Monday, March 2, 2015

Further away

I look for you; every day and night 
I don't think I agree with all the euphemisms about death. As I am laying here, pondering 
what my life is now going to look like without Bobby in it; It seems to me, at least it feels 
like, the further away I get from his passing date, the process of grieving becomes harder. 

I have purused sight's that offer inspirational quotes, and sayings, beautiful pictures and thoughts of where our loved one may be. I have listened to other friends storys on how they managed to go on with thier life after the loss. 

Friends say that the pain will ease with time, that down the road, or for however long it takes a person to grieve, you will look back and realize that you have healed. 

I have to wonder, how? What does that look like, what does that feel like? It's March; sunshine and spring like weather. I am finding that I become more and more panic stricken, the further away I get. 

From the last time we spoke, the last time we kissed, and held hands. My head on his chest, his arm around me. Him calling me sweetheart. Telling me how much he loved me. The trip to the hospital. 

The last 9 days. Trying to process what is happening. Making decisions based on test results. Those last 9 days were so very precious to me, even more so than the 9 months we were together.

It's all I have. re-living those moments. Remembering his beautiful smile, holding him while he slept; with medicines to ease his pain. Those moments too, were such a blessing to me. I wonder; how anyone can possibly go on, so far past the last time . 

The further away I get, from his last words to me, the harder this becomes. 
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