Pop Quiz for teens: How do your clothes get clean?

A friend of mine recently mentioned that her son said she was boring. So, that got me to thinking to things teenagers may not be picking up on with regards to parents. 

Not so short a lesson on why your parents may be boring. 

I know the following won't be read by a teenager, but it may give some parents out there some relief in knowing they are not alone. 

So, you may have noticed your parents absence, during the day, Monday through Friday. They do something called work, for reasons mostly having to do with you, taxes, and current trends in prices on just about everything. They expect to be doing it for years to come. 

Work is how they pay for the house you live in, the food you eat, the clothes you wear and the car you drive, and the tickets, you need, to see the whatever it is concert this weekend. I won't even mention the overages on your cell phone plans and the late fee's on movie rentals. 

Work is usually from 8am to 5pm, Monday through Friday, but because of traffic, add on an hour each way for the commute. This means they get up as late as 6am to dress and eat, and get home as early as 6pm, if everything goes well. That is not always so, several times a week, expect them to be late. Once in awhile something at work acquires the label, "Important Project" (parents hear this term like it is coming through a wind tunnel in slow motion) this "project" requires them to work a Saturday. No, they cannot skip it.

They work for someone known as "the boss" (another term heard in slow motion)  By the way, do you think your teachers are tough? Do they make you do things that seem pointless? Do you think they don't understand how tired you are, or that you're having a hard time because Tiffany just dumped Brad, and your stressed about what Brad might do? Wait a few years, they you will meet some of the bosses out there. 


To prepare for this you should know that their are some bosses out there that would make Attila the Hun, curl up in a fetal position and blubber for mercy. Then that boss would fire him for crying on company time. 


So after work, your parents get home. Unless they enjoy endless tuna sandwiches, or frozen pizza from a box, they get to make dinner. As they start cooking, they wonder, "are those the same dishes that were in the sink last night?" Didn't we ask someone to put them in the dishwasher, and by use of incalculable reserves of energy, and unimaginable use of dexterity,  PRESS THE ON BUTTON? 


Time for the "dish fairy" to put in an appearance, sweep the house for dishes and plates, and do them. That way, everyone, has something to eat from! 


They serve dinner. 


This again? You know I don't like casserole, (meat, tuna, stew, chops, ribs, soup, goulash, fish, rice, beans, carrots, potatoes, salads, ect) Can't you guys ever make anything else? 


They finish dinner, put the dishes in the sink, and with a sense of futility, ask if someone can load the dishes and run the dishwasher for tomorrow. 


As they finally settle into the den, they hear a voice yelling, "I don't have any clothes for tomorrow!" <<< Why don't you pull some from that humongous pile in your room, and put them in the washer. When they are done, transfer them from the washer to the dryer, and dry them. Oh, and then put them away!  Of course I am hollering over the sound of their xbox, ps3, TV, ect... I have been at metal concerts that have been quieter and more peaceful than this. (They hear the sound of doors slamming) 


They go to bed in order to rest up for the day. Then come's the weekend. This is when they wash the car, buy groceries, mow the lawn, clean the house, fix leaky faucets, return movies to the store, and occasionally buy the 1st new blouse, or shirt, they've had in over a year. 


On Sunday night, they drift into sleep, knowing that tomorrow is Monday and the cycle starts all over again. It may seem boring to you, but it seems more like busy to them. They can't dodge any of it, and the good ones don't even try. They funny thing is, that in the end, most of them love doinging it. (although they won't admit it, and frequently look back on it with fond memories) 

That is if they're not arrested for boiling you in oil first!

The music Industry

I have been on and off the scene for the past 30 years. Started off at panama's, when Jim was still a cook there. After he bought it, I went to work for him and Jen as a server. 

 Back then, we all wore black skirts, cumber buns and white tux shirts with a tie. (short black skirts). The 1st time I had a douche bag drunk put his hand up my skirt, about 4 months into my job, I slammed a tray of drinks in his face. This was when the server's knew how to serve too. The drink tray was stacked 3 drinks high. Ha! Well shoot and damn. 

Jen, who managed the bar, (Jimmy Z) pulled me from the floor, asked if I wanted a drink, (baileys and coffee) and then put me on the door. That is how I got my start as a bouncer. 

Anyway, back to the scene. Back then we had some big bands coming through, and so I ended up knowing a lot of musicians. Some stayed local, and a lot went big. 

One of the cocktail waitress was a good friend of mine, and we would go for breakfast after our shift most nights. We both had daughters the same age. One night at breakfast, she looked at me and said, we can't hang out any more. I asked why? This was shocking to me. We were really close, or so I thought. She said because she had heard that I was sleeping with all, ALL, the band members. WOWZA, did this blow my mind. Yes, I was single and knew a lot of them, hung out with some, and are still very close to some of them, but sleeping with them? No. Where the hell was this coming from? I dated a few friends of musicians, but did not "sleep around" Had a lot of fun, and did some crazy shit with girlfriends, but again, wow.
 
I talked with a friend of mine who was like a brother to me. I asked him what he thought. By then, I was contracting for the liquor board,  and was working other Seattle area clubs. I was an I.D. expert at this point and managed several security teams in different venues. He said to me, "you take 1/2 of what you hear, cut that in 1/2, and MAYBE, a 1/3 of that MIGHT be true.

There is a point to this post, and I'm trying not to digress here. Bottom line. Personal business should stay personal, and professional business should stay professional. Most people in the industry know whats what. Most are still basic decent good humans. In fact, musicians, are some of the most loving giving people I know. You always get your nut case, that goes for any group of people. The jealous ones, the ones who want to hold you back because they know you shine. Don't let them. Go for what makes you happy and keep going for it. I did, and still do, and won't give up. 

I have come full circle now, after being married 16 years, but I am the happiest I have been in a long time. It may not be the life some people think I should have, but that is their problem, not mine. 

Stay true to your self, always. It's the only way you can stay true to someone else. 

Roots

Today I had some hard decisions to make. I knew they were coming and I didn't want to make the wrong ones. You see, it involves my children and my granddaughter whom I have custody of.

I will give you some back ground..... I grew up, in the same home, same parents... no divorce. My parents are still married, 58 years this year,  and only sold their home after 45 years of living there. We always had our home and friends to go back to. I still have friends I grew up with. I went to the same schools my entire life, and stayed in the same area my whole life. Realistically, I understand that may not be an option, but I will do what I can to make it happen for them. I will not abandon them.

I understand that in this day and age things are different, but it doesn't have to be. I want my children to have stability and responsibility and accountability. Choosing to be with Rick is giving them that. I'm not saying that their father is a bad father, I'm saying we have different views on how the children should live. 

I am trying desperately to hang onto my home. I want them in the same schools, they have been traumatized enough with what they have dealt with in the last year and a half. I get that the market is down, I get that I am under or over 120,000,00 in debt if I choose to short sale my home. However, the money is not the issue, if I can find a way to hang on to this dead horse and make it work for the children, then I will do so. I do no want to up-root them, and have them face more challenges than they need to at this point in time.

At the moment I live in a 1932 farm house. It needs work, but nothing major. The kids love this house and the school they are in. They have friends and activity's that would change for all of them if I let it go. This is one of the hardest decisions I will ever have to make, and as far as I am concerned, I will fight for this place to my dying breath.

To the one who is making me fight for this..... remember, karma is a bitch, and it will come back on you, For the ones who are helping me,... I cannot thank you enough, or express my gratitude in all you do for me through your friendship and support.

Signing off, god bless all of you.

My life

So, I sit here at 1am in the morning, wondering where my life is going. Last year, I had plans. Simple plans. Go to school, get my appraisers license and continue my home business. 

I turned 47 today, and I have always taken care of myself. Always, and others. I look at what is happening around me, and my heart hurts for what my children may be facing in the next month or so. 

I have slowly closed my business, due to personal and health issues, and can no longer work in the public. Now I am facing loosing my home, my children's home. I have no idea where to turn or what to do. It really makes me wonder what I have done in my life to warrant this possible ending. I know when one door closes, another door opens, but at the moment it is to dark to see the other door. 

My faith is strong, and I have good people in my life. I have a man whom I love and support with all my heart, and he does the same for me. However sometimes, things are beyond our control, and we have to sit back and see where the cards fall. 

My older son is in ROTC, he is a good kid and has goals, my younger kids, are all in bible study, choir and school activities, but the events in their life in the last year has caused them to distrust what may happen in their future. I have tried to teach them that nothing is guaranteed and that anything can happen, but also, no matter what, I love them. 


I have done what I could to hang on to this family and keep us together. I just don't know if I have the strength anymore to continue. I am tired. Tired of all the drama and fighting. Tired of trying to hang on to something that I thought was worth it for them, but other's in my life do not feel the same. I feel like the ones who should care what happens to these kids, have turned their back on us. Most of the time, I roll with this, I don't let it get to me, but today, not only my birthday, but also the anniversary of someone who made a promise to me and our children, broke that promise for his own selfish reasons. I have forgiven him, which enabled me to move on, but I don't believe the children have.


My husband wanted out of our marriage. Out of the blue, now he wants to walk Scott free and not pay a dime for any thing. He has not thought about the trauma his leaving and involving another woman in my children's lives, prior to divorcing me, has done to them. He is not thinking about what he is choosing to do now, He refuses to see what it will do to them. They have accepted her to a point, but I can still see the anger and deal with it daily. They love Rick and respect him for supporting me and being a part of my happiness, but as all children do, they do not understand, and I don't know how to tell them that dad is no longer going to pay for their home. 


I try to stay positive, and keep them moving along on a daily basis and to concentrate on school and being kids. It is not always easy and I am not perfect. 


I have a decision to make, and it is not going to be easy for anyone involved. Mostly it will not be easy for my children. I have prayed and thought on this in the last month, knowing this was coming and I do not have an answer as to how to deal with it, but I trust god will get me through this one way or the other. No matter what I do. 


Blessings and love to all.

Words of Love

I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that.

It's 1 2 1 2

Year in review 

January: One hell of a month. Spent it just trying to get through each day. Cleaning, getting the kids to school, and purging. 

February: The 1st "was" my 15th year anniversary and also my birthday. I spent that alone, but had a former friend down for dinner. It was also the catalyst month for who I am with now. I also bought my Ruger, and started training again.

March: Purged a lot in the home this month, and started on the yard. The last week of March, my daughter and granddaughter came for a visit from Montana. I was also still wearing my wedding rings and was still being told that he was coming home. I had a home invasion in this month, and was told on the last week by my children that "daddy" had a girlfriend. 

April: This month was another life changing month. I had taken my wedding rings off, and was considering the dating pool again. I met a dear friend, with whom we both had thought about taking a few steps in that direction, but he was also going through divorce as I was. On the 5th of this month, I had my 1st date, but with a man that I met through the internet. I knew we had something, but we were also both processing where our relationship might go. 

May: Still dating this man, who swept me off my feet. I have to say, this may seem fast for some of you, but I had done a lot of reflection from the time Paul left in November, although we were finished in August, and I know that I had out grown him. I was ready for new love and did not even realize it until meeting. 

June: From March forward, I had hit the music scene again, after being gone from it for almost 17 years. Rick, as those of you who know him, is a drummer. I was going to most of his gigs and spending time on the house in-between times. I was also meeting new friends and hooking up with old ones, and having the time of my life. 

July: I love the summer, and this month we actually had some sun, so I spent a lot of time out side and also I was still purging things from my past. My relationship with Rick was progressing, although we have had some ups and downs, I have been completely happy with him. My friendships with the new people I have met were also becoming stronger. I had model pictures done, with my vintage clothing, although I was in the process of closing down, due to to many personal issues happening and taking care of the children.

August: The kids seemed to be doing fine, although knowing them and our dynamics, I also know they were all still suffering from the split with me and their dad. On the 1st, when Paul came to get the mortgage, we had a phone conversation that changed things again. I took a roll of the dice, and I am now in the fight of my life for my children's home. 

September: The kids are back in school. I have stayed in close touch with the principal and the counselors to make sure the kids are on the right track. We have had a few bumps, but overall they have done well. This was also a month of taking care of some health issues, although now, they seem to be back. 

October: Ricks band was doing good, and he was coming along musically on the scene. I have to say, he is an amazing drummer. The best I have seen come out of the Northwest in a long time. Don't get me wrong, there are good ones out there, but for as fast as he came up on the scene, he kills it. He's going places. I have no words to describe how proud of him I am. 

November: Still moving forward here. Antony and the kids are doing well, although we have some things happening with Alexis that need to get addressed. ASAP, and I am not getting help from her dad. Not sure why he seems to thinks things are fine, but they are SO not. Rick has taken on a couple more musical projects and his career is moving forward the way he needs it too. 

December: This again is another hard month, not just because of the holidays, but because the children are going through all the memories of having their second Christmas without dad and dealing with the 1st year of knowing he is not coming back. They know I am happy, but they also see all of dad's things still here, and as children do, think maybe, just maybe, he will come home. They don't say it, but they don't have to. I can see it in behavior and actions.  Our Christmas was good, (wonderful for me, being the 1st of many to come with Rick) but it also low key. 

In closing:

I am also still in cleaning mode, and finally have gotten Paul to remove some of his things. The catalyst for this was CPS showing up at my door, Christmas eve. How nice. Following this was the health dept. The allegations involved are bogus and contradictory, so I am hoping that inter-agancy, they will see this as harassment. I will never have access to the name, but the agency's will.  At this point, there is no public disclosure, so I have no way to defend myself. The children know the truth of the situation, as does Paul, his girlfriend and his family. They are not neglected, living in filth, nor going hungry while I live high on the hog. I don't do drugs, and drink on occasion, when they are at their dads. Nothing illegal in that. They are well dressed, and well behaved kids. That is the main point, they are KIDS.  

Starting the New year dealing with this situation is going to be interesting. I will say this, the person, or persons who have sunk this low to hurt me,  have only hurt my children, and that is not a good thing to do in my book. Karma will come back on you. 

The positive out of this, is my place is now MINE again, and Paul's things are almost gone. There are still a few here he needs to get, but that is being taken care of by the end of the week.

To the people I love, and who have been here for me. 

Rick, you have been my rock and my inspiration this year and I know you will continue to be. 

To the ones who want to hurt me? Well, you can kiss my ass. Bring it on. You have fucked with the wrong mom. Nuff said. 

Happy New year everyone, and may this one be better than the last one. 

Life is devine Chaos.......forgive yourself

A little over 15 years ago, I trusted a man and vows that were said. A little over a year ago, those vows were broken. I was broken. It has taken me almost a year to put myself back together, along with my children and their needs. I have not had help doing this, and        people call me strong. 

 I'm not. Everyday, I have my moments of wondering if I am doing the right thing, hanging onto the family home, running my business, which at this point is failing miserably. There is not a day that goes by that I do not look at my children and feel the pain of the betrayal of their father.  I have forgiven him for what he did, and I have moved on, but my children have not. I am not OK, because I do not know how to fix the hurt that was done to them. I can only love them and be there in the way that my parents taught me.

Yesterday I had such a moment of weakness out shopping that I broke down in the store. This lead to a discussion with my mother in law about my home, and children. I don't know from one day to the next if I am going to have to up-root them and move them on. I know she said to trust her, but I am sorry, I just don't. 

I do know that I was raised for more than 25 years in the same home, same school district and same friends. I want this for my children, and anyone that thinks that children are that resilient and that capable of just letting go and moving forward is wrong. I know, because I see it. These children love this house, they love their friends, and teacher's and activities. 

I see the anger and rebellion from my granddaughter that I have custody of. Her trying to fit and find out who she is. Her mother did the right thing at the time by giving me the guardianship of her and letting me raise her, but there are some things that are beyond my power to do. She needs help and love and stability, and every day that goes by, I worry about whether I can provide this for her. 


My boys seem to do OK, although I know by their grades that the middle one is suffering, and quiet, and hard to reach. My youngest, is just that. He is still the baby, but there will come a time when he will need that father figure, whether it be his real one, or someone I am with to help him to his manhood. My oldest...... well, I am the proudest of him. He has taken on so much, and knows the pain of what I go through. He see's me when I have cried, and am distant. He see's me wanting to throw it all in, and walk away, but he knows I won't. I won't do to my children what my husband did.

We are both in relationships. Mine makes me happy. I didn't think I could be happier. I thought I was fine, but what I have now, means more to me than the vows that were taken that long ago day. The reason is this, I trust this man. I don't know if my ex is happy. I don't know if who I am with will be the person I am always with. I want to be. He is a very special and amazing man,  That much I know, but nothing is guaranteed. 

I hope my ex is happy, but I also know that the guilt he carry's over what he has done to our children will stay with him for his life, and regrets can ruin a person.  I don't want to see this happen. I want him to realize what the children need. Not to come back. I don't want that. I want him to be a dad and to communicate about what is right for them. 

This is not about us, it is about them. I wish he would see that. 


Yesterday I put up a post on facebook, that was pretty much self pity. I feel bad for that, I am not normally a person who falls into that pit.  I will be alone on Christmas.... this is the 1st time in my life I will be alone. I have always had family to be with. My parents are aging, and I will not be able to make it to see them, but I will call. I will call the people I love and let them know that I love them. That is what is important. No matter the kind of love, passion, desire, admiration, and all the different kinds of love there are, I will let them know. 

I just wanted people to know where my mind is right now. Maybe not a good place, but I will make it out of this. Somehow, someway. I will make it happen. 

Remember this, beautiful pictures are being developed from negatives in a dark room, So if you see darkness in your life, you can be sure that a beautiful picture is being developed by god. 

Someday, that picture, the one with the hands of commitment will happen again for me, I know, because I know how to love, not only myself, but the people in my life. 

Wishing all my loved ones a Merry Christmas and Happy New year, where ever you may be.