Elusive

Writing.....its slipped away these past few years.
I've found it harder to express my thoughts on my own life. Like I'm numb to everything going on.
Even my own choices.
Life has slipped by. Seemingly endless with no direction.  Like scenery passing by in a car window.
Mundane, almost. Like I'm not really participating. Things happen and I feel  I'm watching someone else respond to them. 

The past few years have sort of slipped away without me taking much notice of them. 

So in April of this year, my middle son, Jacob was diagnosed with A.S.D (Autism spectrum disorder) 

He's mid to high function, but the fascinating thing is memory function. It's below average for A.S.D. 

What this means, is, that even though he can function, his memory is so poor that, he immediately forgets, what's being asked of him, or required of him. There are other medical issues that have come along with this diagnosis too. 

Now I notice. Everything. My focus is on work and Jake. Appointments, doctors, tests, etc. Paperwork. And lots of it. Jake has depression, social anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Between 6 day work weeks, little to no sleep, and helping my son, I've precious little time. 

I am being pushed again to publish, and again, I wonder if any of what I write is worth someone's time to read. Clearly, this is an esteem issue for me. I don't feel like what I go through or what I deal with would be beneficial to someone else.  Everyone has a story to tell. 

I've written about suicide in this blog, or book, or whatever this turns out to be. From an outside perspective, it's a sense of feeling hopeless. Like nothing is real, and nothing matters. I can read Jakes emotions pretty well, and I see it sometimes and feel the need to be in constant contact with him by phone or email, if not physically with him. 

So.... my writing? I guess I have new things to write about. More challenges to face. I sense these will be my biggest ones yet, since my divorce years ago now.  I can't imagine how Jake sees the world.  I know how I see it and hope that he can one day find beauty and grace in it as I do. 

For now, peace out.