I still think about him

friends....or lovers 

I think about him almost every day. Odd how that is. It's random. I'll be going along good and then he pops into my mind. I will wonder at what part of the day he is in, whether he is working, or out with his girls. I'll wonder how his meetings are going, or if he's just at home on the deck relaxing.

When I'm driving to work, I wonder if we are on the same highway at the same time. When I come in late from my job, I get to my exit and think, he is one more exit up.  I wonder if he's awake, because I know he has been before, we've been on the phone that late. He works days, I work nights.

Who knows how these things work. I've been friends with him for a long time on social media. Even though we never really interacted before this year. He said he was always curious about me too, and wonder if he thinks of me at random times. I've always been curious about him. Attracted to his looks. Now his mind. He's sweet, caring. I can tell in how he talks. He's a good dad, I see that in what he posts.

I think about my life back to 2001. When I had my diagnosis. My feelings about life changed in those moments, and so I try to let people know what they mean to me. Even though I'm not really good at it.  He means something to me.  Maybe I'm not ready to identify my feelings or explore that too deeply yet, but he does mean something. *shrugs* *laughs* Silly me.

I wonder if I'm destined to be on my own from here on out. Was my marriage and subsequent divorce, the end of a meaningful relationship for me?  Has the world changed so much that the elusive "happily ever after" no longer exists?  I'm good on my own. I can do what I want when I want, but there are so many times that I think, it would be nice to share this with someone. What this is is, I've no idea. *ha* but maybe this could be found together.

I know I shouldn't think about him in that way. We are friends, and having friends, long term is always good.
He's with someone, but for some reason, I feel like there is some hope here. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I can see the pattern's that he cannot, or maybe because I know we have a connection.  I know we are friends, but wonder if somewhere down the line if there might be more. Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell. But I think about him.