Thursday, February 12, 2015

You're strong

Am I? 

Sometimes I wonder.

I knew who I was before Bobby. I knew who I was while I was with Bobby.  Now I don't. 

They say grief changes you, and I guess they are right.  I was always the strong one. Anything that came my way I was capable of dealing with. I was married for 17 years...I had 3 boys, and custody of my granddaughter during that time. I thought when my ex left me, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. 

It took me a month to figure out that I would be fine and what had happened, was meant to happen. Yes, it through me for a loop, yes, it screwed my kids up for a bit. Probably still has some lasting effects on them, but the bottom line is, I made it through it. 


In the last 5 years, I have had crisis after crisis happen in my life. going from what I thought was a solid marriage to divorce, to loosing my home, my livelyhood, and then utimaetly, my children. (well, one grew up, one went back to her mom) but 2 of them, went to dad, after a 4 year battle. 

My illness... there is another "crisis" I deal with. (not really a crisis, I have dealt with it since 2001) Not by any means has it been easy, but I dealt with it. 

Now, I find myself incapable of dealing with anything. Much less my current situation, my illness, or my livelyhood. I don't know who I am. I am not strong. Not anymore at least. 

I sit here... listen to music, cry, watch a movie, cry, make everything silent, yet still cry. This is not the me I knew. I don't have a picture in my head of what my life is suppose to look like now. I still know what I want.... as far as my writing, publishing a book, and my business, that is closed at the moment, but I do NOT know how to make these things happen now. 

I'm immobolized. I have these fleeting ideas of doing things... playing piano again, writing some songs.... finishing my schooling with the I.S.A, going to Eruope and getting my appraisers license. Finishing this damn book.... but I don't even know what THAT looks like now. 

I know grief is everlasting. I know everyone processes differently. I know THIS loss has had the power to bring me to my knees. Literally. But I also know life goes on. I know that Bobby would want that for me. 

I feel the need to hurry up and get past the grief that is immobolizing me, to get these things done, the things I talked about wanting. I just don't know that I can... and I don't know why I feel that urgency to do so. 

That is what scares me... that is why I do not feel strong any longer...I'm just not anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with anything anymore.... 


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