The Dark Side.................bittersweet

I jumped off line today, because I was feeling sick. Sinus flared up, throat sore, and coughing and headache.. a bit of dizziness. I have been attempting to sleep ever since..... dozed here and there, but no go. My thoughts are all over the place right now.

I know I came down with this again, because it was not really gone, but also because I have been cleaning the house for two days and the dust made it all flare up again. I started with my room, and removed all of Paul's things. There was not a lot left in here, and it was out of my way so it didn't really bug me, but I needed the whole room done, so I did. During this, I came across some things that enlightened me to just how wrong I was about my perception of my failed marriage. All along I kept thinking it was me. Women do that ya know, we tend to blame ourselves.

When he left 8 months ago, it was totally out of the blue. Broadsided me, and threw me for a loop. A lot of close friends saw what it did to me, and to our children. I was over the whole blaming myself issue, and then this. I am laying here wondering if the whole 14 years was a sham, a big lie..... and I am stunned all over again. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me, what did I do so horrible in my life, to anyone to have this happen???

Don't get me wrong, I am over him. BIG TIME, I am just NOT over the how and why of it. I have been told my whole life I am a truth seeker, a nun of 27 years said she had never met anyone like me who reflected as much as I did. Maybe this is not a good thing. I look at all these pictures and memories, and all the years we had, and think "WHO THE FUCK WERE YOU??" << THAT is a question to him, to me, to both of us, and I don't think I will get an answer from him. I am trying desperately to get an answer from myself, and not coming up with anything.

Was I really that naive and blind?? How does a person change who they are like that, so was he like that all along? WOW.....

So, looking at the rest of this home that I am trying to make for me and my children,  if that is god's plan, I think that I will have more days like this, dark and scary, and lonely, but I also know myself well enough to know that I can pull out of this. Maybe not right away..... some emotions are a bit overwhelming at the moment... the hurt and sadness of what happened, but I am looking to the happiness I found, and my new friends and new life that awaits to get me through this.

So in ending I will say this; Wisdom does not come in a dazzling flash, but slowly, the way a plot of earth is covered with creeping sprouts, until it is finally transformed into a brilliant emerald green rug. I am not defined by my name or by shameful experience, but instead by hopes and dreams, by aspirations, self respect and perseverance. I am not clay in another persons hands, I am a rock and by my own hands I will sculpt the woman I will become.

Life changing events

I just finished reading a blog about an event that change a friends life, and I am now following it for inspiration.

This is a story of my life changing event.

15 years ago on Nov, 11th 1997, I met the man of my dreams. 14 years ago, on the 8th of January, we made a life commitment to each other. 13 years ago, on the 1st of February, I married him. We had a fairytale romance, and a beautiful little boy by June of 1999.

We were living in a rental home in Everett, and my husband decided that he wanted to go to college in Arizona for his Harley Davidson accredited mechanics degree. So we moved into his parents to save the money. During the time we were living there, my son who was 3 at the time, and in pre-school, mentioned something to the school counselor that changed the course of my husbands dreams. By the time we made it through the courts with my sons father, and a separation forced on us after 8 months, my husband was allowed to move back in with me. Also during this time, our son, Jacob, ended up with a ecol i and we almost lost him. He was 7 months old at the time. We missed each other terribly. It was a difficult time, and we did the best we could to get through it.

From his parents home, we then moved to a trailer with my son and our son. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, and we had her on weekends. We lived in the trailer home for 3 years, and had a second son. A month prior to giving birth to my second son, Gabriel, We took my oldest daughter's daughter in at the age of one. I had Gabriel on Oct. 29th 2001, and then on the 11th of Nov. 2001, I was sick at my husbands birthday and so I was rushed into the doctor. It took them 8 months to figure out what was wrong with me. I had an auto immune disorder that absorbed internal organs. My spleen was missing and I was on oral Chemotherapy. I took care of 4 children now, all under the age of 5. A newborn, a one year old, a 3 year old and a 5 year old, and drove them back and forth to school and activities, while my husband worked a job he hated. He would come home and take over for me so I could rest. I was also on very strong pain medicine back then. One night my husband had gone up to the store for me and his daughter to buy ice cream, when he came home, he was dancing. I loved him so much right then. He came in the door, and had a huge grin on his face. He had bought, not only the ice cream, but a dollar scratch ticket and won 5000.00! One of his other dreams was to build his own Harley,he already had the frame, from taxes from 1999 and with the 5000.00 we got the engine and tranny. No one in his life had ever backed him with his dreams.

I never lost sight of my marriage or my vows to my soul mate. This was forever. Amen.

In May of 2003, I asked if we could move to a house, we were squished in the trailer, and things were hard all the way around. We made a move to a house that was built in 1910 and we loved it. It had room for the kids, and us, a yard, and a creek. It was wonderful. My husband had worked for a different fence company for awhile, and then went back to the original one that he worked at when we lived at the trailer. During all these years, we had family reunions, took trips to North Dakota every year and made beautiful memories.

Life moves on.... to life changing events, cont....