Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Who am I

I've had a lull in my writing the last week or so... just not been feeling it. I got nothing like one of my status's say on face book. 

But I do... sometimes with me, it takes a good song, and a memory triggered and I'm off. 

Well, two of those things happened this week. One, The sound of Music live, with Carrie Underwood, and then one of my current favorite Cd's by a local band, Aury Moore Band. 

My mother was an opera singer, I believe I have mentioned this, and went to the conservatory of music in Boston. She sang her whole life. I have been around music my whole life. 

I don't believe any longer that it is the things I have done in my life, or the choices I made that brought me to my current spot, I believe it was and still is the people. 

More than a few on Aury's current Cd, resonate with me. Broken Promises, and prayer to name two. 

We'll start with broken promises; mine have been to myself. What I dream of, where I want to be in 5 years, what I want for my loved ones,  those were broken. Not being there for certain events, rites of passage in my child's and grandchild's life because of my choice. Not intentionally, but by circumstance. 

For 17 years I was away from the music scene here in Seattle. I have come back on in the last three years in a different way than how I was involved so long ago. But; music is me, part of me, my motivation, my inspiration, my one true love. I feel myself being drawn back in so many different ways, and that is where "Prayer" comes in. 

When do you really know, that you have arrived at your destination. I played classical piano for 14 years. I sang, danced, tap, ballet, and interpretive, and modern. Salsa, swing, and almost anything in between. 

I was in a conversation with my boss yesterday. She figured out she is the creator. The marketer. I know I am capable of creating, but what.... what is my role here. I've done a lot of soul searching in the last 3 years and still don't have an answer to who I am. what I do, yes... lots of things, what I love, what I have passion about... thousands. But who am I? 

It's funny, I have watched my 18 year old become a young man, on his own, with his own struggle, and trials. Facing a future that was planned, and now questioning it. What right do I have to offer advice to him, when I can't figure out myself. I wonder if he is destined to wander the way I have, questioning life, the whys, the where's the who's. 

I have a 14 year old, with his own struggles, going through school by rote, his father says, to get through.... I ask, to get through to what? 

How do I expect my children to know, when I don't...and then I wonder... did my mother know, do other's know... or are we all on this same path of questioning, touching happiness, sadness, loss, grief and pain, in so many different situations, yet still not knowing. 

peace~ 
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