Friday, February 26, 2016

My father 6/6/1928 - 8/15/2015

I've always been closer to my father than my mother.  I loved them both, but dad was my idol. I looked up to him like most little girls do and I tried to emulate him, as best I could. He served in the military, in the Korean war, and came home to marry my mother. 

He worked at Associated sand and gravel for 38 years, he missed 2 days in that time. His work ethic was strong. In his era, loyalty was huge. The life time of a job was not 7 years like it is now. Friendships lasted 30 years or more. Family ties did also. Not so much now. 

He raised us, (my brothers and I) to work for what we had in life. He taught us what family meant. commitment, good bad or indifferent, dad never strayed from the path he had chosen. 

When I was 17, I had a falling out with him. I had some personal things happening, that I was unwilling to tell him. So when I left the house that day, his words to me, were, if you walk out that door, don't come back. 

I have to say, that I took him at his word. The one thing he taught me that always stuck with me, was if you don't have you're word, you don't have anything. 

So, for 3 years, I stayed gone. I went to college, with a major in Art, and a minor in psychology, (like most people in my age group) That said, I did not stick to it, and transferred back to ECC. Then changed my major again, to political science.  I became pregnant with his 1st grand baby, and done done with the father to that baby at the same time My dad was done with him that too. 

As the years went on, I was married twice. My 1st marriage, I had a son. This lasted 3 years to the day, of the birth of him. Within less than 6 months, I married again. This time, having 2 more son's, and gaining custody of my 1st grandchild. This marriage lasted 16 years... 17 with him altogether. The day my husband told me he was leaving, I called my dad in tears. I was devastated. My question, on the anniversary of his and mom's marriage, of 56 years, was, how did they do it? My father tired to assure me that this was only temporary in my life. 

I later learned that was not to be, but by then, I was fine with that. I was angry, but not at my ex, more so at the woman who he left me for, she was a mother, and she had allowed my children to witness the sordid affair. God, was I angry! 

I took me 6 years and a few failed relationships to let the anger go. I'm in a much happier place in my life now, and I can only hope that the values and morals that I have taught my own son's, were the same as the ones my father taught me. I made a promise to myself, and my children, to stay single for 2 years, until they left my home. After that, who knows. 

One of the other things my dad taught me in life, was, you can't cry over spilled milk. Dad was a smart man. Needless to say, that I have tried to  live my life like he did. No regrets. Lessons learned, ect.  Dad lived his life to the fullest, I loved him without reserve. He taught us not to judge others.  He also taught us, that what we couldn't change, to let go. 

So this is my song to myself and my father, may he RIP. When my mother passed away. I was quick to write about her. Not so, with dad. This took longer, and has had more meaning to me than mom's passing did. I loved her, but I loved him more. I've always been a truth seeker. This is what dad was too. He lived the life he choose, without judgment, or reserve, and I have always striven to live the same way. It may not always have been the best of ways, but it worked for me. Right, wrong or indifferent. 

Let it go, by Zac Brown

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Remember me

In the cold of winter, with the skeleton arms of the trees... 

Will you remember me? 

With the setting sun, in the shadows of the night, 

reaching out of the firelight.... 

Will you remember me? 

A month we had, what was it, carnal needs, lust, love? 

A connection missed, meeting to late.... 

Will you remember me? 

I think of you late at night..... 

Wondering, will you remember me?