I've have learned at my age, that I am not a casual person. It is all or nothing. I'm coming to realize that my standards are changing, and what I require for myself. When Paul walked out, my self image took a hit, and continued on a down hill spiral. I didn't require anything at that point. I was looking for fun, to escape the pain.
Well, that is what I got, and a lot more than I bargained for. Here we are now, 6 years later, from that moment when my entire life went upside down, to still attempting to recover.
I set goals in the beginning, then put others before those goals. I re set goals, and still I had things happen that I did not foresee, or plan on, I would continuously change those goals. I procrastinated, holding out hope that my life would go back to normal.
I realized that it would never go back to normal, unless I made some major changes, not just in my thinking and behaviors, but in my belief in myself.
In the last month, is when I actually started making some of those changes. Keeping people around me that encourage what I want. People who support me even if they do not agree with how things are for now.
Commitments that I made to myself and my boys, I am working on keeping. Commitments to myself. My writing, my jobs, my life style. I have been happier this time around in working towards these things, then I have been in the past 6 years. I think the difference has been, that I mean it.
I meant it in the past 6 years too, but did not follow through. Everything I was doing for the kids, was peripheral. What I was doing for me, was not what I should have been doing. I'm not going to beat myself up over this, because I did it, and now I am done with it.
I was there, but not there. My heart was broken. Not from subsequent men in my life, but from the one man I thought would always be there, and I used that brokenness as an excuse to do what ever the hell I wanted. Most of the time, not in my best interest, and certainly not in my children's.
So, here we go again. Another pivotal moment, or series of moments. These have taken place in the last month, between conversations with friends, and decisions that I have made and plan to stick too. It was like a weight on my shoulders, that all of a sudden is gone.
So I guess, you all want to know what that pivotal moment was? :) not saying, because I have said in the past, and then it does not come to fruition. I guess you'll just have to stay tuned this time.