Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My life

So, I sit here at 1am in the morning, wondering where my life is going. Last year, I had plans. Simple plans. Go to school, get my appraisers license and continue my home business. 

I turned 47 today, and I have always taken care of myself. Always, and others. I look at what is happening around me, and my heart hurts for what my children may be facing in the next month or so. 

I have slowly closed my business, due to personal and health issues, and can no longer work in the public. Now I am facing loosing my home, my children's home. I have no idea where to turn or what to do. It really makes me wonder what I have done in my life to warrant this possible ending. I know when one door closes, another door opens, but at the moment it is to dark to see the other door. 

My faith is strong, and I have good people in my life. I have a man whom I love and support with all my heart, and he does the same for me. However sometimes, things are beyond our control, and we have to sit back and see where the cards fall. 

My older son is in ROTC, he is a good kid and has goals, my younger kids, are all in bible study, choir and school activities, but the events in their life in the last year has caused them to distrust what may happen in their future. I have tried to teach them that nothing is guaranteed and that anything can happen, but also, no matter what, I love them. 

I have done what I could to hang on to this family and keep us together. I just don't know if I have the strength anymore to continue. I am tired. Tired of all the drama and fighting. Tired of trying to hang on to something that I thought was worth it for them, but other's in my life do not feel the same. I feel like the ones who should care what happens to these kids, have turned their back on us. Most of the time, I roll with this, I don't let it get to me, but today, not only my birthday, but also the anniversary of someone who made a promise to me and our children, broke that promise for his own selfish reasons. I have forgiven him, which enabled me to move on, but I don't believe the children have.

My husband wanted out of our marriage. Out of the blue, now he wants to walk Scott free and not pay a dime for any thing. He has not thought about the trauma his leaving and involving another woman in my children's lives, prior to divorcing me, has done to them. He is not thinking about what he is choosing to do now, He refuses to see what it will do to them. They have accepted her to a point, but I can still see the anger and deal with it daily. They love Rick and respect him for supporting me and being a part of my happiness, but as all children do, they do not understand, and I don't know how to tell them that dad is no longer going to pay for their home. 

I try to stay positive, and keep them moving along on a daily basis and to concentrate on school and being kids. It is not always easy and I am not perfect. 

I have a decision to make, and it is not going to be easy for anyone involved. Mostly it will not be easy for my children. I have prayed and thought on this in the last month, knowing this was coming and I do not have an answer as to how to deal with it, but I trust god will get me through this one way or the other. No matter what I do. 

Blessings and love to all.
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