Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Dark Side.................bittersweet

I jumped off line today, because I was feeling sick. Sinus flared up, throat sore, and coughing and headache.. a bit of dizziness. I have been attempting to sleep ever since..... dozed here and there, but no go. My thoughts are all over the place right now.

I know I came down with this again, because it was not really gone, but also because I have been cleaning the house for two days and the dust made it all flare up again. I started with my room, and removed all of Paul's things. There was not a lot left in here, and it was out of my way so it didn't really bug me, but I needed the whole room done, so I did. During this, I came across some things that enlightened me to just how wrong I was about my perception of my failed marriage. All along I kept thinking it was me. Women do that ya know, we tend to blame ourselves.

When he left 8 months ago, it was totally out of the blue. Broadsided me, and threw me for a loop. A lot of close friends saw what it did to me, and to our children. I was over the whole blaming myself issue, and then this. I am laying here wondering if the whole 14 years was a sham, a big lie..... and I am stunned all over again. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me, what did I do so horrible in my life, to anyone to have this happen???

Don't get me wrong, I am over him. BIG TIME, I am just NOT over the how and why of it. I have been told my whole life I am a truth seeker, a nun of 27 years said she had never met anyone like me who reflected as much as I did. Maybe this is not a good thing. I look at all these pictures and memories, and all the years we had, and think "WHO THE FUCK WERE YOU??" << THAT is a question to him, to me, to both of us, and I don't think I will get an answer from him. I am trying desperately to get an answer from myself, and not coming up with anything.

Was I really that naive and blind?? How does a person change who they are like that, so was he like that all along? WOW.....

So, looking at the rest of this home that I am trying to make for me and my children,  if that is god's plan, I think that I will have more days like this, dark and scary, and lonely, but I also know myself well enough to know that I can pull out of this. Maybe not right away..... some emotions are a bit overwhelming at the moment... the hurt and sadness of what happened, but I am looking to the happiness I found, and my new friends and new life that awaits to get me through this.

So in ending I will say this; Wisdom does not come in a dazzling flash, but slowly, the way a plot of earth is covered with creeping sprouts, until it is finally transformed into a brilliant emerald green rug. I am not defined by my name or by shameful experience, but instead by hopes and dreams, by aspirations, self respect and perseverance. I am not clay in another persons hands, I am a rock and by my own hands I will sculpt the woman I will become.
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