I'm going to start this with a little caveat here. This in no way will change the core of who I am.
With that being said, I had quite an epiphany yesterday.
As most of you know, since the split with my husband, I have done some re-defining of my priority's and goals. However, those are being slowly de-railed due to me putting my self last. Of course we know my kids are 1st, but with 4 of them, in different schools, activities, and going in different directions, no help and dealing with a house that has been slowly falling apart, dealing with things left behind, clean up, and purging, plus trying to get in me time, things are getting out of hand.
My health is now becoming a major issue in the derailment of what I want, so I need to stop. Just stop, and focus again. This has not been by any means on purpose or easy to do what with all that I still have left to deal with here on the home front, but after realizing that I am now in a size 24" jeans, Its time for me, or I won't make it, and I have to make it for my kids, because there is no one else.
A lot of my close friends are aware of my illness, and I have always been pretty private about it, but here's the thing, when it has come to the point where it is affecting what I want, who I want, and where I want to be in life, it's time for help, and asking for help, and TRUST ME, I HATE asking for anything. I have always done things on my own. Even in my past relationships, I was the one who made things happen, got things done, or just moved on because it was not where I needed to be.
So beginning on Monday, I am making calls to my doctor whom I have not seen since November. I will be calling in favors for help with the schedule and kids. (which is another hard thing for me to do) but nuff said. There you go..... me time.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
So interesting story here; Since Paul had moved out, just about everything that could go wrong at the house, did. Oh lets see, electrical shorts, stove breaking, home invasion, (which entailed a new back door) all "his" stuff piled in back yard, and runs to dump to get rid of junk that was left behind.. ect.. been on the constant move here in the last 6 months.
I have doctor appointments and referrals put on hold, classes and schooling, just to keep up with the kids schedules. During all this time, I have also on the weekends that he had the children, gone out with my girlfriends and had fun. I had no intentions of meeting anyone or dating for that matter. To much to do, and with the way things were handled, I figured the kids needed at least one solid force in their life. Me.
So about a month ago, my daughter was up, and we did go out when the kids were home. Mostly cause Papa and other family was always around and I hadn't seen her in about 2 years. Since she left, I had decided to file for divorce. I know I lost Paul along time ago, and was at a turning point in re-defining what I wanted.
Let me back track a sec.. I have a group of people that I do hang with, and we all have a good time, and sorta look out for each other. Another good friend was talking to me about the electrical in my home, and we were trying to schedule when that could happen. In the meantime, I had hooked in with some old friends from the 80s on facebook, and have a bunch of musician friends I have re-connected with. Well one of them, I had added, and he messaged me about a week ago about my Harley shots. Asked if I ride. I do, but the bike is no-longer here, it was Paul's dream, and although we bought it together, I gave it to him when he left.
Now to the un expected. The electrical. The man who emailed me about the Harley, I happened to mention my electrical. He knows how to fix it, so he said he'd come up and take a look. As soon as he got here, my heart stopped. Wow, was all I could think, This is NOT what I need, but oh.. I am such a liar.. it was. It took about a week of back and forth and both of us denying that we had anything, and finally, I called him after a particularly rough evening with the lawyers, and he met me up in Everett. Since then we finally acknowledged how we felt, Ha.. a week, wow, but this is one amazing guy, and so yeah... there ya go, God did have a plan in all this.
Now to make it all fall into place with my goals, and his.
Yeah... he's a drummer, go figure.
By the way, yes, he has met the kids, and they are happy that mom is not going to grow old and become a crazy cat lady. (My Granddaughter told the school counselor that)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Alrighty then, this is it folks. Time for a new start and a re-defining of life as I knew it.
As some of you know, my husband and I separated in November of 2010. This separation actually started in Jan of 06, but I was apparently oblivious to what was happening. Oh, I saw some signs of things happening, but what, was not definable. He actually told me on September 29th of 2010, after a camping trip we took. Then continued to stay here. The day after Thanksgiving he said he was moving home to his mothers.
So, I had started a blog awhile back on inspiration, and decided I didn't need it. There were to many in-consistency in what was being said and what actions were taking place for me to think that we may have had a second chance at anything. No regrets here by the way. We had something, and now we don't. Time to move on.
This is where things get a little hinky, but it is what it is. I won't go into the details, because I refuse to degrade what my husbands choices are at this point, but for me, I am done, whether he thought he was or not.
Enough is enough. My priority's have always been the same. Kids 1st, then family, and ect... Now it is Kids, Job, and someday, one day, who knows when, a man that knows how to be honest and real, no games, and will accept me for me. Strong, independent and at times opinionated, but loyal and honest. Take it or leave it. Not marriage, at least that is not on my mind now.... and won't be until the kids are grown and gone, but I will have a man. Period.
So, no more inspiration blog, and going over memory's of my life as it was, it is from today forward. Anyone who knows me, truly knows me, knows I don't go back, I move on. I have always been that way.
So Chin up, boobies out, (as Oshun says) and on with life! We only have one, and my husband is correct in saying that.
This is my family. I love them.
Signing off for now~ Loving life!