Cross Roads

This is another tough one for me to write. 

11 years ago, I took on raising my granddaughter. Circumstances at the time do not matter as to why, but the bottom line is, I did. I was also pregnant with my 3rd and youngest son. One month prior to giving birth to him, my one year old grandchild, Alexis Michelle Surdyk Winne was placed into our home. 

I was married at the time, and had a 6 year old son, and 3 year old son. Now I was looking at taking on a one year old and having a new born. One month later I had Gabriel. One week later, I was diagnosed with a rare illness and they gave me one year to live. 

My children were growing up knowing I was sick and one day this illness would take me. So we made the best of it. They grew up basically happy in a suburban home, with summer trips and happy holidays and always surrounded by family. Grandparents and cousins and Aunts and Uncles. 

2 years ago my husband left me for another woman. The children were devastated. I was devastated for them, and kept hoping that things would work out, that he would come back. See, he, and they did not know about the other woman. I did. I kept it to myself. I thought if he choose to, I would let him back. What took place was, he involved the children in the affair, and I "learned" of it from them. (Even though I had given him plenty of opportunity to tell me)  This is not about him though. 

At the time of his leaving, my kids were 9, 10, 11, and 15. I fought to keep my kids in their home for two year's. I lost. I fought to keep my children together, and lost that one too. My oldest, is a senior in high school at MPHS in Marysville, which is where we were living at the time. I had to take a cut in income and then had to make the decision to move south to a lower rental area. I searched for 8 months for a home that would fit our needs and what I could afford in the Marysville area and could not find one, so I made the decision to have my son commute. He stays with friends during the week and see's me on weekends. If his schedule allows. That one hurt. I miss him terribly. 

Now, once again I have come to another crossroads. Yesterday, my finances took another hit. My Ex was well aware this was going to happen, and has used it to validate why he left me and why I should not have my children. (One day, I will write and post, all he has said about his leaving a seemingly happy marriage and everything that took place between him and I since then) Not this time. Bottom line, is he knew this was going to happen, and laughs about it. Not caring about the children or the impact this is going to have on them, once again.

 I will say this, The courts, with my ex's awareness, has taken credit, (being the obligatory parent) for the state, (tax payers) paying for Alexis's care, and now all that money, 31,000.00 will be paid back by him, and not go to my other two children that will stay here. In other words, they take it all. Even the amount that my two boys are entitled to get under the child support laws. 

My granddaughter is 12 now. He and my 17 year old took the split the hardest. I have always taught my children that life is not always fair, and we deal with it the best we can. My oldest has. Now it is her turn. Because of what took place, and most of it legal stuff, in a nutshell, she will be going back to her mother. I am removing the dependency action that permanently placed her with us.  Within a month, before the 1st of the year she will be placed with her mother in Bellingham. On the one hand this is good for her, but on the other, it is ripping her out of the family she has been raised with. Needless to say. I am pissed, hurt, and over all bowled over by the system, my ex. and the disregard for this childs well being. I know her mother is in a better position to have her, but I don't know that this is the right choice. I don't have the answers, but I do know, that it should not be taking place as quick as it is, because of an uncaring parent. 

I can only thank god that my daughter has changed her life enough for Alexis to return to her. 

Also due to all this taking place, the new place I am in, I will have to leave. I can no longer afford it, and so I will be making a move also. 

Indulgence

I want

             your legs

                     draped over my shoulders

              your voice. 

breath filled and coy;

                             your hands
                                  
                                   pulling me in closer.

your body
            
                writhing with joy; 

My face, 
    
      buried deep between your thighs;
   
                  holding me in place. 


my nose
    
       filled with your sweet scent, 

                                    my tongue, 

                                              dancing with your taste............

Meltdown

Anyone remember my meltdown blog?  You know the one, where the "mother" of one of my son's friends dropped her children off in my yard, like it was a public park, after not contacting me for a year, WHEN I was not home? 

Remember how I slammed my jeep into reverse, burned rubber into the neighbors yard, jumped out went off on her? Manners, common sense, courtesy,  stepping on people's toes, dis-respect......ect..... how I thought she was a pathetic excuse for a mom? 

The one where my son is hanging out the bedroom window asking me if I want my gun's....(and laughing) but oh, it was not funny at the time. 

OK, well, here we go again, this is not about a mother, but about people period. I have just about reached my limit with all the deceit, backstabbing, lies, and BS, that is being flung my way. OH, and lets not forget the "politically correct" manipulation that is happening. 

This is just an fyi, for those of you who watched me flip on my last meltdown, this one? Yea.....The one that's coming on, that will probably start with the school board tomorrow, continue on to ....let's say the people who are no longer in my life but want to continue to talk trash and throw stuff my way on occasion. Then.... how about the so called professional one's that are oh so not professional, and how about the one's who have messed with my friends? Yea, them too. I am just done. Done being nice, done being giving, sweet, gracious, blah, de, blah blah, blah. Done. Get it people?? 

Just a warning. I have never been a mean person, and truly, I hate having to say or do anything. People should just know better.  I have had my meltdown in the past, and that one? That was nothing compared to what I got stocked up now. 

Really going to need my tiara for this one, and the diamond knuckles. 

clarity

Her mind wanders to a time when she was a young girl; seeing her parents love surround everyone around them. Never a judgement, never critical. Always providing what was a basic need in every human life. Love. Unconditional.

Growing up middle class, a father who worked at 5am, and was home by 5pm. Dinner always on the table by her mother. Not demanded, not expected, done out of love, integrity and cherishing what was right in her world. A concious choice. Both parents supporting the other in everything they did, whether it was raising the children, working, or following thier dreams.

Did she know if her parents had dreams? Her mother was an opera singer at one time in her life, she was in the waves, and once having met her father, came the sacrifice of giving up what she wanted for what they choose to do. Be together, have a family, and do for that family what most in todays society do not respect or cherish.

There was always give and take, never one sided. Her father did everything for her mother and his children, and her mother did everything for her father. Mature enough to realize that the choice they made was for life. Vows were taken seriously, no matter where the road lead them. There were not terms like drama, or self gratification. They valued what they had, in each other and in thier children. What god threw at them was life, and they lived it to the fullest.

Her mother sang in the local choir's, at the civic center's and in the different churches they attened over the years. Never did she hear her say, she wished she had followed a different path. Never was there a regret, at least none that was shown or taught to her young family that she may have wanted things differently. She was blessed and happy with her life.

At one point in time, she heard her father mention he had always wanted a motorcycle. He did not say it with regret in his voice, it was just a statement to him, because he knew on a level that most do not understand that the choices he had made, had taken him down a road where everything that was done in his life was done for the people around him, not for himself.

Both finding happiness in how they lived. Loving what they choose, what was given them; unconditionally.

That young girl is now an older woman, a truth seeker, a woman with confidence and living her life the way her parents did. Giving love freely, with trust and integrity, no matter the sacrifices she has made herself. Living wih no regrets. Giving back what was given to her. Blessed with people who are like minded and give love the same way it was given to her. Happy with other peoples happiness, despite what her own trials and tribulations may be.

She knows she does not have much time here in her earthly body, and chooses to give what god gave to her. Knowledge to pass on to her own young family, to accept people for who they are, what their needs and dreams are, no matter whether she may think thier choices are right or wrong. It is not for her to decide, but to support, and sacrifice what she can to make them happy, in turn making herself happy.

This is what life is meant to be. Gracious and good, giving and living, to the best of her ability and passing that on to those who surround her. Loving un-conditionaly,

Clarity.

Her Touch

Her touch is like angel wings, drifting softly across his body. Goose bumps arise on his bare skin, and he feels it to his very core. Like an ocean breeze on a warm summer day, it's felt in every part of him.

His biceps to his wrists, then slowely down his back to his buttocks. He's never felt the way she makes him feel when her hands travel the entire length of him. Touching his heart like no other. The lightest of nails, slide down his torso, taking his breath away.  Sliding to his calves, down to his ankles. Her touch is a peice of heaven.

She relaxes him with a whisper, running her fingers through his long hair. Taking him to a place of peace, with no worry, nothing negative. If only she could touch him like this forever. Taking all the pain and heartache of his past away with just her hands. Making him the only one to have known the feel of her heart.

The depth of awareness, the expanded consciousness, the increased sensitivity, the awareness of limitation, the tenderness of love, the meaning of friendship, the appreciation of life, the joy of a passionate heart, it is her's to give to him~

"My love for you is a journey; Starting at forever, And ending at never."~ She touches him~

Matter's of the heart

She stands on the edge of the rock, watching the 1st color of the morning sky, a dusty rose. Perched on a cold slippery stone, at the lakes edge, while the water laps at her feet.

She looks back on her life, wondring how she came to be here. Choices. Other than the whisper of a light breeze, the only sound is the call of the loons.

She lets her robe drop, thinking all the while how other's view her in her swimsuit at her age. She has slipped out of the home while her family sleeps, to think in the quiet of the morning.

No one can see her, among the tree's surrounding the water, and who would want too? She is alone with her thoughts. Most people would avert thier eyes, for she dresses young considring her age. Does it matter? She is happy with how she is, how she has lived. She knows she is stylish when fully clothed, but time has robbed her of her of the lushness of her body. Her creamy skin, and shiny hair. She still feels like she is 20, but in fact, is much older.

She is unrecognizable as the girl she was then, in fact, this is true for everyone. No one her age see's the person they were in the mirror.

She eases into the water, but today for some reason, the water seems colder, her body seizes in shock, and she already wants to turn back. She can't seem to get her stride. When she was younger, she could swim circles around this lake. She use to relish this.

She remembers the water being warmer, more accepting of her body.

The early morning has stolen time, The time before the children wake and need her. She wishes it could last forever, the quiet, the freedom.

Today is not as pleasant as she thought it to be. It was just a shadow of what it could have been. How she dreamed it.

She didn't like being reminded of her age, it made her angry, frustratged. She was unbeatable at one time. As she put her robe on, she saw a figure standing in the tree's. Only did she?  Was it her imagination, or was it?

Insight

Friends, lovers, soulmates....Sometimes we hurt the people we love the most. We do it, because something inside of us is broken and hurting. It does not even have to do with the other person, it's just this ugly thing.

An unhappy place, and everything bad....... anger sadness, jelousy....it all lives there.

When you go there, you live in that place, and when your there you might do and say things that are hurtful and terrible.

Things that are good and happy and bright cause you pain. You want to hide those things, smash them, kill them. You want other people to hurt, so they can feel your pain.

Even when you profess to love them.

Sorry is life, do people really understand what that means? Do they learn from it, and move forward, or do they continue to hide behind thier pain? How can you love, when you don't love yourself?

Primal Heat

A connection, so base, with another person; unbridled lust. Hot sizzeling passion, the sheer lunacy of a moment in time when you feel wild, unthreatened in your sexuality. Complete confidence in satisfaction.

Hot summers night, a look, crazed with need. Clothing being torn, shed, thrown, a need so deep to feel skin to skin. Animal, screams in your mind for touch; fast, slick, hot.

His sculputred body, dripping, wet. Movement, in slow motion, he's holding her curved back to him, his muscled  tattoed arm across her breast, a moment of protection for her, power for him. Yet, the only emotion, the only need is to be complete. Satiated, slack with having the fire fed.

His member, sliding into her, thick and hard, filling her; her hair, dripping, thrown over his shoulder, his breath on her neck. Both on thier knees, his back to the wall. A gripping need for fullfillment. Muscles, tortured, streched for release.  Feeling it, seeing it in her mind. Feeling it in the deepest part of her.  Living and breathing every inch of his perfection. Re-living it.

The hottness, comes in waves then,  spiraling,  flooding her mind, her soul. Shaking her to her core. Knowing every inch of him, tracing him in her minds eye, shattering her senses.  Breaking her composure, reducing her to nothing and everything; the universe. Exploding, expanding, being washed away. Cleansed.  Just a moment in time. Primal.

He tastes it

 Failure is not a feeling: it's a taste, acidic, hot, sickening; an ache at the base of his skull. The frantic hum that permeates his whole body. The reflections in his womans eye's. In her fake smile at the end of the day.

The creeping grip of it in his cold hands. Know one knows the worst of it, but him.  His glance in the mirror, the insecurity of knowing the truth. Nausea sweeps his mind. There is no way out, no way back.

Racing towards an abyss, his thoughts conjuring madly blowing winds, swirling endlessly in a black sky. Not stopping, yet seeing his choices so clearly, the pain of them numbing him.  Wanting to shut out the ceasless litnay of needs. An altogether familiar tightness in his chest. Screaming, so silently.

All he can hear now, is the sound of his own thoughts. Trying to fill them, with faceless, nameless people. He see's them as angry and grey, gripping thier own thoughts, and lives, the way he is. Only, is he projecting? Was he simply seeing the world around him in a portrait of his own inner life?

Is he the failure? Or, is the rest of the world? Who is he? What is he? On the road, he watches the traffic going past. Fast, faster, everyone trying to get somewhere. At the grocery store, he looks at the rows and rows of consumer products, all of them saying buy me, buy me. I'll make you healthier, I'll make you richer, what does it all mean?  Where is he going in life?

What is life?  He is lost in his selfishness, lost in thinking and belieivng it's all about him, but he can't stop. Does the end really justify the means? Is there such a thing as acceptale causualtys?  He no longer cares, his needs are greater.

His pain is greater than all else. Does he believe this? Yes, he believes this. He suffer's. No one else. Pride is the advent of fools, he was taught this, but his numbness prevents logical thinking. His heart, is cold, and dead. Dried up like the fall leaves that cover the ground. Crushed beneath the weight of failure.

Pop Quiz for teens: How do your clothes get clean?

A friend of mine recently mentioned that her son said she was boring. So, that got me to thinking to things teenagers may not be picking up on with regards to parents. 

Not so short a lesson on why your parents may be boring. 

I know the following won't be read by a teenager, but it may give some parents out there some relief in knowing they are not alone. 

So, you may have noticed your parents absence, during the day, Monday through Friday. They do something called work, for reasons mostly having to do with you, taxes, and current trends in prices on just about everything. They expect to be doing it for years to come. 

Work is how they pay for the house you live in, the food you eat, the clothes you wear and the car you drive, and the tickets, you need, to see the whatever it is concert this weekend. I won't even mention the overages on your cell phone plans and the late fee's on movie rentals. 

Work is usually from 8am to 5pm, Monday through Friday, but because of traffic, add on an hour each way for the commute. This means they get up as late as 6am to dress and eat, and get home as early as 6pm, if everything goes well. That is not always so, several times a week, expect them to be late. Once in awhile something at work acquires the label, "Important Project" (parents hear this term like it is coming through a wind tunnel in slow motion) this "project" requires them to work a Saturday. No, they cannot skip it.

They work for someone known as "the boss" (another term heard in slow motion)  By the way, do you think your teachers are tough? Do they make you do things that seem pointless? Do you think they don't understand how tired you are, or that you're having a hard time because Tiffany just dumped Brad, and your stressed about what Brad might do? Wait a few years, they you will meet some of the bosses out there. 


To prepare for this you should know that their are some bosses out there that would make Attila the Hun, curl up in a fetal position and blubber for mercy. Then that boss would fire him for crying on company time. 


So after work, your parents get home. Unless they enjoy endless tuna sandwiches, or frozen pizza from a box, they get to make dinner. As they start cooking, they wonder, "are those the same dishes that were in the sink last night?" Didn't we ask someone to put them in the dishwasher, and by use of incalculable reserves of energy, and unimaginable use of dexterity,  PRESS THE ON BUTTON? 


Time for the "dish fairy" to put in an appearance, sweep the house for dishes and plates, and do them. That way, everyone, has something to eat from! 


They serve dinner. 


This again? You know I don't like casserole, (meat, tuna, stew, chops, ribs, soup, goulash, fish, rice, beans, carrots, potatoes, salads, ect) Can't you guys ever make anything else? 


They finish dinner, put the dishes in the sink, and with a sense of futility, ask if someone can load the dishes and run the dishwasher for tomorrow. 


As they finally settle into the den, they hear a voice yelling, "I don't have any clothes for tomorrow!" <<< Why don't you pull some from that humongous pile in your room, and put them in the washer. When they are done, transfer them from the washer to the dryer, and dry them. Oh, and then put them away!  Of course I am hollering over the sound of their xbox, ps3, TV, ect... I have been at metal concerts that have been quieter and more peaceful than this. (They hear the sound of doors slamming) 


They go to bed in order to rest up for the day. Then come's the weekend. This is when they wash the car, buy groceries, mow the lawn, clean the house, fix leaky faucets, return movies to the store, and occasionally buy the 1st new blouse, or shirt, they've had in over a year. 


On Sunday night, they drift into sleep, knowing that tomorrow is Monday and the cycle starts all over again. It may seem boring to you, but it seems more like busy to them. They can't dodge any of it, and the good ones don't even try. They funny thing is, that in the end, most of them love doinging it. (although they won't admit it, and frequently look back on it with fond memories) 

That is if they're not arrested for boiling you in oil first!

The music Industry

I have been on and off the scene for the past 30 years. Started off at panama's, when Jim was still a cook there. After he bought it, I went to work for him and Jen as a server. 

 Back then, we all wore black skirts, cumber buns and white tux shirts with a tie. (short black skirts). The 1st time I had a douche bag drunk put his hand up my skirt, about 4 months into my job, I slammed a tray of drinks in his face. This was when the server's knew how to serve too. The drink tray was stacked 3 drinks high. Ha! Well shoot and damn. 

Jen, who managed the bar, (Jimmy Z) pulled me from the floor, asked if I wanted a drink, (baileys and coffee) and then put me on the door. That is how I got my start as a bouncer. 

Anyway, back to the scene. Back then we had some big bands coming through, and so I ended up knowing a lot of musicians. Some stayed local, and a lot went big. 

One of the cocktail waitress was a good friend of mine, and we would go for breakfast after our shift most nights. We both had daughters the same age. One night at breakfast, she looked at me and said, we can't hang out any more. I asked why? This was shocking to me. We were really close, or so I thought. She said because she had heard that I was sleeping with all, ALL, the band members. WOWZA, did this blow my mind. Yes, I was single and knew a lot of them, hung out with some, and are still very close to some of them, but sleeping with them? No. Where the hell was this coming from? I dated a few friends of musicians, but did not "sleep around" Had a lot of fun, and did some crazy shit with girlfriends, but again, wow.
 
I talked with a friend of mine who was like a brother to me. I asked him what he thought. By then, I was contracting for the liquor board,  and was working other Seattle area clubs. I was an I.D. expert at this point and managed several security teams in different venues. He said to me, "you take 1/2 of what you hear, cut that in 1/2, and MAYBE, a 1/3 of that MIGHT be true.

There is a point to this post, and I'm trying not to digress here. Bottom line. Personal business should stay personal, and professional business should stay professional. Most people in the industry know whats what. Most are still basic decent good humans. In fact, musicians, are some of the most loving giving people I know. You always get your nut case, that goes for any group of people. The jealous ones, the ones who want to hold you back because they know you shine. Don't let them. Go for what makes you happy and keep going for it. I did, and still do, and won't give up. 

I have come full circle now, after being married 16 years, but I am the happiest I have been in a long time. It may not be the life some people think I should have, but that is their problem, not mine. 

Stay true to your self, always. It's the only way you can stay true to someone else. 

Roots

Today I had some hard decisions to make. I knew they were coming and I didn't want to make the wrong ones. You see, it involves my children and my granddaughter whom I have custody of.

I will give you some back ground..... I grew up, in the same home, same parents... no divorce. My parents are still married, 58 years this year,  and only sold their home after 45 years of living there. We always had our home and friends to go back to. I still have friends I grew up with. I went to the same schools my entire life, and stayed in the same area my whole life. Realistically, I understand that may not be an option, but I will do what I can to make it happen for them. I will not abandon them.

I understand that in this day and age things are different, but it doesn't have to be. I want my children to have stability and responsibility and accountability. Choosing to be with Rick is giving them that. I'm not saying that their father is a bad father, I'm saying we have different views on how the children should live. 

I am trying desperately to hang onto my home. I want them in the same schools, they have been traumatized enough with what they have dealt with in the last year and a half. I get that the market is down, I get that I am under or over 120,000,00 in debt if I choose to short sale my home. However, the money is not the issue, if I can find a way to hang on to this dead horse and make it work for the children, then I will do so. I do no want to up-root them, and have them face more challenges than they need to at this point in time.

At the moment I live in a 1932 farm house. It needs work, but nothing major. The kids love this house and the school they are in. They have friends and activity's that would change for all of them if I let it go. This is one of the hardest decisions I will ever have to make, and as far as I am concerned, I will fight for this place to my dying breath.

To the one who is making me fight for this..... remember, karma is a bitch, and it will come back on you, For the ones who are helping me,... I cannot thank you enough, or express my gratitude in all you do for me through your friendship and support.

Signing off, god bless all of you.

My life

So, I sit here at 1am in the morning, wondering where my life is going. Last year, I had plans. Simple plans. Go to school, get my appraisers license and continue my home business. 

I turned 47 today, and I have always taken care of myself. Always, and others. I look at what is happening around me, and my heart hurts for what my children may be facing in the next month or so. 

I have slowly closed my business, due to personal and health issues, and can no longer work in the public. Now I am facing loosing my home, my children's home. I have no idea where to turn or what to do. It really makes me wonder what I have done in my life to warrant this possible ending. I know when one door closes, another door opens, but at the moment it is to dark to see the other door. 

My faith is strong, and I have good people in my life. I have a man whom I love and support with all my heart, and he does the same for me. However sometimes, things are beyond our control, and we have to sit back and see where the cards fall. 

My older son is in ROTC, he is a good kid and has goals, my younger kids, are all in bible study, choir and school activities, but the events in their life in the last year has caused them to distrust what may happen in their future. I have tried to teach them that nothing is guaranteed and that anything can happen, but also, no matter what, I love them. 


I have done what I could to hang on to this family and keep us together. I just don't know if I have the strength anymore to continue. I am tired. Tired of all the drama and fighting. Tired of trying to hang on to something that I thought was worth it for them, but other's in my life do not feel the same. I feel like the ones who should care what happens to these kids, have turned their back on us. Most of the time, I roll with this, I don't let it get to me, but today, not only my birthday, but also the anniversary of someone who made a promise to me and our children, broke that promise for his own selfish reasons. I have forgiven him, which enabled me to move on, but I don't believe the children have.


My husband wanted out of our marriage. Out of the blue, now he wants to walk Scott free and not pay a dime for any thing. He has not thought about the trauma his leaving and involving another woman in my children's lives, prior to divorcing me, has done to them. He is not thinking about what he is choosing to do now, He refuses to see what it will do to them. They have accepted her to a point, but I can still see the anger and deal with it daily. They love Rick and respect him for supporting me and being a part of my happiness, but as all children do, they do not understand, and I don't know how to tell them that dad is no longer going to pay for their home. 


I try to stay positive, and keep them moving along on a daily basis and to concentrate on school and being kids. It is not always easy and I am not perfect. 


I have a decision to make, and it is not going to be easy for anyone involved. Mostly it will not be easy for my children. I have prayed and thought on this in the last month, knowing this was coming and I do not have an answer as to how to deal with it, but I trust god will get me through this one way or the other. No matter what I do. 


Blessings and love to all.

Words of Love

I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that.

It's 1 2 1 2

Year in review 

January: One hell of a month. Spent it just trying to get through each day. Cleaning, getting the kids to school, and purging. 

February: The 1st "was" my 15th year anniversary and also my birthday. I spent that alone, but had a former friend down for dinner. It was also the catalyst month for who I am with now. I also bought my Ruger, and started training again.

March: Purged a lot in the home this month, and started on the yard. The last week of March, my daughter and granddaughter came for a visit from Montana. I was also still wearing my wedding rings and was still being told that he was coming home. I had a home invasion in this month, and was told on the last week by my children that "daddy" had a girlfriend. 

April: This month was another life changing month. I had taken my wedding rings off, and was considering the dating pool again. I met a dear friend, with whom we both had thought about taking a few steps in that direction, but he was also going through divorce as I was. On the 5th of this month, I had my 1st date, but with a man that I met through the internet. I knew we had something, but we were also both processing where our relationship might go. 

May: Still dating this man, who swept me off my feet. I have to say, this may seem fast for some of you, but I had done a lot of reflection from the time Paul left in November, although we were finished in August, and I know that I had out grown him. I was ready for new love and did not even realize it until meeting. 

June: From March forward, I had hit the music scene again, after being gone from it for almost 17 years. Rick, as those of you who know him, is a drummer. I was going to most of his gigs and spending time on the house in-between times. I was also meeting new friends and hooking up with old ones, and having the time of my life. 

July: I love the summer, and this month we actually had some sun, so I spent a lot of time out side and also I was still purging things from my past. My relationship with Rick was progressing, although we have had some ups and downs, I have been completely happy with him. My friendships with the new people I have met were also becoming stronger. I had model pictures done, with my vintage clothing, although I was in the process of closing down, due to to many personal issues happening and taking care of the children.

August: The kids seemed to be doing fine, although knowing them and our dynamics, I also know they were all still suffering from the split with me and their dad. On the 1st, when Paul came to get the mortgage, we had a phone conversation that changed things again. I took a roll of the dice, and I am now in the fight of my life for my children's home. 

September: The kids are back in school. I have stayed in close touch with the principal and the counselors to make sure the kids are on the right track. We have had a few bumps, but overall they have done well. This was also a month of taking care of some health issues, although now, they seem to be back. 

October: Ricks band was doing good, and he was coming along musically on the scene. I have to say, he is an amazing drummer. The best I have seen come out of the Northwest in a long time. Don't get me wrong, there are good ones out there, but for as fast as he came up on the scene, he kills it. He's going places. I have no words to describe how proud of him I am. 

November: Still moving forward here. Antony and the kids are doing well, although we have some things happening with Alexis that need to get addressed. ASAP, and I am not getting help from her dad. Not sure why he seems to thinks things are fine, but they are SO not. Rick has taken on a couple more musical projects and his career is moving forward the way he needs it too. 

December: This again is another hard month, not just because of the holidays, but because the children are going through all the memories of having their second Christmas without dad and dealing with the 1st year of knowing he is not coming back. They know I am happy, but they also see all of dad's things still here, and as children do, think maybe, just maybe, he will come home. They don't say it, but they don't have to. I can see it in behavior and actions.  Our Christmas was good, (wonderful for me, being the 1st of many to come with Rick) but it also low key. 

In closing:

I am also still in cleaning mode, and finally have gotten Paul to remove some of his things. The catalyst for this was CPS showing up at my door, Christmas eve. How nice. Following this was the health dept. The allegations involved are bogus and contradictory, so I am hoping that inter-agancy, they will see this as harassment. I will never have access to the name, but the agency's will.  At this point, there is no public disclosure, so I have no way to defend myself. The children know the truth of the situation, as does Paul, his girlfriend and his family. They are not neglected, living in filth, nor going hungry while I live high on the hog. I don't do drugs, and drink on occasion, when they are at their dads. Nothing illegal in that. They are well dressed, and well behaved kids. That is the main point, they are KIDS.  

Starting the New year dealing with this situation is going to be interesting. I will say this, the person, or persons who have sunk this low to hurt me,  have only hurt my children, and that is not a good thing to do in my book. Karma will come back on you. 

The positive out of this, is my place is now MINE again, and Paul's things are almost gone. There are still a few here he needs to get, but that is being taken care of by the end of the week.

To the people I love, and who have been here for me. 

Rick, you have been my rock and my inspiration this year and I know you will continue to be. 

To the ones who want to hurt me? Well, you can kiss my ass. Bring it on. You have fucked with the wrong mom. Nuff said. 

Happy New year everyone, and may this one be better than the last one.