fun I would have had.) 

My mother hated it, not so much my dad. I think he was a little more free spirited than my mother. I remember though, he would yell, what most typical parents yell, "turn that crap down"!  I do this to my son now, when he has his sub woofer so loud and he's playing Frank Sinatra.. Laughing here, really? Sinatra with a subwoofer. Go figure.... but I still yell at him, I can't hear the music! 

By the way, I'd like to shoot who ever came up with the idea of putting a subwoofer in the trunk of the car, and having the bass so loud it's all you hear. At least with my music growing up, you could hear it.  

Missing my music too.... 




Friday nights...

It used to be, Friday nights was "the" night to hit the town. Three years ago, that's what I would do. Dinner, friends, dancing, music, drinks... meeting new people, and just loving life. 

Don't get me wrong, I still love my life, it's just my Fridays when the kids are gone, seemed to have abruptly come to an end. My life for the last three years has been on a constant high. Always something to do, somewhere to go, a new band to see... new people to meet. 

New dances to learn... I love dancing! I miss it... love my writing, but dancing for me is also a freedom of expression. 

I guess going into the fall, my activities will slow down a bit. I hate when I become sedentary. I am social and love to be on the go. It's stimulating to be out with people. I like being alone too, really have no problem with it. A good book, a glass of wine. Solitary. Nice.... but that's more for cold winter nights. 

I am home right now, thinking, why? Everyone else is out, having fun.... my kids are with their dad for the weekend, so what the heck am I doing? Sitting here writing... 

wanting to dance.... 


Peace out loves~ done for the night 

long distance.........

musings.... 

Let's be real, there's nothing wrong in a long distant relationship that is honest but we must live a realistic fact that phone calls are cool, texts are alright, tweets are chill, a facebook message is okay, but nothing...I mean nothing beats seeing someone in person!

I love my on-line relationships, phone calls are good, hate txting and tweeting, although everything from my business page goes out via, hootsuite and tweetdeck. (or both?) 

I'm a techtard, old school..... it used to be, that I had no idea how to turn on a computer, let alone, run the damn thing. 

Now at least, I know some.... just not all. Not algorithms, not html, not xml... none of it... it's a foreign language to me. 

I do all my own marketing, and run my business on-line, but honestly, I prefer the good old fashion face to face. I want to see the person I am talking to, look in their eyes. know them as a human being. 

I have been on-line now for 8 years... wow, I think I just stunned myself.. haha.. point being, I have solid relationships with people who I have never met, and some not so solid ones with people I have met. Kinda weird like that. I do have good ones with people I have met also, I guess it could really go both ways. 

I just like the old fashioned way... that is me. What I like is the connection... not the internet one, the human one. 

peace~ 


Still Standing......

This one goes back to my blog on "A beautiful mess". Well, I could revise that and say a "Chaotic beautiful mess" 

I had some pretty simple goals in place after my divorce became final. Schooling, raising children, going to London, and furthering my business. 

I started, I promise, but once again, I was derailed through no fault of my own. I went with it, kinda had to, no choice. Finances, and other contributing factors lead to a decision that was short lived. 

still standing 
Now I have a new goal, my writing, getting published, putting my story out there for people to learn from, or find solace in, or just to have fun reading. I'm a dreamer, romantic, and sometimes, my thoughts about something can be unrealistic. Eh, so what.. I'm human. Get over it. 

The point is, my life is changing once again, moving forward this time is a bit harder, I have no perfect description for what is taking place, no solid feelings. I only know I need a new perspective, I need to regroup and decide what it is I really need to focus on. 

I might be out of commission for awhile, but as you know, I always come back.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

She's whiskey in a teacup........

Good lord, I am so tired of hearing of these incidents with children, and men exposing themselves, and shootings, and rapes... violent crimes, everyday. I remember when I could turn on the T.V and see a good human interest story... something nice. Inspirational. Something that gave hope to humanity. 

What in the hell has gone wrong with everyone? Isn't it enough that we have homeless, poor, people going hungry, do we now have to add to the list of wrong doings, with people literally losing it? 

Where has everyone's morals and values gone. Where is the integrity? Have we completely lost it? I think of my mother, who is gone now, almost 2 years... and wonder what she would say. I think of my father who is still alive and just shakes his head. 

This is not how we were raised. Has the world gone mad? Is life really that bad? Think of all the people who suffer with illness, cancer, pain... 

Think of all the money in this world that could with one fell swoop, alleviate so much of what is happening to everyone. I hear so many excuses, and a lot comes from the main stream media. Oh, well, its a bad neighborhood, they had split family's, the parent abandoned them. Jesus! Just stop giving these people excuses to go out and do these horrendous crimes. 

My psychology teacher once told me, and I still believe it to this day. There are no problems, there are only situations and solutions. 

When are we going to fix what is broken, instead of throwing it away. We are perpetuating our own demise. Does anyone understand this? We are on the fast track to derailing for good. Think about that people.... think about your children and grandchildren. What example are we setting for them? 
whiskey in a teacup 

So what, your angry. It's counter productive to living a life of harmony and love. Get over it. I could use the excuse that I was adopted, I have abandonment issues... well, bullshit. It's my life and my choice and I choose to be happy. Why the hell can't the rest of you? You know who I'm talking to here, you.. the ones making choices that affect other's adversely. 

The ones who purposely bring pain to others because of their pain. We cannot fully understand the mystery of one individual person, but we can certainly practice tolerance and acceptance. 

rant done... 

love and peace people, keep it simple. 

conversations with friends

Interesting conversations happening around me these days. Getting to know yourself is one theme that has been repeatedly chatted about recently. 

We talk about libido verses love, true love, ideals, moral's, values,  expectations and romanticism,  marriage, the "honeymoon" period, settling in, and then, reality. 

So what is this elusive connection we all are searching for? The human spirit cannot live with out love, acceptance, intimacy, and when we don't have it, or have lost it, we deaden our hearts to the potential of it. Going through an endless cycle of people, and places.... constantly looking... 

When in fact we need to be looking within. Looking at what we have to offer.  What is valued and what isn't. What is our expectation, what do we really want. 

Talking with a good friend of mine about a woman he is seeing. He wants to move fast, there is a connection, she, wants slow. So, which is it? My thoughts are, you know when you get there.... so maybe they are not there yet?  Maybe none of us truly are there. 

Is this real, or illusion..... 
Is it all an illusion? What matter's to us in the end... is time linear or relative? An endless circle of changing faces, times, places..... or are we looking for the one we lost, in the beginning? The 1st one? 

My parents were married 58 years..... it's what I thought my life would be. And then I wonder, did what they have, was it real, or did they just come from a place in time, where you stayed, gave 100% of yourself, on both sides.  So are we changing with the times, the lining up of planets... are there atmospheric forces, beyond our ken, that we have no control over no matter what we choose or expect? 

Or does "love" come in more than one form? friendship, family, brotherly or sisterly... the age old question.... is it a belief, or what is written in a book..... 

Also, to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us, or who we loved is gone, should give us some faith and protection forever....... 





Ferris Wheel

I want more.... I am at a point and time in my life, where I just want more. Not material possessions  but more substance in my personal life. 

Circles.... slow motion circles 
Stability, income, normalcy. Love, support, longevity. Not this constant circle I am on. Not so much a roller coaster, more like a Ferris wheel, that keeps going in circles, in slow motion, almost as to say, this is what you are doing. This is where you are, and it's not going to change until I jump off and find a different ride. 

It's all very surreal, and some of it is Deja' vu.....

Names, jobs, income, and living arrangements are different, but the circle is the same. Just the colors of the cars I am in have changed. 

So what am I doing wrong that keeps me on this endless motionless circle, that is moving, but not moving? What is it in me, that feels the need to make the same choices over and over again? I know I am not doing it on purpose, I can't control what my heart tells me, I go with it... so why can I not recognize that I am creating this endless ride, again and again..... 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Shutting down....

I have gone through so many changes in the last 3 years. I'm tired.... tired of all the changes, tired of betrayals, tired of disappointments.....just tired. 

I'm shutting down. It used to be, I would reach out, keep my friends close, just hearing a kind word, or getting a hug, even the feeling that someone cared, helped. A simple phone call could peel me off the ceiling. Going out with friends, would get me out of myself enough to be able to process what was happening. For some reason lately, none of those things are helping.. 

I've considered many options lately, and just don't seem to have the energy to follow through... my thoughts are scattered and I'm losing focus. Writing would help, but even that is not really doing anything for me at the moment. 

I'm numb, shattered, broken, and just plain lost. I need to make some decisions and I am just unable to... what's right? what's wrong...... I don't know anymore......




Gaunyack... when children misbehave

The g is silent, a-u-n is pronounced, as a hard u -n hard  - yack is pronounced ah..and then a hard k. Comes out sounding like ha-un-yack or in English, honyahk  

A polish slang term that has been used for many year's when children misbehave. 

For many years, while we were growing up, my father would point his finger at us, and we would here that word. We knew we were in trouble. 

As we got older we would ask dad what it meant, and he said his father, who was born under the Russian Czar, Nicolas II; used it on them as children. My Grandfather was polish, and later married my grand mother who was from Romania. 

Altogether, Grandpa and Grandma raised 14 children, one having passed when he was 3, and another, during WWII. While growing up, dad would often here that term come from his father's mouth. He was never told what it meant, nor were his brother's and sister's. 

In later years, while I was in college, I had a polish landlord, and I asked him what it meant. He either did not understand the slang, did not know or would not tell me. He would get an impish look and just smile. I was using it on my daughter by then and so although I think he knew, he didn't want me to know. I continued to use it on all my children when they were not suppose to be doing something, or not doing chores and playing around. 

What was the big deal? We all thought that of course it had to be something really terrible, since it was only used when a parent was dealing with a child who was misbehaving. 

Yesterday, I had an interview in Bellevue. The lady who interviewed me, wanted back ground. She wanted to know what led me to where I was and why. In the course of the conversation, I had showed her pictures of my children, and grandchildren. My oldest son is 1/2 Egyptian, 1/2 white. My two middle son's have German heritage, and my granddaughter is Native American. We got to talking about heritage and I asked where she was from. Belarus, she said and she still has family there. Dating back to the stone age, Belarus was later settled by East Slavic tribes. Most of the descendants speaking a mixture of Polish, Bolshevik, and a smattering of English. 

I laughed and told her a bit about my father and grandfather. I asked her what the term meant. She said I was correct, it was slang, and there is no English translation, but basically meaning, poo... she was almost hysterical with laughter at this point, and had me laughing. By the time, she got out her description, I said so in other words, Little shit. Yes! Yes! She says.... 

I have been trying to call my father since then. Him and his remaining brother's and sisters, still do not know the meaning, although I'm sure they suspected as I did, it was not nice. Dad was born in 1928. He is 85.  It will have taken him 85 years to learn this term, and I can't wait to get a hold of him. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Who are your friends?

Once again, I am learning who my friends are and who only wanted to be, because of who I was, or even who I may have been with. 

I grew up here in Washington State. Raised in Lake Stevens, graduated, and went to college here. I worked the bar scene for a good 25 years, along with private security, and contract security. 

I won't go into detail but I will say this. You would think that by the time you are my age, the people around you being in the same age group would just grow the hell up. 

Don't think I have not heard about how certain people are and their reputation. When I worked security for so many years, I had people tell me things that could have put their butt's in jail. It was funny, and my girlfriend of 30 years and I still laugh about it now. I knew things about people that I didn't even know. 

I think people told me things because of how I presented myself.  Now don't get me wrong, I never divulged anything to anyone, but the point is, I could have, and lord knows I knew way to much about certain people and activitys that could have put me at risk. Why these people thought they could spill their troubles to me, or tell me things I had no business knowing, but apparently they still do. 

So here I sit, thinking again about the importance of having all these connections on the internet and how they benefit me in a positive or negative manner. I have come to the  conclusion, that I don't need them. Especially the ones who friend up with me, un-friend me, more than a couple of times, based on what might be happening in my personal life. If you follow me on twitter, facebook, my business page, LinkedIn, or other social network sites, add me, drop me, add me, and drop me, I'm done. Just done. I don't play games. I don't mince words. There will be no more on again off again. I no longer buy into the idea that the site removed you for the umpteenth time. 
I'll stick with the friends who have always had my back. I don't need new ones. I like the tried and true ones.   I know who my friends are. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

That's done .... what next?

Another chapter done. Trying to process why all this shit keeps happening to me. 

I know I wrote earlier about the paths we take, and how I think it is all connected and no matter which way we went we still end up in the same place.... 

so.. OK, what does that mean? 

My paths have been pretty winding, but I always seem to end up on the short end. Is it my nature? Am I always destined to be constantly trying to get over the next hurdle? Hurt, lost, confused..... 

I'm a good person, people tell me that all the time. I accept people for who they are, good and bad. No one is perfect. 

I mean yea, I always seem to have something happening, but isn't that life? I'm not the only one for Christ sake. 

Right now I am trying really hard not to lose my cool... I'm tired of constantly being screwed over. At least that is the way it seems right now. 

In closing; I'll say this... let me know when you can walk on water... until then? Fucking bite me. nuff said. 

done. 
A strong woman
is one who feels deeply
and loves fiercely

her tears flow

just as abundantly
as her laughter
A strong woman
is both
soft and powerful
practical and spiritual
A strong woman
in her essence
is a gift to all the world

Passing

Wind chimes, silent in the still air.......a cloud, passing over your life. Dead leaves. The ground, cold, un-feeling.
A heart, behind a wall. Why you?
The one person in my life to make me feel, no other feelings. To want to absorb your pain. Why were you the only one to make me feel?
The music.
Tears drying, life changing, moving, so fast.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Circles ...my world just keeps shrinking.

They say we are all separated by six degree's. I don't believe it any more. I think it is more like 1 1/2 degrees. 


So...... my world shrinks again.  A good friend of mine and I went out last night. Bobby G. Riddle. 

After he picked me up, we got to talking and I told him I had txt'ed  Jake Zakara's  to come out and meet us at the Casino to see Magic Bus.  As it turns out, Jake had a gig he was doing at a new venue in Sultan Wa. Joe Slick's place. 

Here we go; when I was married, I helped raise my step daughter from the time she was 9 until she married. Well, guess who she married? Joe Slick's son. Funny, I didn't meet Jake Z, until after I was divorced. 

So Bobby and I get to talking about this, and who we know and from when, and I'm thinking, "oh, the story's I could tell. This person, who knew that person, and so on and so forth. Bobby was in a band by the name of Guardian back in the day, with Tom Zakara's. Funny thing here.... When I met Rick, he was in a band with Tom's son Jake.  
Back left: Jake Zakara's and Bobby G Riddle. Front left: Jeremy Wagmon, and Rick Nichoalds. 

The band we went to see last night, Magic bus, has a few member's that have hit it big. Funny thing is, I met one of them on the day of my 17 year anniversary, or what would have been, and had no idea who he was. A friend of a friend introduced me, and I got a picture of us together,  but point being, I ended up in his circle too. 

At this point in my life I am under the distinct impression at this point in my life, that we really have no control over how we live or who we know. It's all part of this divine plan, and no matter what roads we took to get to where we are now, it would not have mattered, we would have still ended up knowing the same people. 


Pick it up... another post on manners.

I'm beginning to wonder how many of these post I am going to have to do..... I know I can't save the world from themselves, but someone? Anyone? 

Alright, so the last blog I did on manner's, was a few years ago. If anyone remember's it was about the mother of one of my son's friends. 

This one is a bit different, but same concept. Where in the HELL has everyone's manner's gone? This is common sense people. I mean really. We are talking about people in my age group, and I am not so old.. (40's)  *grin*  but I know damn well you were taught to respect other's and show some manner's.  

Let me ask you this; when you are in public, let's say at a restaurant, were you not taught to push your chair in at the end of the meal? How about when you drop food on the floor? Do you pick it up? 

I'm sorry people, but on this one, it is a huge pet peeve of mine. What kind of example are you setting for your children? Good lord, I would smack the stupid right out of mine if they did not pick up after themselves and push the chair in. They do it at home, they can show respect in a public place. 

It's not like the employee's have nothing better to do than to pick up after you. There is a thing called, prep, cleaning, required shift work, on top of waiting on you. Then back to prep, cleaning and required shift work all over again. 

If you are in a fast food place, you have requirements to meet on reaching a goal on how much is served per shift. There is such a thing as labor costs, and if the employee's getting behind because of your bad manners, and courtesy, and the boss is going over on labor cost, and so then hours get cut,  then maybe you should think about actually just helping out by doing some small things. 

And for crying out loud, if you really have a problem with how an employee is responding  or "not responding" immediately to your needs, because that employee is the only one there at the moment, then take it to the manager. For godsakes, they don't make the rules, they only follow them. 

Get a grip people, start treating other's with some respect. You might be surprised at the response you get if you do. 

My mother would be turning in her grave if she could see how some of you act! Probably your's also. It's not all sunshine and roses people. 
Pick it up.... no, you pick it up. 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Lofty people

I have trouble with people who think they are better than me. I was taught not to judge, so using the term trouble is as close as I can get without being a hypocrite. 

I have to put myself in their shoes, and ask myself why are they that way. Social or economical upbringing, geographical? Family name? Ignorance. Fear of knowing someone for who they truly are. Not where they came from or how much money they have. 

I was adopted, came from a good home, and raised "right". So what does that mean? It means I accept people for who they are. I've gone from that "good" home, to being single, raising a daughter, losing her, to marriage, to divorce, to marriage, to divorce again. 

Raising 3 boys, a step-daughter and a granddaughter. From "trailer trash" to owning a home, to apartments, back to a trailer. I've had 4 men in my life, 3 of whom I have children with. 

I've gone from low paying jobs, to high paying jobs. I've done 4 years of college, and no degree. I've gone from having all the money I needed at my disposal, and then some, to having none. 

Does all this define the type of person I am? Make me bad? Make me stupid, or ignorant? No. No No. To all of it. 

The point is, you too, no matter where you come from, what journey you have taken, does not make you any better or any worse than I. 

What have I learned from my life? Live it, no matter what, because it is mine, your's whomever's to live. No one else's. Don't judge. Just love, because you never know who you are dealing with, until you take the time to learn. 

Peace~ 


Thursday, September 12, 2013

whispering to her

what he's saying to her....


he's telling her with, touch... Subtle...telling her how he is going to put his hot slick cock in her .... Slowly... Teasing her... Bringing her to the brink... Pulling back

He's going to make her wait...He's going to drive her mad, make every nerve in her attune to him
It will be hours before he takes her.... Then he will take her hard deep and quick... 

Because what he's whispered to her has brought her fulfillment over and over...

it will be her un-doing.......

when she turns and commands him.... finally after sated release.......she will do the same....

touching him with her love, using her eyes for the beginning of seduction....

physically tracing, every inch of his body.... bringing him to the brink, time and time again

until finally... he is completed, the final buildup as she mounts and takes him deep, his sense's, overwhelmed with the sensations that race through his body to the end, cascading like water over the falls..... he is complete.