Saturday, March 14, 2015

I miss you every hour

I miss you every hour, and you know what the worst part is? It catches me by surprise. I find myself walking around to find you, to talk with you. 
Missing you, every hour 

Not for any reason, out of habit, because I've seen somthing I want to tell you about or read something I want to read to you. 

I want to hear you're voice, and then I realize, you aren't here anymore. And every time, every single time, it knocks the wind out of me. 

I walk the places we used to go, the beach, the lake. Gone to clubs, looking for you. It's just the worst. 

Not seeing you, not heaing you speak, not listening to you breathe. I want to talk about our future, the one we planned. 

I miss you, and I hate knowing that you are gone from me. You're scent is still on your pillow, in our room. 

On the clothes that were you're's,  that now are mine, that I wear when I sleep. I turn over in my sleep to hold you, and wake to find you gone. 

I remember you would tell me, you want me in bed with you, Me breathing on your neck, my hair in your mouth. I count that as something as a miracle you would say. 

I want that... I want you back, and I can't have you. You are gone from me and I miss you every hour. 

Friday, March 13, 2015

He opened my heart

He opened my heart and unraveled the last shred of decency I possesed. 
only Bobby will ever have my heart 

His eyes stripped me, his hands laid me bare. His touch was heaven, his words like wine. 

I lost myself in him, day after day, night after night. 

He knew all my secrets, all my life. He knew me as the sun knows the moon. 

I was helpless to his love, he gave like no other. 

He took nothing in return, except my soul. He owned me. 

He taught me about the world, how to love without reserve. 

He was everything to me. 

In return, I gave of myself, all that I was. 

All that I will ever be, he was the one. 

He opened my heart, he owned me. He will always own me. 

The only one who will ever touch me, 

The way he touched me. 

There will never be another, who can do this to me. 

I will never be open again, the way I was with him. 

My soul will not be bared, my secrets not shared. 

There will only be ever him. 

And the sun, and the moon. 

Was I beautiful, so he loved me, or was his love that made me beautiful? 

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Alone in society

Empty, alone and searching; no answers anywhere

pain fills the void you left for me, 

 I look for you everywhere

A mountain of things around me, there's no meaning

The air is suffocating, I'm trying to break free

The sun is shining brightly, I see nothing but the clouds

pain fills the void you left for me,

Misunderstood in society, I'm viewed as a passing ship

sinking on the horizon, did you intend to slip? 

I sit in our room, in the shadows, no light from anywhere

Your absense feels like knives to me, the pain unberable, 

yet I get up each day and face it, alone in society.

Through trials and tribulations, 

I've made each day seem new, but since I lost your love for me, 

I've been alone in society. 

Empty, alone and searching, no answers anywhere, 

Pain fills the void you left for me, 

I look for you everywhere. Misunderstood in society, 

I'm viewed as a passing ship. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Are you listening

I hope that you are  listening, 

 I can only speak so loud....

 tears streaming down, 

In the middle of a crowd. 

spinning around in circles; wondering where you are right now

Alone on the highway,  cars flying by

feeling invisible...wondering why

There seem to be no answers; I'm falling to the ground

It's cold and lonely here, is anyone around? 

I hope that you are  listening, 

 I can only speak so loud....

I'm standing here with tears streaming down, 

In the middle of a crowd. 

Spinning around in circles; wondering where you are right now

People all around me, their shapes and colors blurred, 

I look for you when spinning, but can't find you in this crowd

Please help me make it through this, 

I can't do it on my own

I hope that you are  listening, 

 I can only speak so loud...

 tears streaming down, 

In the middle of a crowd. 

Spinning around in circles; wondering where you are right now

If you can hear the music, and see me where I am, 

feel my heartbeat when your near me, see my dreams 

when I'm asleep. Do you feel me when your passing,

are you the breeze that follows me. 

In the middle of a crowd, I stand so all alone..

My tears are falling faster;  I cannot see the ground

I feel like I am drowning

I hope that you're still listening, 

I can't do this all alone. 

Monday, March 2, 2015

Further away

I look for you; every day and night 
I don't think I agree with all the euphemisms about death. As I am laying here, pondering 
what my life is now going to look like without Bobby in it; It seems to me, at least it feels 
like, the further away I get from his passing date, the process of grieving becomes harder. 

I have purused sight's that offer inspirational quotes, and sayings, beautiful pictures and thoughts of where our loved one may be. I have listened to other friends storys on how they managed to go on with thier life after the loss. 

Friends say that the pain will ease with time, that down the road, or for however long it takes a person to grieve, you will look back and realize that you have healed. 

I have to wonder, how? What does that look like, what does that feel like? It's March; sunshine and spring like weather. I am finding that I become more and more panic stricken, the further away I get. 

From the last time we spoke, the last time we kissed, and held hands. My head on his chest, his arm around me. Him calling me sweetheart. Telling me how much he loved me. The trip to the hospital. 

The last 9 days. Trying to process what is happening. Making decisions based on test results. Those last 9 days were so very precious to me, even more so than the 9 months we were together.

It's all I have. re-living those moments. Remembering his beautiful smile, holding him while he slept; with medicines to ease his pain. Those moments too, were such a blessing to me. I wonder; how anyone can possibly go on, so far past the last time . 

The further away I get, from his last words to me, the harder this becomes.