Wednesday, February 25, 2015

In the sunshine

I will forever love you Bobby G. Riddle. 
I fell in love with you in the sunshine; dancing on the commons to the music. 

We were an unlikley pair, you older; more refined. Me, with a streak of wildness still. 

A glint of mishief in you're eyes that mirrored my own. A sense of adventure, a craving for life. 

We laughed under the stars. You said the 1st kiss was when you knew. That it told you all you needed to know. 

We spent the summer going to festivals;  dreaming of having a life together. We made plans into the morning hour's, until we fell asleep in each others arms. 

Each day for us was a new exsperience in learning each other. Our connection was old, and deep. A connection that was time honored. 

Our love was mature; a love that was not based on intamacy, but more intimate than we both had ever had. 

I dread the sunshine this year; yet yearn for it at the same time. Like a young girl, looking for who she loved, and still loves.  I want to find you again, in the rays that warm me. In the music we both loved. 

I want to sit on our deck and think of you with me. Still loving me; in the sunshine. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Almost spring.....

It's almost spring, or so it seems.... with the blue skies and sunlight shinning in our windows. 
I love you Bobby G. Riddle 

I fell in love with you in the springtime, and our summer was the most wonderful summer I have ever had. It has always been my favorite time of year, and being with you made it all the more beautiful. 

Everything sparkled and shined. My days were brighter with you in them.  Quiet days on the Lake, watching the world go by with the music playing softly in the background. Our summer nights, dancing with the fairy lights on, on the back deck. 

How I loved you Bobby, and oh, how I miss you. The sun is shinning on the deck where you held me in your arms and we last danced as the sun was setting.  I will miss our walks in the little towns we loved, strolling down the sidewalk, holding hands,  window shopping. 

I wore dresses all the time for you. You loved them, and so did I. They were long and flowing, with beautiful flowers on them. So spring like. I wore them through the summer for you. any chance I had, I would. 

We would go to the beach and watch the boats on  the water. Our favorite place was sunset park on Lake Stevens. The town where I grew up at. We would stop and get fried chicken and jo jo's,  your favorite, and you would bring you're fishing gear. 

I know that this summer is going to be hard for me, but I will wear the dress you bought me, and go to all our favorite places. I will put the music on at night, and sit on the back deck while the sunsets and think of you. 

I will try to find peace in my heart, knowing you will be with me in spirit as I do the things we both loved. You took my heart with you when you left, and I am no longer the same girl you fell in love with. 

Your love changed me for the better, and your leaving has changed me again. I will honor you Bobby, for the man you were. Loving life, and people and music. I will do the same in your name this spring and summer,  for I know this is what you would want me to do. 

Your strength and beauty as a man, touched me deeply. I have never loved the way I loved you. I will forever miss you. 

R.I.P Bobby G. Riddle 5-11-56 ~1-20-2015 

Monday, February 16, 2015

His hands

He had amazing hands; when he would hold mine, they fit. Perfect, like a glove. I was facinated by them. 

Even though he was taller than me, his hands were slender and petite. He played bass. I'm told he was a world class bassist. He was capable of making beautiful music. 

The 1st time he touched me, I thought I was in heaven. He knew me like he knew his instrument. It was like he had always known me. He said he could not get enough of me. 

His hands knew where to touch, how to touch. The maturity in his love making was sheer torture,  and passion combined. I could not get enough of him. He would play me for hours. Loving me, pleasing me. He would not let me pleasure him. Not until he thought I had been pleasured. Not until I was satiated and pliant. 

It was all about me he would say. If he died right then, he would be a happy man he would say. That 1st time.... that very 1st time, he made love to my heart. Thereafter, I would watch his face. He gave me a glimpse of love I had never seen. A glimpse of what loving someone was really like. His face said it all. 

I knew his words were not the lines of a man wanting sex. What we had was not sex. It was pure lovemaking. This man, who had been my friend for 5 years, and was now my lover; was beautiful. 

His hands tuned me, like he tuned his bass. I was irrevocabley his. He was mine. Our spirits connected on a level I had never known before him. Nor will I ever know again. 

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Those last moments

Oh, what I would give to have those last moments alone with him again. 

Bobby G. Riddle
I love you 
Quietly, in his hospital bed, beside him, as the nurses come and go like shadows in the night; To repeat this, over and over again. 

So precious to me... his final hours; to see him pucker to kiss me, to watch him sleep so peacefully... 

It was 9 day's, like the 9 months we had together. Such a short time, yet seemed so long. It was like I knew him my whole life, and had been waiting for him. 

I would have those 9 months back if I could, I would have those last 9 days.... to have them play endlessly like the music we loved so much.... 

Friends, coming and going, all quiet, respectful of him. To exsperience this again, to see him smile when they came. 

To hear him tell me he loved me, one last time... 

These moments, play over and over in my heart and mind when I go to sleep at night; but how I wish I could have them again. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

You're strong

Am I? 

Sometimes I wonder.

I knew who I was before Bobby. I knew who I was while I was with Bobby.  Now I don't. 

They say grief changes you, and I guess they are right.  I was always the strong one. Anything that came my way I was capable of dealing with. I was married for 17 years...I had 3 boys, and custody of my granddaughter during that time. I thought when my ex left me, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. 

It took me a month to figure out that I would be fine and what had happened, was meant to happen. Yes, it through me for a loop, yes, it screwed my kids up for a bit. Probably still has some lasting effects on them, but the bottom line is, I made it through it. 

In the last 5 years, I have had crisis after crisis happen in my life. going from what I thought was a solid marriage to divorce, to loosing my home, my livelyhood, and then utimaetly, my children. (well, one grew up, one went back to her mom) but 2 of them, went to dad, after a 4 year battle. 

My illness... there is another "crisis" I deal with. (not really a crisis, I have dealt with it since 2001) Not by any means has it been easy, but I dealt with it. 

Now, I find myself incapable of dealing with anything. Much less my current situation, my illness, or my livelyhood. I don't know who I am. I am not strong. Not anymore at least. 

I sit here... listen to music, cry, watch a movie, cry, make everything silent, yet still cry. This is not the me I knew. I don't have a picture in my head of what my life is suppose to look like now. I still know what I want.... as far as my writing, publishing a book, and my business, that is closed at the moment, but I do NOT know how to make these things happen now. 

I'm immobolized. I have these fleeting ideas of doing things... playing piano again, writing some songs.... finishing my schooling with the I.S.A, going to Eruope and getting my appraisers license. Finishing this damn book.... but I don't even know what THAT looks like now. 

I know grief is everlasting. I know everyone processes differently. I know THIS loss has had the power to bring me to my knees. Literally. But I also know life goes on. I know that Bobby would want that for me. 

I feel the need to hurry up and get past the grief that is immobolizing me, to get these things done, the things I talked about wanting. I just don't know that I can... and I don't know why I feel that urgency to do so. 

That is what scares me... that is why I do not feel strong any longer...I'm just not anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with anything anymore.... 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Last night....

Bobby G. Riddle
my love
Jan. 20 2015
He came to me in my dreams....

It was beautiful; I could feel his warmth, here his voice, whispering softly to me... 

It would be OK he said... You will be OK. 

I turned to him, he softly touched my cheek... like an angels wing.. barely there...

but felt. 

I could hear the music in his heart; the love flowing from him.....

He was my lyric, I was his melody...... 

He quietly gazed upon me as I slept; watching over me... 

Etheral.... beautiful, Gaurding me....

My beautiful man came to me; in my dreams....

last night. 

Sunday, February 8, 2015

I don't want to be here...........

Another point in my life I don't want to be at........ tired of changes, transitions, pain, loss.... tired of it all. 

Constant circles, ever changing, ever moving.... to much pain in the last 3 years...numb....brokenhearted

Disappointment, anger......... someone make me believe..I don't anymore... 

I am going through my blog, and come across this... this was writenn prior to Bobby and I becoming an item, it was still in draft form... but oh wow.... did I see what was coming?

How apropos that I stumble across this at this point in my life. It speaks volumes to how I have been feeling lately. 

I try hard not to question what happens in life, I know it is all for a reason, so normally I roll with it. 

This time is not so easy... in fact that is an understatment. What the hell is god trying to teach me here? 

I can't do this anymore... I am so numb to everything. I can't put on music, I cry... I can't think straight... 

why am I going through my writing?  I just need all this to stop, I really can't take anymore. Just stop.... 

A brief moment in time

I knew you for 5 years. I became more than just you're friend for the last 9 months of your life. 

In looking back over our time together we were happiest when we were out and about, listening to music, going to open jams, seeing friends, and being on the move. We shared a common love of music and people. 

In getting to know you, I found we had many things in common. Our love of country music, and classic movies. Westerns, and old musicals. On the nights we would stay in, whether it was at the lake house or the town house, we would put on music and dance. 
We also had the same moral compass, and values, when it came to marriage, relationship's  and children. I think that is what I loved most about you. 

You wanted me to teach you how to dance. The old way of dancing, 3 step, or swing, and then more competitive dance, salsa and Paso Doble. I did get to teach you some more complicated moves, and you had those down pat, I regret we did not get to use them when we were out and about. 

We both loved the serenity of the water, and when we looked at potential places to live together we always searched in area's that had water close by.We both loved going to the dock in Lake Stevens to fish. Those moments with you, I will treasure always. They were the calmest times. 

It's funny how my life circle always comes back to where I grew up at. We talked about this, where we both had been in life. The clubs and studios we both were apart of, and yet we never crossed paths.  You would laugh and tell me not to read anything into it. It was what it was. However, that was not my belief, nor was it your's. 

I always teased you for the butterfly tattoo. Why would a man would get one of that particular mythical creature when it was more to a womans liking? I never asked you, and when I would tease, you were always cryptic in your answer to me. This was so like you, so I would let it go, to honor who you were. 

In looking back over the last 9 months, the signs were there for me, but I did not see them for what they were. This is the painful part. I loved you, and would have done anything for you, You knew that and I think that is why you pursued me in the 1st place, and then later were surprised by who I actually was. This is when we truely fell in love. 

I wish you would have trusted me, just a little bit more. I wish you would have said. But you did not. This also was so totally you, and again I had to honor you. I think you knew you could have told me, but you were also honoring me in a way, or you thought you were. That was the one thing you truly did not know about me, that I would have done anything within my power to make your last moments the happiest they could have been. 

Our last 2 outings were in November of 2014. Prior to these, we had pretty much stopped going out. We watched a lot of movies, played a lot of music, and danced on our porch. I could see the pain you were in at the fleetwood mac concert. I could see it more at Jano's harvest party. I thought it was you're shoulder, and you let me believe that. I even knew it was a struggle for you to get out to those last 2 events, yet you did it for me.

Beautiful man, do you know how much you were loved? How much you will be missed? I see butterflys everywhere now and it is not even spring. I see them in photo's, in pictures in store windows that I wander by. I believe that it is you, still watching over me.

You had the most beautiful music playing on your passage to heaven. As it should be. You were my angel in life, and you are my angel in death.  I only had you for a brief moment in time, such a short time, yet our love was rare and beautiful, like the mythical creature, your butterfly. 

To the man with the sweetest heart and soul ever known. May you rest in the arms of the angels, soar with the butterflys that you represented so well. 

They say that time in heaven is compared to a "blink of an eye" for us here on earth. It helps me to think of you running ahead through a field of wildflowers and butterflys; so happy, and so caught up in what you are doing that by the time you look behind you, I will already be there.  I love you with all my heart and soul Bobby G. and will forever look for you in the butterflys. 

Bobby G. Riddle. 

May 11th 1956 - January 20th 2015