Subjective Memories

I've been thinking about this one for awhile...actually since a very dear friend of mine passed away last June. John was my best friend, my confidant, and the one I called on for every aspect of my life, and no matter where he was, he always walked me through it.  I have very few pictures of him, and those only from about 30 years ago. We always stayed in contact after he left this area, when he passed, he was on scholarship from Tulane University in Uganda. Anyway...this post is not about John. 

I had another friend of mine, a long time ago ask me why I used a 35mm camera. I didn't believe in digital. I felt that they were to fragile. As if getting caught in the rain or pushing the wrong button could erase your memories. This friend of mine thought there was something inherently wrong with taking pictures. Memory, he would say is "magical for it's subjectivity."  Photographs were crude and the direct result of a desire to control, to hold onto moments that should be released like each breath that we take. Maybe he was right. Maybe he was wrong. We're not friends anymore and I have no pictures of him. 

The point is this. If you don't know my life or what has happened in my life, we could go back and put it together with photographs. My mother and father kept thousands of photos of us growing up. I have boxes and boxes of photos, of my life, still yet to be put in albums. Are these subjective memories. or reality? Bottom line is, I love photo's, I love the memory's and moments that, when looking at them bring that place and time, and person back to me. 

So this is to all my photographer friends. https://www.facebook.com/seattlemusicphotography?fref=ts  Scott McKinley, and Lani Linton, who have created some amazing memory's for me with their skills and expertise.  https://www.facebook.com/JaymzKPhotography/ , Bruce Campbell, and Joe Orsillo. (Sorry on links for these two) and Jeff Cook https://www.facebook.com/pages/LiveNLoud-Photography/116393811777297

and to all the amateur photographer's out there. Keep making memories. ~ Peace~ 

A beautiful mess

Alrighty then....

Another life change. Schooling starting back up full time, business full time, and of course, doing the mom thing. 

1st, we'll address the schooling. Short and sweet. I am attending on-line classes through the I.S.A (International School of Antiques) This is to get my appraisers license.  3 years of it... maybe not so short. Ha!  One year in London on apprenticeship. 

2nd, having recently decided to put both feet back in my business, instead of the one that has been there the past 2 years while I had my second childhood, I have now opened both my stores back up and I am up loading product daily. 

Caveat: The one thing I will tell any one new to my blog, that has not followed me, nor read my writings, I am usually all over the map. Business, personal, opinionated, and frankly, out there on occasion, but always a fun read, or so I am told. 

3rd....being a mom.............all this and heaven too. Yea, this is going to be one hell of a ride for the next 3 years, and not quite sure how it is all going to land, but there you have it. 

All this and more for the small price of your time, to shout out your opinion on how my life is going. You have to love it though. 

I am never one to sit back and mope about what someone may or may not think of me. I try my damnedest not to be hypocritical, however that does not always work, I'm human and have my failings too. 

That being said, bring it on ladies and gents. I've handled a lot in the last 2 years. I can go so far as to say I have handled a lot in the last 11...and I'm still standing. 

Love and peace. 
gypsy~  

Cross Roads

This is another tough one for me to write. 

11 years ago, I took on raising my granddaughter. Circumstances at the time do not matter as to why, but the bottom line is, I did. I was also pregnant with my 3rd and youngest son. One month prior to giving birth to him, my one year old grandchild, Alexis Michelle Surdyk Winne was placed into our home. 

I was married at the time, and had a 6 year old son, and 3 year old son. Now I was looking at taking on a one year old and having a new born. One month later I had Gabriel. One week later, I was diagnosed with a rare illness and they gave me one year to live. 

My children were growing up knowing I was sick and one day this illness would take me. So we made the best of it. They grew up basically happy in a suburban home, with summer trips and happy holidays and always surrounded by family. Grandparents and cousins and Aunts and Uncles. 

2 years ago my husband left me for another woman. The children were devastated. I was devastated for them, and kept hoping that things would work out, that he would come back. See, he, and they did not know about the other woman. I did. I kept it to myself. I thought if he choose to, I would let him back. What took place was, he involved the children in the affair, and I "learned" of it from them. (Even though I had given him plenty of opportunity to tell me)  This is not about him though. 

At the time of his leaving, my kids were 9, 10, 11, and 15. I fought to keep my kids in their home for two year's. I lost. I fought to keep my children together, and lost that one too. My oldest, is a senior in high school at MPHS in Marysville, which is where we were living at the time. I had to take a cut in income and then had to make the decision to move south to a lower rental area. I searched for 8 months for a home that would fit our needs and what I could afford in the Marysville area and could not find one, so I made the decision to have my son commute. He stays with friends during the week and see's me on weekends. If his schedule allows. That one hurt. I miss him terribly. 

Now, once again I have come to another crossroads. Yesterday, my finances took another hit. My Ex was well aware this was going to happen, and has used it to validate why he left me and why I should not have my children. (One day, I will write and post, all he has said about his leaving a seemingly happy marriage and everything that took place between him and I since then) Not this time. Bottom line, is he knew this was going to happen, and laughs about it. Not caring about the children or the impact this is going to have on them, once again.

 I will say this, The courts, with my ex's awareness, has taken credit, (being the obligatory parent) for the state, (tax payers) paying for Alexis's care, and now all that money, 31,000.00 will be paid back by him, and not go to my other two children that will stay here. In other words, they take it all. Even the amount that my two boys are entitled to get under the child support laws. 

My granddaughter is 12 now. He and my 17 year old took the split the hardest. I have always taught my children that life is not always fair, and we deal with it the best we can. My oldest has. Now it is her turn. Because of what took place, and most of it legal stuff, in a nutshell, she will be going back to her mother. I am removing the dependency action that permanently placed her with us.  Within a month, before the 1st of the year she will be placed with her mother in Bellingham. On the one hand this is good for her, but on the other, it is ripping her out of the family she has been raised with. Needless to say. I am pissed, hurt, and over all bowled over by the system, my ex. and the disregard for this childs well being. I know her mother is in a better position to have her, but I don't know that this is the right choice. I don't have the answers, but I do know, that it should not be taking place as quick as it is, because of an uncaring parent. 

I can only thank god that my daughter has changed her life enough for Alexis to return to her. 

Also due to all this taking place, the new place I am in, I will have to leave. I can no longer afford it, and so I will be making a move also. 

Indulgence

I want

             your legs

                     draped over my shoulders

              your voice. 

breath filled and coy;

                             your hands
                                  
                                   pulling me in closer.

your body
            
                writhing with joy; 

My face, 
    
      buried deep between your thighs;
   
                  holding me in place. 


my nose
    
       filled with your sweet scent, 

                                    my tongue, 

                                              dancing with your taste............

Meltdown

Anyone remember my meltdown blog?  You know the one, where the "mother" of one of my son's friends dropped her children off in my yard, like it was a public park, after not contacting me for a year, WHEN I was not home? 

Remember how I slammed my jeep into reverse, burned rubber into the neighbors yard, jumped out went off on her? Manners, common sense, courtesy,  stepping on people's toes, dis-respect......ect..... how I thought she was a pathetic excuse for a mom? 

The one where my son is hanging out the bedroom window asking me if I want my gun's....(and laughing) but oh, it was not funny at the time. 

OK, well, here we go again, this is not about a mother, but about people period. I have just about reached my limit with all the deceit, backstabbing, lies, and BS, that is being flung my way. OH, and lets not forget the "politically correct" manipulation that is happening. 

This is just an fyi, for those of you who watched me flip on my last meltdown, this one? Yea.....The one that's coming on, that will probably start with the school board tomorrow, continue on to ....let's say the people who are no longer in my life but want to continue to talk trash and throw stuff my way on occasion. Then.... how about the so called professional one's that are oh so not professional, and how about the one's who have messed with my friends? Yea, them too. I am just done. Done being nice, done being giving, sweet, gracious, blah, de, blah blah, blah. Done. Get it people?? 

Just a warning. I have never been a mean person, and truly, I hate having to say or do anything. People should just know better.  I have had my meltdown in the past, and that one? That was nothing compared to what I got stocked up now. 

Really going to need my tiara for this one, and the diamond knuckles. 

clarity

Her mind wanders to a time when she was a young girl; seeing her parents love surround everyone around them. Never a judgement, never critical. Always providing what was a basic need in every human life. Love. Unconditional.

Growing up middle class, a father who worked at 5am, and was home by 5pm. Dinner always on the table by her mother. Not demanded, not expected, done out of love, integrity and cherishing what was right in her world. A concious choice. Both parents supporting the other in everything they did, whether it was raising the children, working, or following thier dreams.

Did she know if her parents had dreams? Her mother was an opera singer at one time in her life, she was in the waves, and once having met her father, came the sacrifice of giving up what she wanted for what they choose to do. Be together, have a family, and do for that family what most in todays society do not respect or cherish.

There was always give and take, never one sided. Her father did everything for her mother and his children, and her mother did everything for her father. Mature enough to realize that the choice they made was for life. Vows were taken seriously, no matter where the road lead them. There were not terms like drama, or self gratification. They valued what they had, in each other and in thier children. What god threw at them was life, and they lived it to the fullest.

Her mother sang in the local choir's, at the civic center's and in the different churches they attened over the years. Never did she hear her say, she wished she had followed a different path. Never was there a regret, at least none that was shown or taught to her young family that she may have wanted things differently. She was blessed and happy with her life.

At one point in time, she heard her father mention he had always wanted a motorcycle. He did not say it with regret in his voice, it was just a statement to him, because he knew on a level that most do not understand that the choices he had made, had taken him down a road where everything that was done in his life was done for the people around him, not for himself.

Both finding happiness in how they lived. Loving what they choose, what was given them; unconditionally.

That young girl is now an older woman, a truth seeker, a woman with confidence and living her life the way her parents did. Giving love freely, with trust and integrity, no matter the sacrifices she has made herself. Living wih no regrets. Giving back what was given to her. Blessed with people who are like minded and give love the same way it was given to her. Happy with other peoples happiness, despite what her own trials and tribulations may be.

She knows she does not have much time here in her earthly body, and chooses to give what god gave to her. Knowledge to pass on to her own young family, to accept people for who they are, what their needs and dreams are, no matter whether she may think thier choices are right or wrong. It is not for her to decide, but to support, and sacrifice what she can to make them happy, in turn making herself happy.

This is what life is meant to be. Gracious and good, giving and living, to the best of her ability and passing that on to those who surround her. Loving un-conditionaly,

Clarity.

Her Touch

Her touch is like angel wings, drifting softly across his body. Goose bumps arise on his bare skin, and he feels it to his very core. Like an ocean breeze on a warm summer day, it's felt in every part of him.

His biceps to his wrists, then slowely down his back to his buttocks. He's never felt the way she makes him feel when her hands travel the entire length of him. Touching his heart like no other. The lightest of nails, slide down his torso, taking his breath away.  Sliding to his calves, down to his ankles. Her touch is a peice of heaven.

She relaxes him with a whisper, running her fingers through his long hair. Taking him to a place of peace, with no worry, nothing negative. If only she could touch him like this forever. Taking all the pain and heartache of his past away with just her hands. Making him the only one to have known the feel of her heart.

The depth of awareness, the expanded consciousness, the increased sensitivity, the awareness of limitation, the tenderness of love, the meaning of friendship, the appreciation of life, the joy of a passionate heart, it is her's to give to him~

"My love for you is a journey; Starting at forever, And ending at never."~ She touches him~