One Year ago today

So one year ago today, my life turned up-side down. I have to say it's been one hell of a ride. Literally.

I was married to Paul for 14 years. We have 2 boys together and we raised my granddaughter also. I considered my life to be normal. House, mortgage, jobs, bills, kids... ect. Pretty much the "white picket fence" life. Suburban. Mundane, boring.

Society has a pre-concieved notion of what marriage is. I know I did. I believed in my vows. For better or worse, but what do you do when the other person no-longer believes that way? You roll with it, like I did. I can't say it's been easy, but it was not hard either. I changed how I looked at things. I had too.

Today, I am in a better place than I was a year ago. I've healed. What I went through made me who I am now. I am enjoying my life. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, but that's life. My kids are better. We are moving on, growing and changing and having fun while we do it.

I have a man in my life that completes me. I love the freedom of loving him without expectation. I love that we are individuals, who can be apart and confident enough in each other to pursue what we want in life and still come together and be happy. Life is good today.

I'll leave you with this. A friend of mine wrote this and it is perfect for where I am at.

Life is so full of mystery, and it is so unpredictable, but what a wonderful thing it could be if it stands the test of time.

So few hearts find the courage to hold off the darkness of the unknown, and then get lost along the way. Make sure you stay on the path.

We all search.. sometimes it seems to the ends of the earth, but the nightmares of the past weigh so heavy and harden the soul, it shoves our chances of happiness to the side, prolonging our freedom from the chains that bind so tightly.

Forgive the demons that burden your heart with suspicion and pain, grasp what has been laid before you. Hold tightly for when you have lost it, it will be gone, many times forever.

So feel the warmth that you have so longed for, the tenderness of an embrace that comes from deep within, unleash the beast that has bound your soul, fill your eyes and heart with the happiness that that all the yesterdays took away, then realize and know the magic that you only dream of, and let it become your reality.

Thank you to Frank James (Rage on Stage) For sharing your musings with me.

Gypsy....... .........alone....(revised)

A very short post on some current events in my life. My step daughter, who will always be a daughter to me, was married this weekend. All my children were in her wedding.

I didn't go. I could have.... she invited me, but I did not feel it was appropriate considering the circumstances. I spent Friday, the day of the rehearsal trying to keep my mind off it. I spent Saturday, in a very melancholy mood, and at one point, was in tears.

In many many ways it was a blessing to me when her father left me 8 months ago, but this was one of the events in her life that I will miss, and because of that, I'm alone. Alone in having someone to share that with, alone in dealing with the pain. This is part of my past now, and moving past it has been fairly easy, except for this one. This one hurt.

It also made me realize that although I have people in my life who love and care for me, it will always be just me, taking care of me. No one else can.

Through out my life, no matter what has taken place, what paths I choose, what people were in it..... It's always been me. I'm the one who has picked up the pieces and moved on. I'm the one doing it this time.

The people who have trampled on me, taken me for granted, and ripped me up, are no longer a part of my life. The ones who do it now, will also be out of my life. It only takes once with me. Don't fuck it up. You are the one who have to answer to god for what was done. I don't judge people, it's not my place, I can sleep at night..... can they?

Trust is earned, and I am having a hard time trusting anyone at the moment. Do me a favor... don't make promises you can't keep, don't say things you don't mean, and don't make plans without letting me know what they are when they are plans that affect my life. Keep it simple. It's called integrity.

http://youtu.be/OYjZK_6i37M

Gypsy.........summer's after high school

Back to summer. My favorite time of year. The summer after high school, I was on the move. I had dated a guy that was in college, during the last 6 months of my senior year, nice, clean cut, had a job.....AND, he asked me to marry him, and I bolted.

Well, I didn't bolt Per-Se, but the running joke now is I was traded in a car deal to my daughters dad. I took one look at Mike, and thought oh shit! I am in trouble. Proverbial bad boy, with a sensitive side. Why me god? Ha! Mechanic, drummer, (another circle happening here, a blog for later) *grin* Now Mike never did anything with his music, and he could have, but he did pursue his master's mechanics degree.

We lived in a house on Wetmore, in Everett, and I was working at Panama's. This was back when you could sign the blue slip that makes you responsible for being in a bar. Mike was doing some stuff he shouldn't have, and ME, clueless blond chic from sheltered home, opens the door to the police when they showed up looking for him and sweetly says, "Oh, yea, he's here"..*sweeps hand towards garage in the back of the house*..... Silly me. So court ensues, and Mikes parents come up from Ocean shores, and the judge releases Mike on his own recognizance into his parent's custody, so off we go to Grays Harbor.

What times I had down there, some good, A lot not so good, most just wild and crazy. One incident was over a 2000.00 corvette motor that Mike and I had, and BAM, Hoquiam and Aberdeen, and Montesano Police forces, all in our face with guns drawn, and me pregnant with my daughter, and I was done pretty much. Wild life fun, but a bit too much for me. A little ditty in the local paper about a LK. Stevens woman.. < Me, and back to daddy I went. Time to grow up. Me, not him, he's still out there having fun. Love him to death, but most the time, want to choke the hell out of him. *laughs* These days, he's called Grandpa Twitchy, and is also referred to as my never was in-law out-law.
It's all good. More later~

You don't have to Cry, by CSN

http://youtu.be/1awtlA6Nr64

Gypsy... more of me

I'm going to jump back here to a few of my high school years and my brother Randy. The reason for this is I got to see him last night for the 1st time since last summer, or close to, as far as a visit goes, so more memories popped up, and well, I can do that. It's my blog. SO MANY CIRCLES IN MY LIFE!

So... let's see, I think maybe my sophomore year or junior, not real sure of the time frame. Memories tend to blur as we get older, but their still good ones. As I said, Randy and I were close, and, yea... I guess it had to be my junior year since Randy was 2 years younger than me. I was on the drill team, and flag core. Our drill team captain was a dear friend of mine Kristie, who is still a dear friend. Man was she good with choreography. Plus I had joined the powder puff football team. <<< We had a tradition in Lake Stevens, the junior girls always played the senior girls, and the seniors always won. (not this time, but that is for later) Anywayyyyy... so back to me and Randy.

By my junior year I was getting pretty wild. I still kept my grades up, except for general studies..... kinda let those go by the wayside and always slid by when it came to passing. My good grades were from my arts programs that I had 5 classes a day in. Most of the time though I was busy socializing and having fun. This is also when I threw the towel in for good on staying away from anything I should have. Yea,... I was partying, to say the least, and of course Randy was right there with me.

We always played frizzbie on the commons between the classrooms and the office. Randy, me, Dena, Nicci, Janie, and a whole bunch of others. Invariably we were constantly late to class. (I'm wondering if I should change names here to protect the NOT so innocent... ) nah, my memories, my right. OK, so ya, back to school. Let me state this before ya'll get in a tizzy here. We weren't always causing trouble, or getting into mischief, we were basically good kids, having a bit of fun. I know we started skipping classes every once in awhile, and usually around spring breaks or towards the end of the school year.

So... places, morrows meadows, Lk road, the bridges, 7th heaven... << these were our party spots. For some reason, even though Randy and I didn't have a car, we always found someone with one, and always a fast one. Hot rods! << Remembering D.J's mustang, (another story) but, yea, muscle cars were in, and most of the people Randy and I hung out with were seniors, or already out of school, so we always had rides to the party spots.

My Senior year, my girlfriends dad who owned studio 59 in Everett, sold it, and bought Buzzy's on Broadway and made it a all ages club. At the time he was in competition with Cheetah's in Marysville, ( another circle in my life, and will write about that later) but, opening night, was a school night and I had promised mom and dad that if Randy could go, I would have him home by midnight. (I didn't) as you can guess.. *snicker* but managed to slide by getting into to much trouble over that one.

So, by this time I was running with my daughter's father, and I was in Everett at his house he shared with 5 other people. He was drinking and I decided I was going to drop acid. <<< OMG... yes, I said that, and did it. (a few times) ANYWHOOO... so I had had Buzz's daughter's boyfriend at the time, pick Randy up, and I met them down at the club. By the time I got there, I was peaking, and Buzz's smoke machine went on the blitz, and the club filled up. WOW.. I of course lost Randy. I think I only saw him once. By the time I had hitched a ride home with Dan, another friend of mine, I knew I was in deep doo doo. Ahyup... Mom and dad were up. Shit! I walk in, and go up stairs to my room.. or try to.. *peaks* in living room, sorta waves to mom and dad, and starts to open room door. DAD, "where's your brother?"... sigh.. so I said he has a ride home and will be here. DAD, "he was suppose to be with you".. Dang.. umm.. yup, well see here's the thing dad... Buzz had trouble with the smoke machine, and I kinda sorta lost Randy and got a ride home with someone else...

Yea, that was quite an evening. Randy finally made it home, and not sure what he had done, but he was under the influence to. The dummy comes in and SITS with mom and dad, and I had to go get him out of the living room and send him to bed before he got us totally busted.

Man, those were some times... more to come, that's it for now.

New Beginning's........OMG... the dog.

Alrighty then, this is it folks. Time for a new start and a re-defining of life as I knew it.

As some of you know, my husband and I separated in November of 2010. This separation actually started in Jan of 06, but I was apparently oblivious to what was happening. Oh, I saw some signs of things happening, but what, was not definable. He actually told me on September 29th of 2010, after a camping trip we took. Then continued to stay here. The day after Thanksgiving he said he was moving home to his mothers.

So, I had started a blog awhile back on inspiration, and decided I didn't need it. There were to many in-consistency in what was being said and what actions were taking place for me to think that we may have had a second chance at anything. No regrets here by the way. We had something, and now we don't. Time to move on.

This is where things get a little hinky, but it is what it is. I won't go into the details, because I refuse to degrade what my husbands choices are at this point, but for me, I am done, whether he thought he was or not.

Enough is enough. My priority's have always been the same. Kids 1st, then family, and ect... Now it is Kids, Job, and someday, one day, who knows when, a man that knows how to be honest and real, no games, and will accept me for me. Strong, independent and at times opinionated, but loyal and honest. Take it or leave it. Not marriage, at least that is not on my mind now.... and won't be until the kids are grown and gone, but I will have a man. Period.

So, no more inspiration blog, and going over memory's of my life as it was, it is from today forward. Anyone who knows me, truly knows me, knows I don't go back, I move on. I have always been that way.

So Chin up, boobies out, (as Oshun says) and on with life! We only have one, and my husband is correct in saying that.

This is my family. I love them.
Signing off for now~ Loving life!