I have nothing

It's 2am.... 9/11/13

I have nothing. Usually when I am writing or want to write it's because I have something to share, something to be said that may help someone else that might be dealing with a similar situation, or help my self by getting the words on paper, and processing them without emotion. 

Well I can't this time. I'm numb. I want to sleep, but can't.I want to cry and can't; When I close my eyes, all I can see is what was and now what is gone. A man who touched my soul so deeply is gone from me. 

I feel very alone in what I am going through, which is not true, I know I am not, and I know people go through this all the time, but for me, I am alone. I always have been in my life when I finally open my eyes and truly see. 

Death would be easier, then I know they are truly gone. I could grieve in my own way, but recover. With this one, it's not the same. 

So many people lost so much on this date 12 years ago, yet in my selfishness I cannot think of that. I only think of what I had. What I lost, tonight. The pain is so overpowering, so

 emotional, so visceral, it has become physical. 

I am blind to what tomorrow may hold. I will have two faces with me, and you may only see one of those. It depends on where you stand, who you are. What I allow in....