Dress Rehearsal

If I've learned anything in life, its now. Do it now, don't wait for it.

My sister in law, who has passed on now, planned her life. You know, the 5 year plan, 10 year plan, college, marriage, house, children....ect...then she was diagnosed with colon cancer.

She once said to me, years ago, when our oldest boys were small...about a year old,  maybe a bit older. "I wish I was more like you". I was stunned....more like me how I asked? She wouldn't meet my eyes when she answered...but said, you know, "brave". (Another stunner) She was married to my older brother, the one that everyone in my life wanted me to be more like.

Grounded I guess, with goals and plans. I was not even close to that. I was newly divorced from my oldest son's dad, and pregnant with my second son. Married a 2nd time. No degree, and very little college. I was working for D.O.D, on contract, and going no where.

She, on the other hand was a college Economics professor, looking at tenure. They owned (or I should say, were buying ) their own house. We were currently renting, and contemplating a move back to his parents. Oh, I had goals, but I had this very bad habit of putting others before myself, so I kept setting those goals aside.

In 2001, I started making noises about going back to college for my law degree. I had done a lot of the prerequisites in my younger years, so I started looking into it. By November however, I once again set all that aside. Having a surprise pregnancy, getting guardianship of my then one year old granddaughter, and then being diagnosed with a very rare illness, I had to. (Or so I believed)

That illness consumed me, and my identity for a long time.....I'd say until about 2006 when I just said screw it, I'm done letting this dictate my needs.

Life is not a dress rehearsal, you only get one shot.

Carpe' Diem ~ Sieze the moment 

Internal war

So much to do, but I'm struggling between right and wrong. Time is passing so quickly, yet I feel immobilized by circumstance. Loosing myself in a transition of lifestyles. Wanting one thing, but heading fast towards another.

I feel I'm watching a train about to derail, not knowing how to stop it, or if I even can. So much hope, pinned to one thing....each person in my life making choices that impact everyone around them, yet not seeing the consequence of the action.

My children, my lover, myself....wading through the ripples of life, trying to do the best we can, living a truth all our own. Choices made years ago, still whisper across our path, disturbing the natural flow, sending out more echoes.

Be careful of what you do in life, for somewhere along the way, it comes back. Again and again, until we get it right. Love, loss, pain, heartache, happiness...we can't have any of these without the others. Friendships, romance...it comes and goes. Waxing and waning throughout you're life.

Those....traveling down through generations long after we are gone. Echoing....affecting, creating an endless circle.

The color of rage

I had this post all written out on my phone, and then lost it. I've been Waring with internal rage, and I do mean rage.  Not a simple feeling such as mad, or angry.... but rage. 

I was broadsided with more changes in my life, not only the demise of my computer, but many other contributing factors, that have just been building and building and now I have no where to put them. 

red, rage, let it go 

I use to purge when I was upset or hurt or angry. I had a fire pit in the back yard that my kids and I built and we would alternately blow things up. I mean that literally. After my husband left, I had this 3 year plan in place, but I had to get rid of the feelings I was dealing with, so that is what I did. I blew things up. 

Things that had accumulated over the course of 17 years. Things I no longer needed, things left behind, things that hurt. I would go to the gas station, buy 5 gallons of gas, and throw things onto the pit, dump the gas on it..... let it permeate for a few, and throw the match! 

The kids would join in on this too, and it seemed to help them cope with the constant changes that we were dealing with. Since then, however, after loosing the home, moving to an apartment, and now living with Rik, I have no place to burn. I wish I did. Writing has helped some, but its not nearly as good as a nice big Ka-boom. Call me a firebug, I don't care, but it works. 

You get these brilliant colors, depending on what you are burning, and using as fuel. Red's were the best. Why? Because red is the color of rage, and when you let that go, it's beautiful. 

peace~ 

New direction

Here we go again...........

Sounds like a song, hmm.. I think it is. (Whitesnake) Ha! Alright, in all seriousness. 

Starting a new project in my life. Writing. Actually going to publish. So, the antiques, the college, those goals? All on hold again. You see, I am not capable of doing more than one thing at a time. << let's revise that, I am, I just don't feel like it. Not with kids, a relationship that needs attention, a home that needs fixing and an income that needs to happen. I am running myself into the ground, and would like to keep one focus only. 

I hate being on more than one social site. So much to keep up with. I am not a good multitask-er  However when I set my mind to something, I do it, and 100% at that. So, with that, I am on google+, Facebook, LinkedIn, twitter, pinterest, and a multitude of other sites that I market and sell on. 

Now, here's the question. Once I get this current venture into place, can I successfully market it off my selling sites, and social sites? I've been doing a lot of research, all from my phone, so not to easy, but what I have come up with, although time consuming, I can do. On all the sites I am on. That is, with a little help from friends and followers of my blog. 

Please share and cross share, promote, ect... I will put links up in my next post for everyone who is a follower. 

This will help me in the long run to obtain my goal. 

Thanks

peace~ 

Whirlwind

It's been about a week since I sat down and really wrote. Looking at where I am at in my life at the moment, I wonder about motivation. Mine. I've been questioning what I want out of my life. Family, love, commitment? Companionship...having shared experience? 

I can honestly say, I don't know. I've reached a point in my life where I am questioning so much. My direction has changed once again. I'm falling way from the antiques and heading to more writing. 

I have been putting together a series of events in my life to share with other's in the hopes that they can gain something from my experience. We all view life differently and perceptions I have learned are each persons truth, even though we can both see the same thing and come up with a different interpretation.

A few weeks ago, my computer met an unfortunate sticky demise. That being said, my postings have been from my phone. Not so easy when I need word, and have to edit and format. 

Since then, my world has been a whirlwind of shows, and hanging out with friends, and really not doing a lot of anything. Time to get back to the writing. 

I am borrowing Rik's computer at the moment, but if any one has one, hit me up! 

peace~ 

He calms me

Everyone has that one person in their life that can say or do one thing, and it changes your whole mood.

If I'm feeling attacked, I go on the defense, right off the bat. I do not attack back, I try hard to put it in such a way that whoever I'm debating with will check themselves.

I don't take inventory, and when I'm accused of that, its difficult not to act upon my human nature and do exactly what I'm being accused of. In the past 3 years I've learned a lot in my relationships.

I try not to be judgemental, I'm not in anyone's shoes but mine. What's a bit more difficult, especially when you've been through what I have is to not let old triggers come into current discussions. Perceptions are each persons truth, I've been told that many times.

So what happens when two people have two different perceptions about the same thing? Debate ensues, and for me at least, because I have always fought to be heard....not necessarily correct, but heard, debate becomes argument.

The one person in my life that can change that is Rik. He says or does one thing, that changes how I'm viewing something.

Live your truth and let me live mine

I had a conversation twice this week about truth. Actually in the last 3 days. The 1st time, I was talking about it at a friends home. We had talked about my writing, and people who blog, and he had recently found out that something that someone who had done some writing for him, was in no way truthful about what they had written. 

The second time I had the conversation, was with a girlfriend. This was about someone in the industry who had made a comment about me, publicly, which was odd, because this person has never met me, and the comment was so far off base that it took up a bit of my morning being ticked off about it. I realize that I cannot control the actions or thoughts of other's, but this one had to do with my personal life and personal business.  

This morning as I wake, I am thinking about why people do this. I do not lie, I do not embellish to make the story better, and I certainly do not break the trust of other's by getting in their personal space and going through things that they have chosen to keep private. If you want to share with me, than great, but if not, that is your business also. 

At great risk of repeating myself, and I have written about this before, so I am repeating myself, and I truly hate that. *grin*  I am a book. Total transparency. There is absolutely no reason on god's green earth to lie about something, or to invade the privacy of other's. If you want to know something about me, then ask. I'm tired of the assumptions that are made by petty shallow people who do not know me. GET TO KNOW ME!  

I have been on the internet for 7 plus years, my life is on here, I write about it. Personal and public. If you want to know me, then you are more than welcome to read about me here, if you want to know me in public, then you are more then welcome to come out to the many show's I attend. I am honest, and loyal, I have wonderful friends, and a good man in my life. Beautiful children and I'm happy. I am not a jealous person, nor petty, I don't carry the events of my past with me, and project them onto my current situations. 

I am who I say I am. plain and simple and it bother's me to no end that I have to deal with people who are not, or have ulterior motives in their life, and cannot live with integrity. Grow up! We are not in high school! Get a life, OK? 

If it comes down to a simple lack knowledge of not knowing how to do something, such as adding a friend on a social site, or finding something in search, or what ever the problem may be, then teach yourself, or ask someone how. Please, do not make assumptions about people you do not know. You end up sounding paranoid and looking like a ditz/jerk...what ever the case may be. For me? I tend not to want to be friends with people like this. I don't need the drama, nor the headache. 

Done with this now. Jumping off my soapbox and getting back to my real life! 

Introspection

I wonder sometimes, why the people that have come into my life are here...

What is the lesson; what's the ultimate meaning....why, for me, or for them?

The pain I carry for having made the choices I have, the pain my children carry.

Its a night drive and as I pass places I have been to with others in my life, I think about the times I was there. The way I lived then, with dreams and goals. All changed. Through three men in my life; Dark now, lights off...doors closed.

Children grown, two having moved on with their life. Yet the men still flit through my life like there is suppose to be some meaning in it, a role they are still suppose to play.

I've moved on, to new things, new friends and a new man. What is it about me that makes the old ones want to come around? To cause harm, emotionally, and try to damage what I have now.

Forever Romantic

I am eternally, devastatingly romantic; I always thought people would see it....

Romantic does not mean sugary, clinging;  it's independent, freedom....self expression

It's dark and tormented, the furor of passion, the despair of an idealism that you cannot attain. 


Passion, romanticism; is the height and depth of a persons soul, the way they live their life.

All conquering in everything it does.  Emotion so strong that its like a wave that crashes the beach and wipes away the sand beneath your feet.... 

bringing you to your knee's in it's innocent beauty.

Touching you in it's intimate moment, and leaving sorrow when it passes.  

darkness decends

Today, under the ominous black clouds, for most of the day... I was fighting to stay in a light space....


I consciously knew there would be set backs, and I fought off any of my triggers that could make the day grow horribly darker.... 

Through peaks of sunshine, I would wander the landscape's of my mind, and wonder exactly what it was I was thinking... lost in thought, but never pinning down a precise emotion..... dreaming of another era.... when all was light and free....

As I struggled through the day, in and out of random thought's.... wondering when my night would come to a close and how; all I thought was to sleep.... 

head to dream land, where I can feel peace and light, and love.... guide my spirit, not my ego... 

closing out the night, with candles burning, waiting for my love to come home.... letting go of thoughts that do not make me strong..... 

"all my soul within me is burning" ~ Edgar Allen Poe ~ 

A new day dawns

It's amazing what the human spirit can go through and still wake to a new day..

What seems like yesterday, I was brought so low I didn't feel I would find my way from the darkness I was in... 

It took many different faces, and story's to listen to, and one amazing email from someone who reached out to me, that turned this around. The email and consequent soul searching after that is what changed my perspective on what can be achieved and how. 

Compromise is a part of life, accepting faults and success's together is part of your character. Living with love and integrity can change so much, for just one person, one situation, and in doing that, the ripple it causes in your life has a never ended reach. 

I know each day will bring a new challenge, kids, work, finances... but moving forward with a fresh perspective, will be easier than before. Knowledge is power, and having the knowledge I have now, it will help in the coming days to stay focused and moving forward. 

I don't know where my life will yet lead me, or why I am where I am at now, but I know that with each waking day, and the people who are in my life, who give me courage and strength, passion, love and support, and I give those in return, that nothing will stop me from what I deserve in life. 

Follow your dream's, listen to your heart... it always knows what is right in the end. 

Peace~ 

Living in fear

What do people fear?

The saying, living in fear could mean anything to any one, depending on subject and context.

My whole life, I never thought to be afraid. I mean, yea, some things are scary, but to be truly afraid. What does that mean.....

We are attracted to the polar opposite of our own self. When we look in the mirror, and ask the question, what scares us....what answer do you come up with?

The people in our lives; friends, family, lovers....who are they? A mirror reflection of ourselves. When we find what we do not like or accept in another person, it is what we do not like or accept about our self.

What inspires anger, or hate filled thoughts to another human being? When those thoughts are provoked in us, our integrity and character come into question. To love fully, to live fully, to accept humanity in its true form, is to live not in fear, but with integrity and compassion, and empathy.

Wild hearts and roller coasters

Living with a creative mind......

Each day brings something new and challenging. Something exciting, and sometimes explosive.

The artist is a unique and unusual person. We are always living on the edge of reality. The depths and heights of a persons thought process is always changing. Time has no meaning in the mind of an artist. We travel to places that no one else can dream of......

Imagine living in a world where what you've created is so beautiful, so unimaginable to society's every day dregs, that the nuance of the soul is so  deep as to be admired and enjoyed by only those who think the same.....

Outcast and shunned by the normal limitations of the world they live in, modern day gypsy, that only touch the hearts and souls of people like themselves....

Composer's, writer's painters....We dance, dream and live in a wonderland of magical creatures, and beautiful music.  

more of me

Thinking of my childhood years..... growing up in a small town with a huge family. I don't say huge lightly either. 

My father's family, 13 brothers and sister's all grew up in Snohomish Wa.  When dad turned 17, he joined the Army.  We were never told much about his year's in the service, other than he served in Korea. 

After returning from the war, he met and married my mother in 1954. 

I had two brother's growing up, Randy and Tim. We were all three adopted from different family's at different age's.  Tim, the oldest of us, was a newborn when mom and dad adopted him.  Randy, I remember, was closer to two... and we met his birth mother. I remember it was at Easter, and we were under the kitchen table playing. My dad made that table, it was beautiful. Claw feet, and seated 16 when the leaves were inserted. 

Dad made a lot of beautiful furniture. I have a cedar chest and a rocking chair he made in high school. I still sit in the rocker.... everyday. It's where I do a lot of my writing. I also have his hand made wooden chest set. 

I idolized my dad growing up. Born on June 6th 1928, a Gemini, dad was the epitome of the 1950's suburban father.  He worked for the same company for 38 years. His brother was his boss. (My Uncle Dale)  Dad had an old Chevy Station wagon, prior to us kids. He traded that in for a VW Van that he made hippie curtains for. We traveled to every state there was except Hawaii and Alaska. 

In the early summer of 75, mom, Randy, Tim and I flew by plane to Boston. Dad didn't have vacation time until later in the summer.  He decided to take that time and drive out to meet us.  This was an awesome summer for me. 

I was 10....but for some apparent reason, felt older. Ha! If I knew then what I know now, feeling older would be the last on my list of feelings. I do know it was an idyllic summer.  I was introduced to rock and roll by my cousin Sharon, and rode around in her convertible all over Woburn and Boston.  I remember Captain and Teneal.  "Afternoon Delight"  A song that still reminds me of that summer. 

We went everywhere. I got to see my 1st movie at a drive in. My cousin had to sneak me in. My dad didn't believe in going to the movies. "wait a few year's" he'd say. "It will be on television. 

Dad always had catch phrases for something. "I would't pay to cross the street for that _____ (insert name of rock and roll concert currently in town.) "If god wanted you to have holes in your ear's" "you would have been born with them." In response to my request for pierced ears. (I was 14 before he allowed that). My granddaughter thinks she had it tough with me. Ha!  "If god wanted you to fly he'd have given you wings" ..... he always had something. 

Anyway, back to the summer of 75. I felt totally free that summer. We went to Maine, Cape cod,  Vermont, New Jersey, and New York. We swam in rivers with our sandals on, learned to body surf on the Cape. We explored old houses and found antiques "older than my mother" in my mind.  This is when I really found I had a love for history and antiques. 

By the end of summer I did not want to go home. We traveled back with dad. Up through Canada, to see relatives of his that still had family behind the "Iron Curtain". My Uncle Joe. 

Back down to the Niagara falls, and then dropping into California at some point and traveling up 101 into Oregon. From there stopping at random roadside attractions, and finally arriving home after 3 weeks and over 3000 miles. 

Out for the night~ Peace