My daughter

I haven't written in a few months... I've been off in my own world, struggling with my own life. Again.... 

Alot of people believe I am stong, but the truth is, I'm not, I'm normal. Eveyone has trials and tribulations that they deal with on a daily basis, some more than other's, but we all have our own story. 

My story is wrapped up in my childrens storys. I spent the day with my daughter today. We went through some of her writing. She writes a lot like I do... from pain, exsperience, her own storys meshed with mine. 

She is my 1st born, my heart, although I don't believe she accepts that, nor believes it. We have always had a toxic relationship, due to circumstances and choices. She believes she is right, I believe I am, it does not matter, its all relative. 

She was not raised with me, she was raised with her father and grandfather and grandmother. He, her father, took her from me when she was 4. The reasons why, no longer matter, but he had her illegally. I choose not to fight for her for my own reasons. 

In the years she was with him, we had been at odds, there were things she would not tell me, things I did not know, but I knew. ya know? Since leaving him, having her 1st born, she has learned some. So have I. 

We all gain insight with life exsperience, there is empathy, but there is no turning back time. We go from here, there is no living in the past. There is no sense in it. We have both hit our bottoms in different ways, for diffeent reasons, but they all paralle. 

I raised her daughter, her 1st born. She turns 14 today, and has been back with her mother for 2 years now. I'm not there... once again, for my own reasons, that at this point are moot. She won't understand, and I won't go there for now. 

My daughter is a recovering addict. I am proud of her sobriety, and pray this continues. She had 12 years clean, and took a spill a few months ago. Somehow, by devine intervention, she ended up in a position where she had to get clean, and get clean quick. I won't divuldge her D.O.C (that is drug of choice) but she did get clean, and has stayed that way for the last 63 days. 

Her pain is my pain, she does not understand this, her storys are part mine. She's my heart, and the pain I have from not having had her with me her young life cuts me like she has cut herself. Sharp, slicing... I bleed with her. 

I love her. I'm proud of her, and she is not a victim, she is normal, she's beautiful, if only she could see that. She is my heart. 

6 weeks

I just spent the last 6 weeks with a man that I have known since 2011. I met him on the music scene. In fact I met him through the person I was dating at the time. 

I look at my life, and wonder at times what god really has in store for me. All the people, all my friends, even family, that all mix in, in this circle I have been in since I turned 14. 

The people he knows, the people I know, where he lives now,  where I am now. Irony. Life's Irony. My granddaughter Taytem, has grandparents on Mercer Island. Funny, Bobby, knows them, has known them for years. 

He lives in Lake Stevens, where I grew up. My stomping frounds, my daughter's old stomping grounds, her dads, my son's now, and now Bobby's. 

I browsed through our messages, clear back to 2011, and it's funny, I think he was always in my mind. He was respecful, sweet, kind and funny, and I think that there was an underlying attraction I was unwilling to admit due to circumstances. He was the one I would reach out too, when things were going sideways, and looking at his responses to me, I was the one he was reaching out to also. 

We had hung out on the music scene at different shows, when we were out together, me, him, other people. But When I would walk into a venue, I always seemed to gravitate to him. A quick hug, and hello, a picture, small talk. 

About 10 weeks ago, He messaged me, asked what I was up to, and did I want to go hang out. I was working, and getting sicker, so turned him down for that evening, but  said I would love to anytime I was not working. I tried really hard to keep him in the "Friend Zone" , but it didn't last long... 2 weeks tops, and everyhing went from there. 

We have been inseperable since 6 weeks ago. Tonight is the 1st time I have not been with him since we got together, and it's more than sexual attraction, although that is a plus. :) He makes me smile, and laugh, he's kind and caring and a good man. I have not had that for a long time. He makes me feel valued, he makes me feel loved, in away I have not been loved before. 

I don't know where this is going, but I know what I want. I think he does too. To be happy, and loved and have a companion that will be beside you no matter what. I think we got this.

We dance.....

Looking back on some of my blogs I touch a lot on fate, destiny or design. Living the life I do, I often question if I am where I am because of any of those, or one of them, or all of them. 

The last 4 years has been a whirlwind of change, moving, music, new friends, old friends. I find myself questioning everything. I have been off and on the music scene for the last 30 years. I feel like I know everyone, by being in the same place they were, or knowing the same people. 

4 years ago, My life went up-side down once again. I was single all of a sudden. On the social end, I was out, meeting people, going to shows, dancing and then dating. I met a musician through the man I was dating. I felt a click, however I was in a exclusive relationship. We'd see him, out and about, at different shows and private partys. I always thought he was a lovely man. Kind and sweet, a gentleman. 

In April of this year, I moved into a friends home, starting over again. This man, Bobby, and I started hanging out more and more. Not by intention, not at 1st. We just started to connect more at events and shows. 

At the begninning of May, I had him friend zoned. We laugh about this. Neither of us had the intentions of going where we are now, but we keep going there. He's southeren, and a gentleman, he makes me laugh, and he's good to me. we dance. We both were raised country. Same morals and values, and even the same political and religious views.  Right now I can't bare the thought of him going back to his plave without me, or vice versa, me being at my place without him. 

We have so much in common, it's surreal. We have talked about the people we have known through the years, and the places we have hung out and been at, most likely at the same time, and both of us wonder why we did not cross paths then, instead of now, but it is what it is. 

So, we see where this goes. 

Do you Remember?

Do you remember when we 1st met? Do you remember how we felt, how everything was brand new and bright... 

How we loved, and planned, and talked about what we wanted and didn't want. 

Do you remember the promises made, and how happy we were? All the places we went, all the people who knew us and loved us, as us.

I do.... I remember all of it. My dreams about us, the memorys in my mind have not faded. I wake up in the middle of the night, you are there... things we exsperienced together, places we went.

It seems like you have forgotten, like none of what we had, what we were meant anything to you. Pictures are put away, memorys are bured. Words left un-said.  Photographs, I come across, sparks a thought, a feeling. Do they for you? Will they one day when you are older, will you think of me? 

What we had, what we were... what we lost. 

Pain......

I can't escape the thoughts of him, he's always there... 

Consuming me, my heart locked in his hands; crushing...

Drawn to him, by forces I can't control, let alone escape. 

Addicted;  like a drug, numbing my senses... 

Sleepless nights, dreams of him in the shadows......

Elusive; gone now. Out of my grasp........pain shoots through me...

Day into night, night to day, it's all encompassing......dying

slicing, cut after cut, until I am dead. 

Feeling no more; thoughts scatter..... he is gone, yet still here. 

Pieces of memories....scattered and torn

Memories.......torn, scattered, across the floor of life......... shredded pieces of paper, pictures..... 

faces; fading with the years....shadows in my mind

Seems like yesterday, the importance and significance of people who I cared for... gone now... 

all of it meaning nothing, and something at the same time... but what.... 

Where did this take me, where am I going now.... what did it all mean. Pain so deep, the cut of a knife would be easier.... 

Another day, hour, minuet; slides by slowly, slicing in no particular direction. Crossing and re-crossing... until numbness sets in... 

No longer caring... how does that happen? How does one have a feeling, and then loose it... like it was meaningless.... 

torn and shattered..... bleeding, until you are bleed dry.... 

New roads....untraveled.... let the old ones go. 

Moment

Our life is a moment, a series of moments on a journey to the end.....

let them go, let them all go.....

our life is a series of moments, moments, all gathering, towards this one......

clinging to me, like home to me, I don't recognize this street...

don't close your eyes...

I know you care, I know it has always been there....

I see it in the way that you stare....

as if there were trouble ahead and you knew it...

two lovers locked out of love....

you were are just saving yourself when you hide it.....

I will be saving myself from the ruin...

I've never known winter so cold.....

but I still hope, why can't I dream.... because I still know that you care....

moments, life is just moments, all gathering towards this one...

not letting go, don't want to get past this, all these moments....

loving from the outside... moments....