Thursday, February 21, 2013

For my mother - Rebel Child - 2/22/25 - 3/19/12

My mother's 88th birthday would have been tomorrow. She passed last year, and I was fine. I knew she was in a good place, and happier. Now I am not so fine. I am missing her more this week than anytime since we laid her to rest.

I think we can cast people in our lives; almost assign them roles and then stop seeing them as they truly are. And when we sense something truly dark, something monstrous, we can pull a veil over our eyes...because to acknowledge that is to take responsibility. Once you know, you have to do something about it, and that can be the most frighting thing of all.

The phone call that day, although I knew, I knew the night before, came while I was driving down to see her. It was like Ice water on my face. I felt every nerve ending in my body come alive. I knew all about pulling the veil  over my eyes. I just didn't want to remove it.

My mother and I were not as close as we should have been growing up. I idolized my father, but mom was just mom, and in later years, we grew apart, in part due to my own life choices. My mother was an opera singer before she met my father and settled down. She studied at the Boston Conservatory of Music. Growing up with her, we always had music. All 3 of us were required to play piano, and later I did clarinet  and keyboards. 14 years total of private music lessons.

When I moved away from home at the age of 17, I hit the 1st job I could think of. A bar. Cocktail waitress. I hated it with a passion, and finally talked my boss into letting me do security. From there I stayed in the bar/music scene for almost 20 years, and went on to private security, then Government.

In 2001, a rare illness put me out of commission. 4 years of Chemo, and hard narcotics, and no cure. I was given a year at the time, but decided after stopping the chemo to say F*K you to the medical community and did it my own way. I'm still here. Every year since then I have dealt with one medical issue after another having to do with my original diagnosis. I was told that would be the case, and I fight each one individually.

Anyway, back to mom, and music. I picked Rebel Child for her, because I was her Rebel, but despite my life journey, I am still making it. After starting my on-line business 5 years prior to moms passing, and then shutting it down for the 2 years of the divorce, and move, and loosing mom in the middle of that, I wanted her to know, along with the support of my father that I am back, in business, and going to school, and doing good. Just missing her tremendously, because when she left us, I was not doing so well. I hope that she can see where things are going now, and her Rebel Child is doing well. I love you mom~ Peace~
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