Friday, September 12, 2014

My daughter

I haven't written in a few months... I've been off in my own world, struggling with my own life. Again.... 

Alot of people believe I am stong, but the truth is, I'm not, I'm normal. Eveyone has trials and tribulations that they deal with on a daily basis, some more than other's, but we all have our own story. 

My story is wrapped up in my childrens storys. I spent the day with my daughter today. We went through some of her writing. She writes a lot like I do... from pain, exsperience, her own storys meshed with mine. 

She is my 1st born, my heart, although I don't believe she accepts that, nor believes it. We have always had a toxic relationship, due to circumstances and choices. She believes she is right, I believe I am, it does not matter, its all relative. 

She was not raised with me, she was raised with her father and grandfather and grandmother. He, her father, took her from me when she was 4. The reasons why, no longer matter, but he had her illegally. I choose not to fight for her for my own reasons. 

In the years she was with him, we had been at odds, there were things she would not tell me, things I did not know, but I knew. ya know? Since leaving him, having her 1st born, she has learned some. So have I. 

We all gain insight with life exsperience, there is empathy, but there is no turning back time. We go from here, there is no living in the past. There is no sense in it. We have both hit our bottoms in different ways, for diffeent reasons, but they all paralle. 

I raised her daughter, her 1st born. She turns 14 today, and has been back with her mother for 2 years now. I'm not there... once again, for my own reasons, that at this point are moot. She won't understand, and I won't go there for now. 

My daughter is a recovering addict. I am proud of her sobriety, and pray this continues. She had 12 years clean, and took a spill a few months ago. Somehow, by devine intervention, she ended up in a position where she had to get clean, and get clean quick. I won't divuldge her D.O.C (that is drug of choice) but she did get clean, and has stayed that way for the last 63 days. 

Her pain is my pain, she does not understand this, her storys are part mine. She's my heart, and the pain I have from not having had her with me her young life cuts me like she has cut herself. Sharp, slicing... I bleed with her. 

I love her. I'm proud of her, and she is not a victim, she is normal, she's beautiful, if only she could see that. She is my heart. 

Friday, July 18, 2014

6 weeks

I just spent the last 6 weeks with a man that I have known since 2011. I met him on the music scene. In fact I met him through the person I was dating at the time. 

I look at my life, and wonder at times what god really has in store for me. All the people, all my friends, even family, that all mix in, in this circle I have been in since I turned 14. 

The people he knows, the people I know, where he lives now,  where I am now. Irony. Life's Irony. My granddaughter Taytem, has grandparents on Mercer Island. Funny, Bobby, knows them, has known them for years. 

He lives in Lake Stevens, where I grew up. My stomping frounds, my daughter's old stomping grounds, her dads, my son's now, and now Bobby's. 

I browsed through our messages, clear back to 2011, and it's funny, I think he was always in my mind. He was respecful, sweet, kind and funny, and I think that there was an underlying attraction I was unwilling to admit due to circumstances. He was the one I would reach out too, when things were going sideways, and looking at his responses to me, I was the one he was reaching out to also. 

We had hung out on the music scene at different shows, when we were out together, me, him, other people. But When I would walk into a venue, I always seemed to gravitate to him. A quick hug, and hello, a picture, small talk. 

About 10 weeks ago, He messaged me, asked what I was up to, and did I want to go hang out. I was working, and getting sicker, so turned him down for that evening, but  said I would love to anytime I was not working. I tried really hard to keep him in the "Friend Zone" , but it didn't last long... 2 weeks tops, and everyhing went from there. 

We have been inseperable since 6 weeks ago. Tonight is the 1st time I have not been with him since we got together, and it's more than sexual attraction, although that is a plus. :) He makes me smile, and laugh, he's kind and caring and a good man. I have not had that for a long time. He makes me feel valued, he makes me feel loved, in away I have not been loved before. 

I don't know where this is going, but I know what I want. I think he does too. To be happy, and loved and have a companion that will be beside you no matter what. I think we got this.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

We dance.....

Looking back on some of my blogs I touch a lot on fate, destiny or design. Living the life I do, I often question if I am where I am because of any of those, or one of them, or all of them. 

The last 4 years has been a whirlwind of change, moving, music, new friends, old friends. I find myself questioning everything. I have been off and on the music scene for the last 30 years. I feel like I know everyone, by being in the same place they were, or knowing the same people. 

4 years ago, My life went up-side down once again. I was single all of a sudden. On the social end, I was out, meeting people, going to shows, dancing and then dating. I met a musician through the man I was dating. I felt a click, however I was in a exclusive relationship. We'd see him, out and about, at different shows and private partys. I always thought he was a lovely man. Kind and sweet, a gentleman. 

In April of this year, I moved into a friends home, starting over again. This man, Bobby, and I started hanging out more and more. Not by intention, not at 1st. We just started to connect more at events and shows. 

At the begninning of May, I had him friend zoned. We laugh about this. Neither of us had the intentions of going where we are now, but we keep going there. He's southeren, and a gentleman, he makes me laugh, and he's good to me. we dance. We both were raised country. Same morals and values, and even the same political and religious views.  Right now I can't bare the thought of him going back to his plave without me, or vice versa, me being at my place without him. 

We have so much in common, it's surreal. We have talked about the people we have known through the years, and the places we have hung out and been at, most likely at the same time, and both of us wonder why we did not cross paths then, instead of now, but it is what it is. 

So, we see where this goes. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Do you Remember?

Do you remember when we 1st met? Do you remember how we felt, how everything was brand new and bright... 

How we loved, and planned, and talked about what we wanted and didn't want. 

Do you remember the promises made, and how happy we were? All the places we went, all the people who knew us and loved us, as us.

I do.... I remember all of it. My dreams about us, the memorys in my mind have not faded. I wake up in the middle of the night, you are there... things we exsperienced together, places we went.

It seems like you have forgotten, like none of what we had, what we were meant anything to you. Pictures are put away, memorys are bured. Words left un-said.  Photographs, I come across, sparks a thought, a feeling. Do they for you? Will they one day when you are older, will you think of me? 

What we had, what we were... what we lost. 

Monday, April 28, 2014


I can't escape the thoughts of him, he's always there... 

Consuming me, my heart locked in his hands; crushing...

Drawn to him, by forces I can't control, let alone escape. 

Addicted;  like a drug, numbing my senses... 

Sleepless nights, dreams of him in the shadows......

Elusive; gone now. Out of my grasp........pain shoots through me...

Day into night, night to day, it's all encompassing......dying

slicing, cut after cut, until I am dead. 

Feeling no more; thoughts scatter..... he is gone, yet still here. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Pieces of memories....scattered and torn

Memories.......torn, scattered, across the floor of life......... shredded pieces of paper, pictures..... 

faces; fading with the years....shadows in my mind

Seems like yesterday, the importance and significance of people who I cared for... gone now... 

all of it meaning nothing, and something at the same time... but what.... 

Where did this take me, where am I going now.... what did it all mean. Pain so deep, the cut of a knife would be easier.... 

Another day, hour, minuet; slides by slowly, slicing in no particular direction. Crossing and re-crossing... until numbness sets in... 

No longer caring... how does that happen? How does one have a feeling, and then loose it... like it was meaningless.... 

torn and shattered..... bleeding, until you are bleed dry.... 

New roads....untraveled.... let the old ones go. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014


Our life is a moment, a series of moments on a journey to the end.....

let them go, let them all go.....

our life is a series of moments, moments, all gathering, towards this one......

clinging to me, like home to me, I don't recognize this street...

don't close your eyes...

I know you care, I know it has always been there....

I see it in the way that you stare....

as if there were trouble ahead and you knew it...

two lovers locked out of love....

you were are just saving yourself when you hide it.....

I will be saving myself from the ruin...

I've never known winter so cold.....

but I still hope, why can't I dream.... because I still know that you care....

moments, life is just moments, all gathering towards this one...

not letting go, don't want to get past this, all these moments....

loving from the outside... moments....

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

30 and 3 ..

Thirty years ago, I sat on a bench in a park 3 blocks from where I am right now... I walked away from everything I owned, and loved, on my own, clothes on my back and on foot. 

In all my writing over the years, I had forgotten about this little bit of information. In 1984, I disappeared for 3 years, no contact with anyone that I had known, or grown up with. No contact with family. I walked away. 

I moved down to Grays Harbor. Enrolled in community college, and worked at a mill, packing shims for .08 (peace work) the mill was 50 miles from where I lived. 100 miles round trip daily. I hitched rides with workers from the mill.

I stayed down there 3 years... loved the Ocean, but hated the small town setting. Even though I came from a relativity small town, I still hated it. I had hooked up with my daughters father and he was drinking and drugging like no tomorrow. I had not done anything pretty much since right out of high school. 

After my daughter was born, and after 2 years of college, major in Art, minor in history, then no degree, because I changed my mind, or my kids dad did, or who knows now.... point being, I was done with the area. 

I came back to the Everett area in 87, and started working at panama's, which later became Jimmy Z's. Krystal's dad and I split soon after. Anyway, so, in my blogs, writings, all this chaotic ramblings, I've talked about circles. Constantly. 

I had a friend say, maybe subliminal... on my part.. Then my daughter, being a smart ass like me, says, there is nothing soul searching or spiritual about this mom, you keep coming back, you never left for good. Ha! That is true, but then I wonder, had I, would circles be repeating themselves if I had only changed geography? 

3 years ago in April.... I met another person who has impacted my life greatly.. I'm not where I want to be now, and not sure where I am going..... what will happen, and un like 30 years ago, when everything was so much easier, than now, I have to make some decisions that I would rather not do. 

more soul searching.... 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Light and dark

Every dark thing one falls into can be called an initiation. To be initiated into a thing, means to go into it. The 1st step is generally falling into a dark place and usually appears in a dubious or negative form. Falling into something or being possessed by something. The shamans say that to begin medicine, is to begin by falling into the power of the demons. To embrace them. The one who pulls you out of the dark place becomes the medicine. The one who stays in this is the sick person. You can take every illness; psychological and physical as  initiation. Even the worst things you fall into are an effort at initiation;  for you are in something that belongs to you, and now you must get out of it.  

The unknown... what we fear is inside us, and we quarrel in our minds about the significance of it's existence. We know that it is there, but we do not always understand why, and maybe we won't. Maybe it is there for us to know that it is a part of us, like breath. It just is. Maybe there is not an "answer" in the human sense. 

What we face is larger than we can comprehend in the narrow corridors of our minds. It is beyond this.  We are conditioned to not see past what is right in front of us, and to continue in a cycle of un growth. The ones who truly make it past this darkness, are unique in their thinking. They strive to be more reflective, and more enlightened. They question, everything; and that is good. That is when they find the light in that darkness, and embrace it along with the dark. 

Seeing past it, does not seem to be the answer, embracing both, the light, and dark, the demons and angels, only then do we truly learn who we are and possibly why we are where we are at in life. 

This is where we "get out" and start to heal. Nursing the demons, and encouraging the angels. Light and dark. We are both. 

Sunday, February 9, 2014


I am not a graceful person.  Not Saturday morning,  or Friday night sunsets. I'm like 3 am gunshots, muffled in the distance.... 

I'm a frozen window in winter, my soul cracking nightly; I fall from elegance and  apologize for my sadness. 

Most times, I believe I do not fit... not with other people. Any people... lost, lonely, but not alone. Always with my thoughts. My thoughts, always with me. 

I belong to the years that are no longer... the way light and dark, mix beneath my skin... they become a storm. 

You never see the lighting, but hear crackle. Then the boom... Flashes in the night, drifting across the midnight sky. 

Like I drift across life.. wandering like an echo in you're mind. How do you see me? When looking through you're eyes, do you see the clumsiness? The stumbling along the way... 

Is this why my wretchedness are echoed in your eyes..... 

Saturday, February 8, 2014


In the corridors of my mind, I am wandering.... passing closed door's.. it's dark, and I can barely see the outlines, the shapes of things to come. 

As I pass a doorway, I pause... wondering what is behind it. Curious, I open it slowly; what unfolds before me is a scene from my past... 

I am on a road, it is day light, my father and brother are there... there is a car that is parked at the curb. 

As my father looks up to me, I see another car pass slowly by... the driver obscured. But I know who it is... I know what he has come to say.... 

I close the door, not wanting to hear, to see... and move through the darken corridor. I pass another door..... hesitating, wanting to open it, yet knowing that what I will see is not to my liking.... 

I keep going... passing more and more doors.... following the corridors, turning corner's, like life changes. 

As many doors as I pass, and corners I turn, I know I am traveling through my life... passing somethings by, going through others.... changing with the time and shadows. 

I am there again, in that dark corridor.... not knowing which door to pass by, which one to stop and open.... do we ever really know, or is life an endless passageway... leading us to an unknown destination. 

Or do we get to stop and choose, which door to open, which one stays shut. My father is still with me.... watching, waiting, to see what I will do, where I will go. He knows that dark place I am in.... he's known for a long time. 

Yet has always walked with me there... through those corridors. 

Friday, January 31, 2014

1st seduction

She's in the kitchen... facing the counter... 

He walks in behind her, encompassing her, but not touching. Laying his hands on the counter. 

She turns to him, eye's lowered... like he likes. Yet he says, look at me, allowing her the eye contact she craves.... letting her watch what he is going to do to her... 

this time... 

He knows she's a bit of an exhibitionist... wanting to see what he is going to do, letting her, because she has earned it. She has pleased him. 

Now, he is going to please her.... in ways she has not experienced. He slowly goes down, removing her stockings, rolling down to her ankles... 

Raising her calve, removing the stocking's one by one... he then looks up to her, to see if she is watching, keeping eye contact, he then removes her panties... placing his hand on her maidenhead. 

Circling her clitoris slowly with his thumb... until he feels her wetness... then gently, he slides his finger into her... then out... watching as she closes her eyes, watching her enjoy the sensation... 

He stands then... not allowing her to touch,  but still allowing the eye contact. he traces her lips with his tongue, taking her mouth in his, he plunges into her... kissing deeply... 

Still keeping her aroused, he lifts her in his arms, taking her to the bedroom. Laying her upon the bed, he leans in, whispering for her to open her eyes again... to watch him.. 

His cock is hard.... he brings her hand to it... having her guide him into her... she is pliant, liquid, melting as he enters her... 

They fit, he plunges past her maidenhead, taking her swiftly.. there is not pain, none that she remembers.. the sensations running over her skin are tantalizing... his presence in her is filling..... his cock making her want more, harder... 

He takes her to a peak, her entire being quivering..... then pulls back... watching her, watch him. He's back on her mouth, her breast's... bringing her more and more sensations as he lays still inside her. 

He begins again, slowly moving, rocking... she is begging now... moving with him, matching her moves to his... finally, going over the edge, as he plunges deep, spilling his seed into her as she joins him in ecstasy. 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Turning point

Another life changing event. I am now, alone.  Alone with my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams.....and pain. The pain of letting go. Loss. 

Grief is a funny thing. I'm OK, then not OK.  It rears up and hits me, sometimes with a word, or a song... a picture, a card, or just out of nowhere. Yes, the current loss is new, fresh and I know it will take time.... a long time. 

I've made a lot of choices in my life, some good, some not so good, but each one taught me something. Each lesson learned gave me an opportunity to grow. 

I am grieving now, a hard choice, a hard lesson. Trying to deal with an old loss, and a new one. Trying not to blame the old one,   for what is taking place now. In doing that, I would be denying  those of you who have come into my life since. 

I cannot deny that, nor my own nature. They bring me joy, comfort, love, support... some of you have become dear, very quickly.  Some of you... whom I thought to let go of, indeed, almost did, are still on this journey with me. 

With this new loss, I am given an opportunity to hope.  A new journey begins, with new dreams. New friendships.  A future I will mold and shape to my passions. 

I know I will have days where I will feel mired in, immobilized, and stuck, like today;  but I also know those will pass ...and I will come out the stronger for them, wiser and more in tune with myself... my surroundings, and my friendships. 

This is my time now, to be the best of me, to create.... to do what I know I can do. I will write my story, make my own music, forge my own path...  All by design. 

love and peace~ 

Friday, January 24, 2014

Living behind the Veil

I read this book, many years ago. At the time, I was married to a man from the Middle East. 

But that is not what this is about. It's funny, I put a  poem up on facebook yesterday, "Letting go", Author Unknown. The comments and shares on this were long. One of them was from a friend in Hawaii. She said I inspired her. 

I almost commented on this. My comment would have been something like this.... 

I don't feel like I inspire anyone. I can barely inspire myself. 
I have been living a life behind a computer screen, behind a person, behind what my actual truth is. 

I write, and hopefully, one day for a living, but as a writer, I write about things I want, a way of life. I write about a lot of things. My life, what I've been through, what I am going through, what I want, where I want to be.. hopes dreams, failure's... I write about all of it..  
The point is, we all live behind a veil. 

We have faces; faces that are private, faces for public... we hide behind what hurts us, what pleases us... how we live our life. We have a tendency to hold close what we feel in truth. We don't allow that out. 

It's not easy to reach out, it scares people. It brings a reality to a situation that we may not want to really look at. I put a lot out here in my writing, but just as much as I put out, I keep in. 

I don't know that this is good, or bad. I really have no thoughts on it at the moment, I just know, we all do it. There are pieces of ourselves we keep. 

I write to let some of that go.. to get it out of me, but I don't write it all.... maybe one day I will... maybe 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Delicious ambiguity

Sometimes in life,  our paths are not clear; that is OK.  It's not always about a beginning, or middle, or even an ending. 

Life is about not knowing,  from one moment to the next what one is going to do. Its about taking a moment and making it you're's. Making the best of it without knowing what is going to happen next. 

We always have a goal, a plan, a clear thought on what we want, where we may be headed, and even how we may get there. But things come along that change that;  or attempt to.  Sometimes in a big way, sometimes in a small way. 

We don't know. But when those times happen, the idea is to not let the moment change you, or define you. The idea is to live it, whether if be a good moment, or a bad one. Shape it to who we are, and move it in the same direction as we plan on moving. 

Take it with us, if you will.  Not the tangible; that is not what I am talking about. The intangible. The moment's that we learn from. Wounds that are inflicted upon us, heal, but they stay with us. They are a lesson. Intangible moments stay to.... it is just harder to grasp. 

But they teach us also. Take every moment with you. There is no good, with out bad. No light, without dark.  No love, without hate.  We learn from all of this. 

Make it you're's. Own it. Write your own story. Don't let anyone else do it. 


The shower

She enter's the bathroom, and starts the shower. Hot.. she like's it almost scalding. As the steam starts to fill the room, she disrobes; letting her sheer gown drop to the floor. She pulls aside the curtain.... 

The room is scented with lavender... he's been watching her, through the partially open door. The curve of her back, as she steps into the steam and disappears into the hot cascades of water. 

Following, he silently stands just outside the door, studying her shape through the curtain; tracing the lines of her curves with his eyes... he's hungry for her... 

He enters the room quietly, undressing.... pulling the curtain open slowly, he steps in behind her... her back to him. He puts his hands on her hips.. stilling her... she knows what is coming, she knows him... 

Pushing her wet hair to the side, he kisses her neck and the back of her shoulders.. keeping her in place. He reaches around her; pulling her arms above her head, holding them there, with one hand as he slowly traces her breasts. She is slick from the oil she uses... 

His scent and the lavender mingle together as she leans her head back in submission on his shoulder... , his hand comes up and turns her head for a deep wet kiss... he wraps her fingers around the shower head, making her keep them there... using both hands to massage her breasts and stomach... 

She can feel his hardness, and her breathing comes faster as he continues his assault on her senses. Moving from her stomach to her womanhood... his hand cups her, feeling her slickness along with the hot water.... 

Gently rubbing her clitoris, he nudges the back of her knee up to gain better access. She lifts her foot to the side of the tub... She wants him, but cannot say so, until he tells her to ask. Quivering with need, she waits... he is driving her to the edge with just his hands... her buttocks push into him.. 

Finally, he whisper's to her, "tell me" he says, tell me to take you... She almost falls with relief... knowing he will soon be inside her.. "take me" she begs... "take me hard" ...

He does, slamming into her from behind.. he's holding her around the waist, her hands and cheek against the shower wall, water pounding down, in rhythm with his movements... 

The heat, the water, her senses assaulted, by all, him.. she comes in waves as he does, both becoming slack with release... coming to rest against her wet back.. hearts slowing down... He stays inside her... holding her, until she finds her balance... 

He leans over, turning her to him, washing her now... soaping her breasts and privates.. letting her soap him... 

Clean, he turns the water off, still holding her... picking her up, stepping out of the shower, he reaches for the towel, and wraps her in it... taking her to the bed... 

Still wet... he starts again.. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014

The Dock

She faces him, with the wind in her hair; waves rolling in to the shore in the background. 
Studying his face....searching his eyes, questioning. 

He reaches for her, and pulls her into his embrace. Cupping her face, he raises her lips to his.... slowly he traces her mouth with his tongue,  softly biting the edges, arousing her to open, going deeper into the kiss... passion spreading between them.. 

Heat curling through her body....the wind, still whipping her hair, mixing with his hair, she grasps hold, bringing his kiss deeper still... prolonging it.... pulling apart, he traces kisses down her neck, nibbles... 

Her nipples peak, hardening as he comes closer to their mounds... he cups her from the side, running his hand gently across the hardened peak... the touch, through her clothing is adding to the sensation.... making her quiver with need... 

Touching each other now, they explore the contours of their bodies... giving to each other, equally, her... running her nails, up his back... under his shirt... feeling his heat... ..

Oblivious to the surroundings, time has no place here.... just thoughts, emotions, passion, and complete seduction... 

A gull startles them; he takes her hand.. pulling her back to his car... seating her. She waits until he is in, and falls on him.. wanting only to ravage his senses, like he has done to her... their lips meet, his crushing, this kiss is deep, long...She falls back with him above her...  his hands are exploring again... down her stomach... 

To the core of her.... he finds her wet, hot... ready for release.. his finger tips trace her clitoris ...bringing her to the brink, then pulling back... all the while, he's suckling at her breast.... 

She explodes... climaxing in waves... spiraling out of herself.... then slowly coming back to him... her eyes open, he's watching her... pulling his hand from her wetness, he sucks her taste into his mouth, then leans over... and kisses her.... letting her taste her own sweetness....

A whisper

In the early light of dawn, there is a whisper; across her soft skin.... just a hint of warm air... 
a touch, soft, barely there... tracing slowly down her exposed hip.. 

she awakens slowly, still in a dream state, and turns into the touch, wanting more.... arching into him.... stretching languidly... 

opening her eyes, watching him.... sleepy still, yet aroused... quiet...just feeling.. 

his touch is exquisite; sending chills running up and down her body... letting him work his magic on her, 

she flushes with desire, but waits.... anticipating.. wanting more, but not wanting the touch to stop.. 

he slowly, cups her nipples, she feels his warm breath, as he circles them with his tongue...
she feels her body quicken... a flood of hot wetness... a sheen of heat across her skin... 

out of her mind with desire, passion building ... heart throbbing, he's attune to her..  sliding his hand down to her wetness.... touching again, gently... slowing her down... 

seducing her with touch.... devouring her... finally, finally, taking her... hard, deep, slow strokes,  building her up again.... until she peaks... crashing in waves, over and over.. becoming like sand on a beach; as the wave goes back to sea... settling.. coming to rest; laying against his chest... 

heartbeat slowing... resting... sliding back  into slumber in his arms. 

Friday, January 17, 2014

Completely random.... or is it?

My thoughts have scattered to the winds, and come back like fall leaves and settle in, laying in a gently mound at my feet. 

So much on my mind, what I want, what is right, where I'm going.... 

My focus, comes and goes... starting with one thought, and growing into something more... becoming bigger, clearer, and then falling apart, and starting over again. Seeing something elusive,  just out of reach... like a dream, with a mist around the edges. Wavering, then becoming clear. 

Reaching out... touching the clearness, then having it disappear as I close my hand on it. Scattering like confetti... Starting again, working the thoughts into shapes. The shapes into tangible ideas... 

Dreams,  like a million stars in a midnight sky.... blinking in and out... some falling, some becoming brighter. Shaping and re shaping into beautiful bright lights....

Lights, shinning the way, to something more... fulfillment. 

Life by design, my journey is on maestro... play on 


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Beginnings and Endings

I’ve lived through things I would never have thought I was capable of, and because of it I am stronger and wiser. The process of wounding awakens us to our strength. It shuffles our values, and the top priority is never what you thought it would be. It’s never about perfection, or power. It always turns out to be about love. Knowing ourselves to be vulnerable and our time here to be limited, we’re freed to live more passionately, and fully than we have before, to discover what’s worth fighting for and who we are. Real strength is buried at the depths of any wound we have survived..

It doesn't matter where life has taken us, it's never too late to make a change. If where you are is not where you feel you should be, it's simply because you're becoming enlightened. You're learning, flourishing. You now have an opportunity to move forward from this moment into a life that better suits the new you. Perhaps life leading up to this point is starting to make sense. It's becoming clear that everything in your past has been for a reason, a growth opportunity, to make you stronger. You suddenly feel different, as if everything around you is miraculously changing. Welcome to the doors of a new you. Do not be afraid to enter.

Whether your life up to this point has been easy or whether it has been difficult, you are here just the same. And your destiny does not care one bit about your past You will understand why when you look back, the answers are rarely given in the middle of the lesson.

Only at the end. 

Moving forward

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment; there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready.

Moving forward is not easy for most people. We are steeped in routine, a lot of which is done by rote. We fear change, the unknown. A lifetime of misery will not go away overnight. It takes daily cleansing of negativity to clear the way forwards.

It is so much easier to grow and change in an atmosphere of love and encouragement. Live with intention, don't just survive. Don't settle. Walk to the edge, practice wellness, choose with no regret. Live as if there is nothing else. 

Sometime, there  is not next time, no time out's, no second chances. Sometimes, it's now or never. 

Make it happen. 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Somewhere girl

Caught...... in the between. Searching for something, somewhere. Nature verses nurture... 
Antony Youssef Ahmed 

My son writes to me in the middle of the night, 

you are strong mom, and I don't say it enough, but I love you. You'll be fine, 

How does my 18 year old know this? Maybe because his goals, hopes and dreams, changed when mine did. 

Maybe he really does get it, this child of mine. 

He's always been my heart. The one I fight for, the one I would gladly die for. 

Had his father made his goal years ago, I would have traveled to the Middle East at the time with a friend of mine who is a mercenary. 

I don't know that my son know's the whole story. I know he hears one thing from his father, another from his step father.... 

I've tried to teach him logic. Question everything.  Nothing in life is guaranteed. 

He's growing up now, has his own life, college, a girlfriend... so he see's.... 

He has the gift of discernment. He's a smart young man. he'll make it too. 

Me? I'm somewhere..... still looking.. still wanting. It's my path. My Journey. 

Sunday, January 5, 2014


Abracadabra is a Hebrew term meaning, I create what I speak. 

One would like to believe that, in theory this works. However, I think you have to feel it too... not just speak it. Passion, creates momentum. Forward movement. 

To move on to a creative space, to be passionate about what you do. You not only speak it, you feel it, and then live it. 

I have to visualize what I want in my life, then go out and get it. Sitting back waiting for anything to happen is not the correct way to approach anything you do. 

I have once more a vision in place of how I want my life. My company closing was the catalyst for the newest dream. I have a 6 month goal, and a 1 year goal. I'm going to be proactive in making this happen. 

No more will I be immobilized by what someone may think or feel about it. This is my life, and I am getting back to it. I've allowed to many intrusions into what I need for me, my children and those I love. I will not allow someone else to dictate my actions. Mine do not dictate others, I won't give that part of myself up anymore. 

In the end, waving the magic wand and saying abracadabra would be nice, but unfortunately it does not work. 

So here is to once more, a new vision, a new direction, and a new goal. I want a storefront, a boutique, with music memorabilia, home decor concerning music, pictures that are framed that have to do with music. Everything music.  You have to see it, not just speak it, and it will materialize.