Growing up me

From the time I was a little girl I always felt outside myself. It was like watching a movie.... 

Flashes of memory's that were not mine, but were. Climbing trees, making trails in the woods, going to the beach. 

Trips.. Vermont, Boston, Maine, New York and all the other states. Wearing tennis shoes in the river, coming across country in a Volkswagon Van. Hippie curtains on the windows, my dad made. 

Church, and standing on the steps on Easter, my matching coat and hat, with white gloves.  Sunday school, and teacher, telling us we were adopted. Remembering I already knew that, but not how I knew. Mom, handing me a little white pad of paper and pencil, so I would be quiet during the sermon, and draw. 

Piano lessons, and recitals... little white dresses, with Black bows and Black patent leather Mary- Jane's. 

Summers in Idaho on my Aunts 80 acre farm on a lake. Learning to sail in a thunder storm, and my boat capsizing, and me getting it upright and running aground in a thicket of cat tails. My Aunt, laughing at me from the deck of her home. 

Country fairs, bailing hay, riding horses. California with my cousins. Driving a tractor.... putting up fence... 

Dance lessons, plays, afraid of being on stage. Watching my little self in sequined outfit, tutu's, and more little white gloves. Pill box hat's with lace coming down in front. Turning away from the camera's and audience. 

Halloween, and brisk October nights, running the streets, playing. Riding my bike, building forts in the woods. Clean cool air.... 

Being a teenager, having girlfriends, going to party's and concerts.... berry picking and babysitting....sitting on the roof of the house I babysat at. Working in my aunt's jewelry store. Sitting on the stool, outside the door on a hot summer morning, drinking sparkling apple juice, pretending it was a beer. 

Flag team, drill team.... football and fall... my 1st big mistake, drinking moonshine, passing out during homecoming, at half time on the 50 yard line. Paramedics. Being dragged back to church the next morning... 

Hot rods, and sitting in the high school parking lot. Rally's at the beach where we caught the bus with opposing school members. 

Playing Frisbee while riding our bikes around the lake on Saturday mornings. 

Sneaking out of the house when mom and dad were out, going to the beach in the dark, staying to the shadows, out of the street lights, to not get caught. Sitting on  the dock, watching the moon over the lake, and feeling like we were doing something truly wrong, when really all it was, was adventurous. 

Stealing my dad's car, doing brodies  in the supermarket parking lot, under the street lights, and rolling it. Bringing it home, and parking exactly where he had it, hoping against hope that he would not find out. 

Camping on the lawn in the back yard, waiting till midnight to sneak out and go to the beach. Water skiing at 3 am, on Feb 1st, every year all through high school. 

Trying pot for the 1st time, in my Sophomore year, not liking it. My dad asking how I knew what pot smelled like when I asked why the flower bed smelled of it. Laughing when he said it was a spray to keep the dog from lying on mom's flowers. 

I was a butterfly... a gypsy... free, constantly changing. Evolving 

Skinny dipping, drinking, sitting on the hoods of muscle cars.... feeling wild and free.... so ignorant and innocent in my defiance against rules.... 

Hitch hiking with a girlfriend to California, only going the wrong way, and being picked up by a trucker, who's father was a preacher, ending up in Spokane, and staying in the basement of their home, him driving us back to Everett to the college so we wouldn't miss class. 

All these memory's and more, are all surreal to me... living them, but only watching them from the outside of myself. Always looking for something....never knowing what.