Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Life is devine Chaos.......forgive yourself

A little over 15 years ago, I trusted a man and vows that were said. A little over a year ago, those vows were broken. I was broken. It has taken me almost a year to put myself back together, along with my children and their needs. I have not had help doing this, and        people call me strong. 

 I'm not. Everyday, I have my moments of wondering if I am doing the right thing, hanging onto the family home, running my business, which at this point is failing miserably. There is not a day that goes by that I do not look at my children and feel the pain of the betrayal of their father.  I have forgiven him for what he did, and I have moved on, but my children have not. I am not OK, because I do not know how to fix the hurt that was done to them. I can only love them and be there in the way that my parents taught me.

Yesterday I had such a moment of weakness out shopping that I broke down in the store. This lead to a discussion with my mother in law about my home, and children. I don't know from one day to the next if I am going to have to up-root them and move them on. I know she said to trust her, but I am sorry, I just don't. 

I do know that I was raised for more than 25 years in the same home, same school district and same friends. I want this for my children, and anyone that thinks that children are that resilient and that capable of just letting go and moving forward is wrong. I know, because I see it. These children love this house, they love their friends, and teacher's and activities. 

I see the anger and rebellion from my granddaughter that I have custody of. Her trying to fit and find out who she is. Her mother did the right thing at the time by giving me the guardianship of her and letting me raise her, but there are some things that are beyond my power to do. She needs help and love and stability, and every day that goes by, I worry about whether I can provide this for her. 


My boys seem to do OK, although I know by their grades that the middle one is suffering, and quiet, and hard to reach. My youngest, is just that. He is still the baby, but there will come a time when he will need that father figure, whether it be his real one, or someone I am with to help him to his manhood. My oldest...... well, I am the proudest of him. He has taken on so much, and knows the pain of what I go through. He see's me when I have cried, and am distant. He see's me wanting to throw it all in, and walk away, but he knows I won't. I won't do to my children what my husband did.

We are both in relationships. Mine makes me happy. I didn't think I could be happier. I thought I was fine, but what I have now, means more to me than the vows that were taken that long ago day. The reason is this, I trust this man. I don't know if my ex is happy. I don't know if who I am with will be the person I am always with. I want to be. He is a very special and amazing man,  That much I know, but nothing is guaranteed. 

I hope my ex is happy, but I also know that the guilt he carry's over what he has done to our children will stay with him for his life, and regrets can ruin a person.  I don't want to see this happen. I want him to realize what the children need. Not to come back. I don't want that. I want him to be a dad and to communicate about what is right for them. 

This is not about us, it is about them. I wish he would see that. 


Yesterday I put up a post on facebook, that was pretty much self pity. I feel bad for that, I am not normally a person who falls into that pit.  I will be alone on Christmas.... this is the 1st time in my life I will be alone. I have always had family to be with. My parents are aging, and I will not be able to make it to see them, but I will call. I will call the people I love and let them know that I love them. That is what is important. No matter the kind of love, passion, desire, admiration, and all the different kinds of love there are, I will let them know. 

I just wanted people to know where my mind is right now. Maybe not a good place, but I will make it out of this. Somehow, someway. I will make it happen. 

Remember this, beautiful pictures are being developed from negatives in a dark room, So if you see darkness in your life, you can be sure that a beautiful picture is being developed by god. 

Someday, that picture, the one with the hands of commitment will happen again for me, I know, because I know how to love, not only myself, but the people in my life. 

Wishing all my loved ones a Merry Christmas and Happy New year, where ever you may be.  

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