Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Music man

I never thought that I could experience the greatest pain ever,  of loosing someone who has been in my life such a short time.  I am shattered. 

I had a long marriage, and when that ended, I was already out of it in my heart. I hurt for my children,  but not for me. 

I have dealt with a rare illness for 11 years, literally eating me from the inside out. Yes, it is painful, but it's physical. Not emotional. 

I've lost my mother, and my best friend in the last year.....those two events hurt... John, more than my mother, not because I did not love my mother, but because of expectation that the old die before the young, and she did, but I lost him 3 months later. 

 This man, this beautiful man, who is no longer mine, who is light and dark together; has me on my knees. I am tortured, he is tortured...we are torn asunder. Lost in what we had, or could have. 

I'm a truth seeker, so I see things that happen before they happen. I knew.... I knew going in, that we would come apart at some point. I also know that we will come back together. I do not know in what sense, but I do know we will. 

He has brought something to me, no one ever has. Taught me things, I never believed I could be taught. I learned through loving him, to view life in a different light. We cannot have good, with out bad, we cannot have light without dark. 

The depth in my soul this man has touched me, is like no other. He will forever hold my heart. There will not be another man who will touch where he touched. My heart will wander where he does, my mind and thoughts will be on him, his journey. I will pray for his strength to get him through this as I will pray for mine. 

I also know that I will have not been able to touch this beautiful surface without having touched this shattering darkness. 

I will leave me behind, as I go forward, and hope that one day, someday, we will find each other again. Until then I give him my love and blessings to find his happiness, follow his dreams, and be the man I know he is. 

I once heard him say, "it is a risk to love, what if it does not work out?" My answer was, "what if it does?" 

All my love and peace to you music man ~ forever  
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