Gypsy....... .........alone....(revised)

A very short post on some current events in my life. My step daughter, who will always be a daughter to me, was married this weekend. All my children were in her wedding.

I didn't go. I could have.... she invited me, but I did not feel it was appropriate considering the circumstances. I spent Friday, the day of the rehearsal trying to keep my mind off it. I spent Saturday, in a very melancholy mood, and at one point, was in tears.

In many many ways it was a blessing to me when her father left me 8 months ago, but this was one of the events in her life that I will miss, and because of that, I'm alone. Alone in having someone to share that with, alone in dealing with the pain. This is part of my past now, and moving past it has been fairly easy, except for this one. This one hurt.

It also made me realize that although I have people in my life who love and care for me, it will always be just me, taking care of me. No one else can.

Through out my life, no matter what has taken place, what paths I choose, what people were in it..... It's always been me. I'm the one who has picked up the pieces and moved on. I'm the one doing it this time.

The people who have trampled on me, taken me for granted, and ripped me up, are no longer a part of my life. The ones who do it now, will also be out of my life. It only takes once with me. Don't fuck it up. You are the one who have to answer to god for what was done. I don't judge people, it's not my place, I can sleep at night..... can they?

Trust is earned, and I am having a hard time trusting anyone at the moment. Do me a favor... don't make promises you can't keep, don't say things you don't mean, and don't make plans without letting me know what they are when they are plans that affect my life. Keep it simple. It's called integrity.

http://youtu.be/OYjZK_6i37M

Gypsy.......... early memories of summer times

Yesterday I spent the day with my youngest son, Gabriel. He's my baby. (9 years old ) but I didn't think I could have another one, so he was my surprise. We spent the day doing yard work. I love my home and yard. I have spent the last few weeks working on the inside of my home, and decided I needed to be outside.

My grass had gotten to the point where I felt like dragging the 9 motors out of the garage and hanging them in the tress! Good lord this place has gotten bad! Slowly though, I am making it mine again.




When I was a child, I loved being outdoors. My dad had 5 acres at the time in Lk.Stevens, our home was on a dead end road, and we were always in the woods. We always had chores to. Every August, dad would start preparing for winter. He'd fall the big cedars on the property, the ones that he knew would come down in a good strong storm. We used to help him. Our job was filling the wood shed after dad would fall the tree and cut it up. We were taught how to use all the tools! I loved this. Dad was so good about making sure we knew how to take care of ourselves.

One summer, he was cutting wood, and this was back when the chainsaws had no guards on them. He had put the saw down and it was on idle. He told us kids not to go near it, to pick up the rounds over by the tree. Well..... I was all of 6, I remember that, and you KNOW how 6 year old's are. Looky, rounds by the chain saw. Hmm.. they need picking up to. So off I go to do this, and I trip on the blackberry vines. The fall was in slow motion to me. I can remember on the way down, with my hands out to catch my fall, thinking, blackberry stickers... chainsaw.... blackberry stickers... chainsaw.. well, by the time I had decided the stickers, it was to late, so I hit the chainsaw. Yessss... on the blade. Silly me. Nice little puncture that required a trip to the emergency room, 2 stitches and a trip to Baskin and Robbins. *grin* Now, I have a nice little "race car" scar in the middle of my left palm. This was also back when the stitches were done with black thread, not that disappearing stuff like they have now. So the line from the cut has a line across at both ends, and my skin is puffed where the thread was knotted, so it looks like a race car. I show my boys all the time. Especially when they play with the machete and other knives around here.

Yesterday was a blast. Gabriel was a huge help, except for me taking the sledge hammer from him, and having to keep an eye on him with the machete. I did not look when I set the chain saw down and he was hauling the rounds for me. Just because I figured if I did, or said, "don't" go over there, history would repeat itself.

My lawn mowers are broken, so I weed whacked the whole yard. By the time I got the two stroke and gas mix, and bar oil, it was hitting 630pm and I wanted to finish off the rounds of apple wood I had sitting here from last year. It was a great day, and very satisfying!

So my boy is learing how to be a man, and he loves it. Today we haul rocks out from behind the overgrown blackberry bushes, and finish off my pond.

Gypsy.........summer's after high school

Back to summer. My favorite time of year. The summer after high school, I was on the move. I had dated a guy that was in college, during the last 6 months of my senior year, nice, clean cut, had a job.....AND, he asked me to marry him, and I bolted.

Well, I didn't bolt Per-Se, but the running joke now is I was traded in a car deal to my daughters dad. I took one look at Mike, and thought oh shit! I am in trouble. Proverbial bad boy, with a sensitive side. Why me god? Ha! Mechanic, drummer, (another circle happening here, a blog for later) *grin* Now Mike never did anything with his music, and he could have, but he did pursue his master's mechanics degree.

We lived in a house on Wetmore, in Everett, and I was working at Panama's. This was back when you could sign the blue slip that makes you responsible for being in a bar. Mike was doing some stuff he shouldn't have, and ME, clueless blond chic from sheltered home, opens the door to the police when they showed up looking for him and sweetly says, "Oh, yea, he's here"..*sweeps hand towards garage in the back of the house*..... Silly me. So court ensues, and Mikes parents come up from Ocean shores, and the judge releases Mike on his own recognizance into his parent's custody, so off we go to Grays Harbor.

What times I had down there, some good, A lot not so good, most just wild and crazy. One incident was over a 2000.00 corvette motor that Mike and I had, and BAM, Hoquiam and Aberdeen, and Montesano Police forces, all in our face with guns drawn, and me pregnant with my daughter, and I was done pretty much. Wild life fun, but a bit too much for me. A little ditty in the local paper about a LK. Stevens woman.. < Me, and back to daddy I went. Time to grow up. Me, not him, he's still out there having fun. Love him to death, but most the time, want to choke the hell out of him. *laughs* These days, he's called Grandpa Twitchy, and is also referred to as my never was in-law out-law.
It's all good. More later~

You don't have to Cry, by CSN

http://youtu.be/1awtlA6Nr64

Gypsy... more of me

I'm going to jump back here to a few of my high school years and my brother Randy. The reason for this is I got to see him last night for the 1st time since last summer, or close to, as far as a visit goes, so more memories popped up, and well, I can do that. It's my blog. SO MANY CIRCLES IN MY LIFE!

So... let's see, I think maybe my sophomore year or junior, not real sure of the time frame. Memories tend to blur as we get older, but their still good ones. As I said, Randy and I were close, and, yea... I guess it had to be my junior year since Randy was 2 years younger than me. I was on the drill team, and flag core. Our drill team captain was a dear friend of mine Kristie, who is still a dear friend. Man was she good with choreography. Plus I had joined the powder puff football team. <<< We had a tradition in Lake Stevens, the junior girls always played the senior girls, and the seniors always won. (not this time, but that is for later) Anywayyyyy... so back to me and Randy.

By my junior year I was getting pretty wild. I still kept my grades up, except for general studies..... kinda let those go by the wayside and always slid by when it came to passing. My good grades were from my arts programs that I had 5 classes a day in. Most of the time though I was busy socializing and having fun. This is also when I threw the towel in for good on staying away from anything I should have. Yea,... I was partying, to say the least, and of course Randy was right there with me.

We always played frizzbie on the commons between the classrooms and the office. Randy, me, Dena, Nicci, Janie, and a whole bunch of others. Invariably we were constantly late to class. (I'm wondering if I should change names here to protect the NOT so innocent... ) nah, my memories, my right. OK, so ya, back to school. Let me state this before ya'll get in a tizzy here. We weren't always causing trouble, or getting into mischief, we were basically good kids, having a bit of fun. I know we started skipping classes every once in awhile, and usually around spring breaks or towards the end of the school year.

So... places, morrows meadows, Lk road, the bridges, 7th heaven... << these were our party spots. For some reason, even though Randy and I didn't have a car, we always found someone with one, and always a fast one. Hot rods! << Remembering D.J's mustang, (another story) but, yea, muscle cars were in, and most of the people Randy and I hung out with were seniors, or already out of school, so we always had rides to the party spots.

My Senior year, my girlfriends dad who owned studio 59 in Everett, sold it, and bought Buzzy's on Broadway and made it a all ages club. At the time he was in competition with Cheetah's in Marysville, ( another circle in my life, and will write about that later) but, opening night, was a school night and I had promised mom and dad that if Randy could go, I would have him home by midnight. (I didn't) as you can guess.. *snicker* but managed to slide by getting into to much trouble over that one.

So, by this time I was running with my daughter's father, and I was in Everett at his house he shared with 5 other people. He was drinking and I decided I was going to drop acid. <<< OMG... yes, I said that, and did it. (a few times) ANYWHOOO... so I had had Buzz's daughter's boyfriend at the time, pick Randy up, and I met them down at the club. By the time I got there, I was peaking, and Buzz's smoke machine went on the blitz, and the club filled up. WOW.. I of course lost Randy. I think I only saw him once. By the time I had hitched a ride home with Dan, another friend of mine, I knew I was in deep doo doo. Ahyup... Mom and dad were up. Shit! I walk in, and go up stairs to my room.. or try to.. *peaks* in living room, sorta waves to mom and dad, and starts to open room door. DAD, "where's your brother?"... sigh.. so I said he has a ride home and will be here. DAD, "he was suppose to be with you".. Dang.. umm.. yup, well see here's the thing dad... Buzz had trouble with the smoke machine, and I kinda sorta lost Randy and got a ride home with someone else...

Yea, that was quite an evening. Randy finally made it home, and not sure what he had done, but he was under the influence to. The dummy comes in and SITS with mom and dad, and I had to go get him out of the living room and send him to bed before he got us totally busted.

Man, those were some times... more to come, that's it for now.

The Dark Side.................bittersweet

I jumped off line today, because I was feeling sick. Sinus flared up, throat sore, and coughing and headache.. a bit of dizziness. I have been attempting to sleep ever since..... dozed here and there, but no go. My thoughts are all over the place right now.

I know I came down with this again, because it was not really gone, but also because I have been cleaning the house for two days and the dust made it all flare up again. I started with my room, and removed all of Paul's things. There was not a lot left in here, and it was out of my way so it didn't really bug me, but I needed the whole room done, so I did. During this, I came across some things that enlightened me to just how wrong I was about my perception of my failed marriage. All along I kept thinking it was me. Women do that ya know, we tend to blame ourselves.

When he left 8 months ago, it was totally out of the blue. Broadsided me, and threw me for a loop. A lot of close friends saw what it did to me, and to our children. I was over the whole blaming myself issue, and then this. I am laying here wondering if the whole 14 years was a sham, a big lie..... and I am stunned all over again. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me, what did I do so horrible in my life, to anyone to have this happen???

Don't get me wrong, I am over him. BIG TIME, I am just NOT over the how and why of it. I have been told my whole life I am a truth seeker, a nun of 27 years said she had never met anyone like me who reflected as much as I did. Maybe this is not a good thing. I look at all these pictures and memories, and all the years we had, and think "WHO THE FUCK WERE YOU??" << THAT is a question to him, to me, to both of us, and I don't think I will get an answer from him. I am trying desperately to get an answer from myself, and not coming up with anything.

Was I really that naive and blind?? How does a person change who they are like that, so was he like that all along? WOW.....

So, looking at the rest of this home that I am trying to make for me and my children,  if that is god's plan, I think that I will have more days like this, dark and scary, and lonely, but I also know myself well enough to know that I can pull out of this. Maybe not right away..... some emotions are a bit overwhelming at the moment... the hurt and sadness of what happened, but I am looking to the happiness I found, and my new friends and new life that awaits to get me through this.

So in ending I will say this; Wisdom does not come in a dazzling flash, but slowly, the way a plot of earth is covered with creeping sprouts, until it is finally transformed into a brilliant emerald green rug. I am not defined by my name or by shameful experience, but instead by hopes and dreams, by aspirations, self respect and perseverance. I am not clay in another persons hands, I am a rock and by my own hands I will sculpt the woman I will become.

New Beginning's........OMG... the dog.

Alrighty then, this is it folks. Time for a new start and a re-defining of life as I knew it.

As some of you know, my husband and I separated in November of 2010. This separation actually started in Jan of 06, but I was apparently oblivious to what was happening. Oh, I saw some signs of things happening, but what, was not definable. He actually told me on September 29th of 2010, after a camping trip we took. Then continued to stay here. The day after Thanksgiving he said he was moving home to his mothers.

So, I had started a blog awhile back on inspiration, and decided I didn't need it. There were to many in-consistency in what was being said and what actions were taking place for me to think that we may have had a second chance at anything. No regrets here by the way. We had something, and now we don't. Time to move on.

This is where things get a little hinky, but it is what it is. I won't go into the details, because I refuse to degrade what my husbands choices are at this point, but for me, I am done, whether he thought he was or not.

Enough is enough. My priority's have always been the same. Kids 1st, then family, and ect... Now it is Kids, Job, and someday, one day, who knows when, a man that knows how to be honest and real, no games, and will accept me for me. Strong, independent and at times opinionated, but loyal and honest. Take it or leave it. Not marriage, at least that is not on my mind now.... and won't be until the kids are grown and gone, but I will have a man. Period.

So, no more inspiration blog, and going over memory's of my life as it was, it is from today forward. Anyone who knows me, truly knows me, knows I don't go back, I move on. I have always been that way.

So Chin up, boobies out, (as Oshun says) and on with life! We only have one, and my husband is correct in saying that.

This is my family. I love them.
Signing off for now~ Loving life!