I'd hit that..... justsayin

Catch phrase; I'd hit that.... 

We all know what it means. I don't need to spell it out. So this one is for the ladies. Think on this good and hard because I know a lot of you would put up with this and not say a word. Have a conversation with your man, before your put into the position of feeling inadequate. 

You're married, not dead. We get that, but a running commentary of who you'd do, does not need to be expressed.  Guys, we get it. OK? However, having a list of names in our head does not help to make us feel secure in our self or our relationship and could cause unintentional long term harm. A constant reminder of how we may measure up puts us in the position of competing. No matter how secure and confidant we feel. 

We do it too you know, we just don't tell you who. We don't invite you out to sit with the object of our desire as soon as we've told you who that is. I mean, come on! Would you really feel good about that? 

"Hey honey, meet my friend _____ blah blah... oh and by the way, I'd fuck him." Can we all go have dinner together though? 

Right! lol... get real guys.  Have a little common decency. We don't need to go to bed every night with a list of the women you'd fuck. We already know that most of you, given the chance would do just about any woman who looks your way. We don't need their names, and we certainly don't need to be besties. 

Having been married for close to 22 years consecutively, I put up with this shit, and invariably the relationship failed. Really think about what the potential outcome can be when you divulge this type of information. 

As one of my marriage counselors asked my ex... "what reaction we're you expecting?" 

In other words guys... keep it clean, if your married, in a relationship or even considering one, take your partner's feelings into consideration. We get it, we know your not dead, that there will be attractions to other people. It's part of life. Just remember, we're not dead either and there are some women out there who will say, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. So unless you want a list of men in your head every night, think before you speak. 

Caveat; oh, and if this is a man's attempt to be honest, be careful of how you are doing that. There is a fine line between honesty and making someone feel less valued. Intentional or not. 

Peace~ 

The learning curve.... K.I.S.S

Gandhi said, "live as if you were going to die tomorrow, learn as if you will live forever". 

Judge not, or thou shalt be judged.  "Bible" 

Alright... enough  quotes. So, try living a very public life and keeping a private one at the same time. This act can be very lonely if you choose to do this.  For me, total transparency is what it is about. 

I WANT people to know who I am, what I am about, and what helped shape and define me. 
That way there is not questions as to what kind of person I am. 

For years I have had people talk about me behind my back, including my own family. Disgraceful really, it only shows who you are,  not who I am. I on the other hand, put everything out about me, the good, the bad and the ugly. No one is perfect. Check yourself, before you check someone else. 

Having grown up locally, and worked locally, for 20 plus years in the same business, I am and always have been in the public eye.  Some of you know me, even though you don't realize it. Some of you who think you know me through who I live with and date, knew me long before I got to where I am now. 

Think on this people...... we all have our own journey, we all have made some poor choices in our life. We all try to do the best we can with what we have. Trash talk is for people who do not have all the facts and wish they did. Why? Who knows.... bored with their life, nothing better to do? Tough. You do not get to live vicariously through mine. 

If I choose to let you in, that is my choice, if you make assumptions about me, I let you back out again. Plain and simple. I don't put up with judgment, or assumptions. 

I have good people in my life, and most of my relationships with them are long term. WHY? Because I am who I say I am. I put myself out there. Take it or leave it. I accept you for who you are, I expect the same courtesy. 

The learning Curve.... Keep it simple stupid. 

Peace~ 

Caffeine morning, and nicotine hangover

Sometimes I sit and ponder why and how people turn out the way they do. Why people just don't get it. I think that most people are fucked. 

Most people think that most people are pretty decent on the surface, but I think most people are just plain fucked. Only a small hand-full of society are really worth a shit. 

Everyone is caught up in STATUS.  I own a house, a new car or two or more toys. I have a husband and the same father to all my kids. I am JUST PERFECT. 

The only problem is none of these people are  happy or secure, or maybe that is just my perception. I am not saying all of this just to turn around and say that I am happy or secure  myself.  Most times I am pretty happy and for the most part I am secure. However, I do have my days.  I was not pulled out of a doll box or from some factory. I do not own a house or a new car. I don't have a lot of money in the bank nor am I married, have expensive toys to play with or even the same father to my children. It's OK.  These things do not define the type of person I am. I know that in God's good time, I will acquire, through hard work and credibility, a home, a new car, and all of the other things in life that I want. 

I can sit and compare my self to others. I can tell you exactly who I am,  what I think and every last one of my opinions. But despite this I am lacking in knowledge of who is true, and who is not.  I was  taught that a friend is for life. That one I am not too sure of, because I just wonder how it is that I determine when a person has crossed over to no longer someone, but my friend. When do you know that you can turn around and say THAT PERSON is my friend, and they support me  and I know that they will not judge me or ridicule me. 

I know that they will keep in mind my feelings. My heart, kind soul and my honor towards those I respect are what make me who I am. The things that I have or have been through or even the things that I am going through do not define my essence. 

 I could have all the money and stuff in the world, and I would not be happy. I could have the perfect body and a desirable job, a ton of friends that all have the same, but this would not define me. I would rather surround my self with more flawed and defected REAL people like myself, that drive average cars and have a boyfriend and rental home than with these STATUS ZOMBIES that parade around the world in a facade and are just as plastic as the box's they came out of.

 I think my father said it best: You can load a donkey down with books, but in the end he is still just an ass. You can teach a man all the teachable things in the world, but in the end, he is still only a man. In the end, we are all just human. None of us perfect or better than the other, just that, just a bunch of fucked up humans.

Why should I?

Confusion sets in and I'm lost in my head, not knowing which way to turn, if I should run or walk at a slow pace. 

Not knowing which decision is right, which one will bring me the happiness I deserve... Wanting my all my everything, RIGHT NOW. 

My efforts are few and recently far between as I loose myself inside of my self.  How does that work? I'm really not sure but its happening this very moment even as I type these words.  

Wishing for what I see when I stroll through the parks laid out in the narrow corridors of my mind, the love and happiness when their eyes meet, through the judgment through the pain they don't care. 

So why do I? Why do I; when they don't. I'm only one, I can't do it all. They have to do some too... it's the mirror affect. What they see in me, the things that make them angry, or what is in them. 

Beat down, by the system, by people who professed to care, by choices.... they don't care... so why should I? Tired of all the years of struggle, fighting for what's right. 

Pain

Anger and rage spit out through venomous tongues, torturous nightmares mixed with pleasantries that will never come, my head spins and tosses, this insane moment, back and forth, and to what extent does the spinning stop? 

The dreams, do they ever fail to leave me miserable, broken and alone? The pain, does it ever take a break, dose it not need a break? The voices that pull from within, which one is the voice of truth and which the voice of destruction? 

So similar.  What part of this cycle do I come down to my little world and face the travesties, the effects of my true nature?  Do I ever. I feel what seems to only be drawn out by blood, but I hear EVERYTHING. I see what comes before it has arrived, yet I can't change it, I can't stop it. Nothing does.   Had I tried to change  the past,  the future would still hold the same outcomes,  the same scars and pain, the nightmares that never end, and the voices pulling from within. 

I have to stop this... endless cycle, round and round we go.... no new beginning, no ending in sight... nerves, on high alert, waiting for the next hit, the next failure. Sleepless nights, darkness falls, dreams; vague, scary, repeating. 

Go away pain... take a break, leave me be. You broke your promise pain. You said you would stop. 

drowning

Alive, yet so numb...

Numb to the inhabitants of this world.

The careless souls who dote on inflicting what for's

and how comes.

The sacredness of my soul

lost in the mix up of who's who

and when and where.

All of this;

All of this for an extraordinary moment of

Numbness.

Is it worth it.... the pain that is created for a moment in time 

One that will mean nothing; that should mean nothing. 

fading away into space and time

a cut so deep it sears.

Hot, sharp, ripping apart 

so much heat to create the numbness. 

drowning... 

The last dance....

Its time to say goodbye....I want to run but I feel mired in... I cannot go. 

I want to be free from chains,  I no longer wish to be enslaved by them. My wings are broken beyond repair, and I have finally lost the faith. 

Forever;  this dance is ending.... And the song's became silent long ago...  people have stopped to stare, because foolishly I move about in the middle of an empty room; expecting the music to start again. But it wont. My legs are tired and I am beyond exhaustion. 

I have lost all desire to move forward. I am done. 

Changes.....

When you are young, you have the luxury to explore what you want to do with your life. Who you want to be. You have time to experiment, try new things,  go to new places. Some know right away what they want, who they are going to become. Some don't. I was one of the ones who didn't. Not at 1st..... 

I spent the better part of my 20's to 40's being married, raising children, and grandchildren. Having goals and plans in place for what I wanted to do with my life, but always setting those aside for someone else. I'm not a selfish person, and I do for others before I do for me....but...

You reach a point in your life where you know what you want. You have an epiphany, and all of a sudden what you thought, changes.  It stops you in your tracks, changes the way you look at the world and humanity. You  start to question who you really are, what events defined the way you are now, who are the people you have around you and what do they really mean to you. To your existence. Do they add value, or detract it. 

I'm really struggling with a belief system that has been in place for so many years, I live it by rote. I'm a social creature, always have been, I love people, and accept everyone. Its behaviors that I am having a hard time with. Really trying to move forward and not let these things define my ultimate lifestyle, but it's not easy. Thoughts constantly tumble around in my mind about my entire existence. 

I don't know, maybe it's my age... maybe it's because I want more for myself and my children and the people in my life, and maybe it's because I care to much, and want everyone else to care too. Inherent in a woman. It's the way we are. No apologies...lol... 

alright, I'm out.. love an peace~ 

Christmas

That time of year that is way to commercialized. That time, when even though you plan on having all your shopping done by late September... all the new products hit the shelf in early December. Toy of the year, hot trends in electronics, new winter clothing, holiday dresses. 

I love and hate this time of year.... there are so many that go without and children who are fostered or homeless, and do not get to know the true meaning of Christmas. For many years I have celebrated Christmas like most I know. Finding and trimming the tree, Christmas eve dinner, midnight mass,  putting cookies out for Santa, and up so early on Christmas morning we had to wait for mom and dad to rise. 

As the years went on, I did all this, splitting with parents and in-laws. My children getting almost 3 Christmas's, and an overabundance of wants, not needs that they soon grew bored with. After my divorce in 2010, I changed how I was doing this. I made it about friends, and strangers. 

In 2010, we donated blankets to the homeless, and had a small Christmas at home with just my children and a friend. 

In 2011 I split the children with their father, and my parents, knowing my mother would not be with us for one more Christmas after this. 

In 2012 I spent it with my children and my father, and then had dinners with my neighbors and other friends. Church from 2010 forward has since fled the scene. Also the malls and Santa seeing. 

Now it is 2013, and the season is upon us again. I am not ready, and do not know how I am spending it. My family now is scattered. Daughter and grand daughter's in Bellingham with a family of their own, my two youngest with me, my father on his own and my oldest son, living with his "step Grandmother" who is no longer apart of my immediate family. 

I've started a new jobs, so an "overabundance" of toys and gadgets for the kids is NOT going to happen. (Which by the way is fine with me) I think we have inadvertently created a me generation. Or we.... and this is not what it's about. They say Thanksgiving is the time to give thanks, but my belief is Christmas. 

This year on the 20th, we are doing a Toy Drive at One Eyed Jacks in Lynnwood. I wish my boys were old enough to take part, but they are not, so I am giving them each a little bit of money for them to go out and choose gifts for those less fortunate than them to take to the drive when I go. 

I don't know that I will have a tree, it's not like they will miss out, they have Dad, and Grandma, but I will have a dinner again, for friends and acquaintances who do not have family's to go to. 

give a child hope this year 

I want my children to know that Christmas is more than what the media spins it to be. I want them to grow up and help other's even when there are things they want. To know that there are many people in this messed up world who never had the memory's they have and to create and cherish new memory's for others to have an hold onto. Even if it is just for one day a year. 

Our world is a cold and cruel place at times, and even though the human race is a self centered race, I know that my children will learn from me to give, and give graciously. 

love and peace~ out 

Definition of me

I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path;
I define myself by the courage I have found to forge new roads.

I do not define myself by how many disappointments I have faced;

I define myself by the forgiveness and faith I have found to begin again.

I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted;
I define myself by how I have loved, have been willing to love again, and how I still love.

I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down;
I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.

I do not define myself by how often I have appeared a fool;
I define myself by the number of risks I have taken.

I do not define myself by the number of mistakes I have made;
I define myself by the knowledge I have learned from trying a new way.

I am NOT my pain…

I am Not my past…

I AM that which has emerged from the fire.

life, love, loss

A lot of things are inherent in life -change, birth, death, aging, illness, accidents, calamities, and losses of all kinds- but these events don't have to be the cause of ongoing suffering. 

Yes, these events cause grief and sadness, but grief and sadness pass, like everything else, and are replaced with other experiences. 

The ego, however, clings to negative thoughts and feelings and, as a result, magnifies, intensifies, and sustains those emotions while the ego overlooks the subtle feelings of joy, gratitude, excitement, adventure, love, and peace that come from Essence.

 If we dwelt on these positive states as much as we generally dwell on our negative thoughts and painful emotions, our lives would be transformed.

Having attended a celebration of a dear friends life this past weekend, I have thought on this in the bigger picture. Everything happens for a reason. We go through life wondering what if, but what if, we change how we view the world we live in. 

What if, we take those thoughts and feelings that are harmful when we dwell, and look for the positive in them. A wonderful group of people came together for this celebration, and the overall feeling in the room was one of love. Appreciation for what we had, what we still have, and what we can have. 

Take that ego, and make the best out of a situation, what we were given was a beautiful memory of someone who touched so many people, in good ways. It brought us together in an event that most of us would not have been together. 

Here's to life, love, loss, growth and all else that make us who we are. Better people for having known a young man, who touched so many, in so many different ways,  even for a short time. 


R.I.P Jimmy Beasley 

Winter cold.....F*k you

This is the time of year that I have a love hate relationship with, as I'm sure a lot of you do. There are so many new illnesses out there, and cold is a major factor in how they affect us. 

We all have to work, or have things we need to get done during the day, if we are not working, and when it is cold, I know that I, want to curl up in front of a roaring fire and stay there. For the whole winter. 

Realistically we can't. Ha! Don't I wish. I've talked a little about my illness in my past blog posts, but not what it really does to me. What it is. How it works. The name is Retro peritoneal Fibrosis. It's an auto immune disorder and a silent one. You cannot tell the person has it. It does not really limit us day to day, but in the long term will be the death of us. It's treated with Tamoxifen, which I have opted out of at this point. (it's oral chemo therapy) 

There is no cure for this, and when I was diagnosed 12 years ago, it was an orphan disease. Meaning, no research money for it, and very little known. 800 people in the world had it. I was one of them, and they basically gave me a year. As you  can see, I gave them a big fuck you and I'm still kicking. 

It's now being classified as a cancer, and so I am assuming more and more people have it. I still do not do any conventional treatment for it, and I have more and more flareups. What it does to me is hurts me. It's in between the peritoneum and the stomach and it's inflammation of internal organs. In the winter, it hurts more, and there are days where functioning normally is difficult at best. 

I do my days in blocks of time to get through. Mornings are consumed with getting the boys off to school. Then of course is my social networking and running my on-line business. Then its a break time, sorta... chores, shopping, laundry, ect. Then the boys are home, homework, dinner, a show maybe and then bed.  Pretty mundane, but it gets me through. I take Ibuprofen when I have the worst of the pain, but have lived with this so long, that I just sort of deal with it. 

Whats difficult is telling people about it..... when I am asked why I get sick so frequently, or why I'm not at a certain event, and so on. How do you explain what a silent illness does? Not easy. 

My out look on life is pretty positive for the most part, but I do have my days. I try to keep busy to muddle through those, and this is feeling like its gonna be one of them. This illness puts me at risk for non Hodgkin's lymphoma, Leukemia, and all blood disorders and cancers. Fun stuff. So far I have been lucky enough to dodge the bullet on these. 

So my advice to people out there who suffer from any thing.... we all have something we deal with, whether physical, or mental, or what ever it may be. Life is not easy, but don't make it harder by focusing on what you have, make it easier by accepting it and moving past it. 

Peace~ 

Forgiveness

I've been thinking on this one for awhile. Putting it together in my mind, analyzing it, turning it over and testing it. 

Forgiveness is for yourself. So you can move on, put the betrayal aside and not live it. It need not consume you. We live in the moment, and if the moment is something that hurts us, we need to learn from it. 

It's not a ticket for the person to continue to do what they have done, but a lesson to that person that there are people who can accept you for who you are, forgive you, and still live with what has happened. 

Forgiveness is not only done for you, its done in the hope that the person being forgiven can be a better person. It's done, because the person doing it, knows that the other can be a better person, despite the past. 

There are people in this world who have been damaged so badly, they feel the need to share that damage in ways that hurts others. They are people who inherently will not change how they are, or are incapable of it. But there are others, who have similar damage, that  will try to make the changes you know they can. It only takes a few moments of letting them know you care, you can love, unconditionally, to set those wheels in motion for them to be a better person. 

This is by no means, an easy task, but humanity itself needs forgiveness for teaching hate, and resentment, greed and revenge. Someone somewhere needs to start to forgive the way our world has treated the lost and damaged people in it, to break the cycle that ultimately will be the demise of true love. 

It's all about the love. Start loving, and being grateful for what you have in your life. There are so many out there who do not have that. The ones that do, need to appreciate it, not take it for granted and embrace it, with all they have. 

The ultimate betrayal

This happens when you don't take care of you. Your psych. You start to believe in the world around you. All the goodness you see and feel. Everything that is happening is new, exciting, and plays on your mind. It lies to you, yet you don't see it. 

You live in a fantasy of your own making, thinking your ideals and morals reflect those of the people around you. Common bonds, love, laughter, music..... it's all smoke and mirror's. You are blind to what is happening, you tell yourself there are always reasons for what is happening. A test, a struggle, a crisis. All adds to the belief that you are living in a realistic world. 

Stop betraying yourself 

Why? Because that is the way it is suppose to be.  We all work toward one thing in our life. Love, peace of mind, happiness. We each take a different path to get there, some long, some short. We learn lessons along the way, gaining people, and loosing people. We change our direction, sometimes we even compromise our own belief in how things should be. We change, and allow what we believe to change us. 

Take the blinders off.... start paying attention to your own internal desire. Your truth. Stop wasting time with what you think things are, and go after what they should be. 

Live your truth. Stop betraying who you are. One should never be made to feel unimportant or feel like they have to give up hopes and dreams for the another...all need to support each others hopes and dreams and encourage each other - when hope and dreams die, so do relationship's, slowly until there's nothing left to fight for..

A low....again

Considering what my blessings are lately, I am still feeling in a low. It just seems I get one step forward, then hurled a million steps back. I know in reality it's not a million, but it seems like it. it feels like a tornado, dragging me in to an abyss so deep, I can't see out of it. 

I've been continuing to write, despite my lack of computer, have done it all from my phone. Determination? I don't know, or could be no direction and boredom combined. I have been looking for work for over a month, and yesterday it sort of fell in my lap through a good friend. My computer was not totaled and so another good friend was able to fix it for me for a small price. I should feel better about all this... I'm going forward... but I guess I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Yea, yea, think positive, be persistent, yada yada... I know. Christ, do I know. All my life has been centered around goals that I don't seem quite able to obtain. Schooling, business, money, relationships, family. All just seems to get knocked back, again and again. 

I have great people around me, I live a fairly decent life, have fun and experience more than your average person I guess, but due to all this, I just can't seem to get a handle on a direct route to what I want. 


It always comes down to what I need to do for my family and so I am second. Not that that is a horrible thing, it just gets discouraging  I know things need to get done in order to do other things. I get it. But really, come on.... enough is enough. We Know! We get it! Let us move forward. Quit throwing wrenches in the spokes, it's really annoying. 

Anyway, I am thankful for the people in my life and the ones who are my  friends, who follow me and support me. My family and all of you who have added value to my life. 

Trying to pull myself out of this mood. Out of here~ Peace~ 

Restrictions

I don't know if this is a matter of perception or a double standard. My belief is this is a double standard. 

Years ago, I was married to a man from the middle east. When we met, I was a bouncer. Had been for several years, and worked for who I later found out was a relative of his, although that is being denied now, I still have not clue. Bottom line is, he was a bartender, and I was the bouncer. 

Anyway, we were together 2 years prior to getting married and I was warned, over and over again not to go through with it. I was raised not to judge, and I was not going to judge this one person on a whole country's faults.  (my bad) In retrospect, maybe I should have. 

As soon as we were married, in came the rules. I was not allowed to drink more than 2 drinks, I was not allowed to dress the way I dressed when we met, I was not allowed to go out with certain friends, because they would influence me the wrong way. Haaaha... really? Did I not have a mind of my own? Apparently in his perception, I did not. 

He wanted me to get a "feminine" job. IE; secretary, painting my nails and answering phones, wearing skirts and blazers and heels. We lived in a high end neighborhood and drove a Porsche. We owned an import/export Jewelry business and traveled to Trade shows all over the US. (or rather he traveled for the most part) I ran all the marketing and booking from home and continued my "regular" job. 

As the marriage progressed and we went deeper in debt, we would get in arguments about where the money was. You see, it was very simple, we either had stock, or profit, not zero profit and no stock. He was spending money on 300.00 dinners, and giving the jewelry away to bring back customers. He knew nothing of marketing, nor of being faithful I later found out. 

I worked for D.O.D at the time, and would find mail for him from New York with illegal substances in it. I was livid. He was risking everything I worked for. The bitch of it was, I was constantly criticized for everything I did, because it was a reflection on him, yet it was OK for him to do what he was doing. 

If your going to get married make sure you talk to your partner about the coming years and expectations. 

Needless to say this marriage ended as quick as it got started. I hate double standards. I give anyone a chance in a relationship, but I expect the same courtesy. If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander. Be careful of what you decide you want in life and what your boundaries are. Mine are simple. I give the same as I get. 

Excluded

Excluded; left out, left behind, not privy to, alone, lonely. Isolated. 

When someone is excluded from something, no matter the importance, small or great, these are the feelings they have. 

You would think at my age, that I would be beyond this, or above it, but I am not. I am human, like the rest of you, so when I am cut out of something that was important to me, whether by oversight or purposely, this is how I feel. 

When these things happen, my mind runs rampant with thoughts that might be best left un-thought, or un-said. Assumptions are made as to why I was not involved, or told, or asked or what ever the case may be. 

Who was involved, who am I being hidden from... silly thoughts, but mine nonetheless, and valid. To hear about it later, second hand, to not experience it, the way I wanted to, or needed to. That hurts. I feel insignificant, not valued, and invisible. Only here for amusement, or looks, or appearance. 

Who is that for? The public, or your own agenda. What's the point? When another person makes a choice based on their needs alone, and not the needs of people around them, they create a atmosphere of doubt. The consequence of the action, whether innocent or not can have long term affects. Think about this people, what we do or don't do, changes the course of life. Your action or inaction can ultimately hurt or help someone. 

Transparency, truth, honesty... no matter the reaction, is always the best policy and has the shortest and less painful consequence. Communicate, talk, tell, because if you do not, than nothing can change, and no one can move forward. 

I'd like a say in what happens in my life... it's been to long that I've allowed others to dictate how I feel, and what I choose to do. It's changing me, and I don't like it.I don't like me. 

Being Authentic ~ Peace