Life is devine Chaos.......forgive yourself

A little over 15 years ago, I trusted a man and vows that were said. A little over a year ago, those vows were broken. I was broken. It has taken me almost a year to put myself back together, along with my children and their needs. I have not had help doing this, and        people call me strong. 

 I'm not. Everyday, I have my moments of wondering if I am doing the right thing, hanging onto the family home, running my business, which at this point is failing miserably. There is not a day that goes by that I do not look at my children and feel the pain of the betrayal of their father.  I have forgiven him for what he did, and I have moved on, but my children have not. I am not OK, because I do not know how to fix the hurt that was done to them. I can only love them and be there in the way that my parents taught me.

Yesterday I had such a moment of weakness out shopping that I broke down in the store. This lead to a discussion with my mother in law about my home, and children. I don't know from one day to the next if I am going to have to up-root them and move them on. I know she said to trust her, but I am sorry, I just don't. 

I do know that I was raised for more than 25 years in the same home, same school district and same friends. I want this for my children, and anyone that thinks that children are that resilient and that capable of just letting go and moving forward is wrong. I know, because I see it. These children love this house, they love their friends, and teacher's and activities. 

I see the anger and rebellion from my granddaughter that I have custody of. Her trying to fit and find out who she is. Her mother did the right thing at the time by giving me the guardianship of her and letting me raise her, but there are some things that are beyond my power to do. She needs help and love and stability, and every day that goes by, I worry about whether I can provide this for her. 


My boys seem to do OK, although I know by their grades that the middle one is suffering, and quiet, and hard to reach. My youngest, is just that. He is still the baby, but there will come a time when he will need that father figure, whether it be his real one, or someone I am with to help him to his manhood. My oldest...... well, I am the proudest of him. He has taken on so much, and knows the pain of what I go through. He see's me when I have cried, and am distant. He see's me wanting to throw it all in, and walk away, but he knows I won't. I won't do to my children what my husband did.

We are both in relationships. Mine makes me happy. I didn't think I could be happier. I thought I was fine, but what I have now, means more to me than the vows that were taken that long ago day. The reason is this, I trust this man. I don't know if my ex is happy. I don't know if who I am with will be the person I am always with. I want to be. He is a very special and amazing man,  That much I know, but nothing is guaranteed. 

I hope my ex is happy, but I also know that the guilt he carry's over what he has done to our children will stay with him for his life, and regrets can ruin a person.  I don't want to see this happen. I want him to realize what the children need. Not to come back. I don't want that. I want him to be a dad and to communicate about what is right for them. 

This is not about us, it is about them. I wish he would see that. 


Yesterday I put up a post on facebook, that was pretty much self pity. I feel bad for that, I am not normally a person who falls into that pit.  I will be alone on Christmas.... this is the 1st time in my life I will be alone. I have always had family to be with. My parents are aging, and I will not be able to make it to see them, but I will call. I will call the people I love and let them know that I love them. That is what is important. No matter the kind of love, passion, desire, admiration, and all the different kinds of love there are, I will let them know. 

I just wanted people to know where my mind is right now. Maybe not a good place, but I will make it out of this. Somehow, someway. I will make it happen. 

Remember this, beautiful pictures are being developed from negatives in a dark room, So if you see darkness in your life, you can be sure that a beautiful picture is being developed by god. 

Someday, that picture, the one with the hands of commitment will happen again for me, I know, because I know how to love, not only myself, but the people in my life. 

Wishing all my loved ones a Merry Christmas and Happy New year, where ever you may be.  

This man

This has been one week from hell, let me say. Ha! Well I said it whether you liked it or not. 


We all have weaknesses and strengths, things we are good at and imperfections. No one is immune to it, admitting those are what is going to get you somewhere in this life.

With all the holiday cheer and craziness, we forget what is important about this time of year. Love, friends, empathy, compassion and giving from your heart. 

On Tuesday of this week, I had one of the roughest days I have had for the past year. The man I am dating, the man I am in love with was the one who came to me, to help me through it. All he had to do was be here. That was all. He did not have to talk to me, hold me, understand me, or any of the things that we expect in a relationship. All he had to do was show up. He did. 

I want to say, that by doing that, and all the other little things he does for me, are what stay in my heart, and always will. His calmness, and presence changed how I was perceiving what was happening around me, and that was more meaningful to me than anything anyone could have done. 

Thank you Rick, for being in my life. 

liars, game players, drama..... BS!

The one thing I will tell you about me, that most know, and some don't. I don't like liars! I never have, never will. 

When you lie, you have to tell more to cover up the 1st one. Whats the point? Really? When someone wants something in life, go out and get it. Don't lie about it. It may hurt the people around you, but dragging it out hurts more. 

It's like cutting your arm off. Would you prefer the a slow long slice, or a quick cut, all the way through and be done with it? 

Well this is where I stand. I don't lie. I won't lie, and if someone does not like it, well then to bad. That is me. 

I will give you 100% until you screw me over, then I am done, and what I mean by that, is, I am done. No lies, no games, no bullshit. Done, moving on. Period. 

Why cannot more people be like this. Life would be so much more simpler if they were. More people would be happier and healthier, if we just were true to ourselves and everyone else in our life.  

Be real people. Don't lie, honesty is the best policy. I know, cliche, but it is. 

Life

Its amazing what one person can do. Some people build you up just to bend and break you.

Some people bring out parts of you that you had no clue existed.

All throughout life, we meet people and every single one of them brings something to us, gives us some sort of purpose. We come across people that will hurt us so incredibly much that it seems unbearable to go on with our lives, but the truth is, we can overcome anything we want to if we believe in it enough.

If we have lost faith in ourselves, in who we are, then the most important thing in life is to find yourself, know who you are at all times and stand by that for the rest of your life.

No one has to right to tell you who you are and control your life, because its yours. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but yourself.

We sometimes let people get the best of us, destroy us, and change our opinions on what we believe is true.

Only you know whats right for yourself. You have the power, you make the choices and you learn.

Each experience we go through in a life is a lesson to be learned. We all make mistakes.

Why is that so hard for some to understand? No one should be judged by the mistakes they have made. Its past news.

Everything happens for a reason, and without the hard times, how will we ever realize our true strength?

Its only through a time of suffering when we realize how strong we truly are inside, when we realize how much we can actually put up with and deal with before we eventually get tired of it and move on.

Live life to it's fullest, it's the only one you have.

One Year ago today

So one year ago today, my life turned up-side down. I have to say it's been one hell of a ride. Literally.

I was married to Paul for 14 years. We have 2 boys together and we raised my granddaughter also. I considered my life to be normal. House, mortgage, jobs, bills, kids... ect. Pretty much the "white picket fence" life. Suburban. Mundane, boring.

Society has a pre-concieved notion of what marriage is. I know I did. I believed in my vows. For better or worse, but what do you do when the other person no-longer believes that way? You roll with it, like I did. I can't say it's been easy, but it was not hard either. I changed how I looked at things. I had too.

Today, I am in a better place than I was a year ago. I've healed. What I went through made me who I am now. I am enjoying my life. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, but that's life. My kids are better. We are moving on, growing and changing and having fun while we do it.

I have a man in my life that completes me. I love the freedom of loving him without expectation. I love that we are individuals, who can be apart and confident enough in each other to pursue what we want in life and still come together and be happy. Life is good today.

I'll leave you with this. A friend of mine wrote this and it is perfect for where I am at.

Life is so full of mystery, and it is so unpredictable, but what a wonderful thing it could be if it stands the test of time.

So few hearts find the courage to hold off the darkness of the unknown, and then get lost along the way. Make sure you stay on the path.

We all search.. sometimes it seems to the ends of the earth, but the nightmares of the past weigh so heavy and harden the soul, it shoves our chances of happiness to the side, prolonging our freedom from the chains that bind so tightly.

Forgive the demons that burden your heart with suspicion and pain, grasp what has been laid before you. Hold tightly for when you have lost it, it will be gone, many times forever.

So feel the warmth that you have so longed for, the tenderness of an embrace that comes from deep within, unleash the beast that has bound your soul, fill your eyes and heart with the happiness that that all the yesterdays took away, then realize and know the magic that you only dream of, and let it become your reality.

Thank you to Frank James (Rage on Stage) For sharing your musings with me.

Putting it in perspective

I have to say, that this weekend was one ENLIGHTENING weekend!

I have been in the process of getting the kids on the same page as me, since, well, for a YEAR NOW! (actually much longer, but we'll stick with the past year where it has been just me and the kids) It's sad when one adult undermines another, just because they have a difference of opinion in raising children. It's the kids that suffer the most when this happens.

Electronic age: <<<< Yea, that's what I wrote. OH? you thought this was about the kids? It is... I'll get there. So, growing up, as far back as when I was 4-5 years of age, we had a party line. What's that you say? You remember, the old rotary phone where you shared the lines coming into the neighborhood with your neighbors? Still don't know what it is? Well, no matter, because the point is this, we didn't have access to cell phones, game boys, Xbox, PS what the hell ever they are! We had a T.V, that you had to get up to change the channel on, a phone that you had to be in the house to use, and only with the parent's permission, and those were a PRIVILEGE! We EARNED THEM!

How did we earn them you ask? chores... CHORES! Yea, and we did the chores and did not threaten calling child protective services because one of us had a HARDER chore than the other, or it WASN'T fair! Good lord, the kids these days have it EASY, and they think we are virtually killing them! OH, and food? We ate what was put on our plates. Period. Why? Because, that's what mom and dad could afford, and if we weren't at the dinner table when mom put it on, then we were sh*t out of luck. We also said prayer's before each and every meal. Thanking god for what we have, not asking for what we DIDN'T have.

Let me say this. My kids are good kids. They have been through the wringer on some things, but they are basically good kids. BUT, they expect to much for to little. Sorry, is that selfish of me to say? Pfffttt.... too bad! This is their home. They have a roof over their head and food in their belly. Much more than a lot of people have in this day and age.

Last night when the kids got home from their weekend with dad, I sat them down and had a talk. No more electronics in this house, they will earn the right to use them, and that will be limited use, based on attitude and performance. I want my family back. I want peace and harmony in this house, and I can't get it with the constant bickering over game time, cell phone texting, calls, T V, ect.... so I am done. I'm taking them back to the dark ages as my kids say, but if that's what it takes to make these kids responsible productive adults, then that is what is going to happen.

As for what happens elsewhere in their life, that is up to the adults in the other households they are in. Would it be nice if all concerned were in agreement? You bet, but that is not the case, so I focus on what I can do in my home. Period. I don't have time or energy to worry about what goes on outside of here.

My status today is this:

A little girl wanted to know what the United States looked like. Her dad tore a map of the USA from a magazine and then cut it in into small pieces. He told her to go to her room and see if she can put it together. After some minutes she returned and handed the map correctly fitted and taped together. The dad was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. She said on the other side was a picture of Jesus and when I put him back then our country just came together.

This is how my home is going to be from now on. God's here, and he stays. My kids need the simple things in life, and so do I. They need to be kids. Buying them everything under the sun does not make them kids. Teaching them responsibility and accountability is what will give them peace and allow them to be unfettered and free to be kids.

Back to school..... I had to use the word quiet this morning!

1st day back to school! What can I say, this is my 2nd favorite time of year. NO KIDS IN THE HOUSE!!!

Most parents I know look forward to this day all summer. Sending the kids off is equal to semi retirment in my eyes. I get the house to myself, come and go as I please, and SLEEP if I want to!

This year, my kids are all old enough to where I don't have to worry about going to the schools with them, getting them organized, making sure the backpacks have all the neccsessites, ect... I can kick back and relax. They have reached the age of self suffeciency. BWAHHH HAAA HAAA.... who the hell am I kidding?

SO this morning starts off feeling like a Monday, and let me tell you, it deserves an oscar for it's preformance. (Borrowed that line) lol... but it fits. Up at 5am, coffee on, news, quiet..... sweet, then it begins. 1st kid up. (my children are on staggered school schedules) Antony leaves at 6:30am, Jacob leaves at 7:30 am, and Alexis and Gabriel leave at 9am. By the time Antony is out the door, they are ALL up! Dang, why can't they sleep a little bit? However, they did pretty good on being quiet, until Jake decides he is leaving early to meet Jefferey. THEN it begins.

In and out the door, my forever negotiator..... (

In the meantime, the dog needs to go out, Alexis gets up, *looks at me* says, I'm going back to bed. (Thank god!) and then Jake is out the door.

What a morning, and it's not even 7:30 am yet. Gabriel and Alexis leave at 8:55am, and then I have MY time. I had a list of things to do today, but you know what? I'm done for the morning. It can all wait till later.

I had all my tabs open on the computer, facebook, hootsuite, eBay, gmail, blogger, ect... I was working away. Now it's quiet again... SHHHH..... probably not for long since I just jinxed it and typed that one out, but I am making a fresh pot of coffee, and going to sit in the fresh air. I'm going to enjoy my 1st day without a thing to do. No, I don't want to hear it, the list? yea, does not exsist now, nothing to do. K? My day.

Letting go

We have all been in that spot. You know the one, where you want to chuck it all and say F*K it.

We'll I've been in that spot for a few weeks now... Yea, I know the drill, it is what it is. Let the cards fall where they may, blah blah blah... but there are time's that we end up here and it becomes hard to get out of here.

So, This blog is to do that. Get me out of here. HA! <-------- nope, didn't work.

I've always always just rolled with things. My whole life. Still rolling with it. School is starting soon, so trying to get the kids back on track and schedules straightened out. Adjusting to new circumstances in my life. New routines.

Working on the blingmybra campaign and making decisions about my future. Big changes coming, and hoping these are all for the better. What I do know, is God has control of this one, not me, never have, but he's got it even more so now.

So, I am out tonight. Have to be, need to be, getting my head together. Hopefully. Have a good night all~

Gypsy..........Back to growing up

It's funny the way life is. I have written a few things on my younger brother and myself and our past. We did a lot together, and hung out with a lot of the same people, yet our lives still took somewhat different separate paths.

Lately, because of the past years events for both of us, we are seeing more and more of each other. Life has a way of scooping up everything you know, shaking the shit out of it and throwing it back out in front of you. The best part is, seeing how all the pieces realign themselves and where it all leads.

Last year I would never have thought I would be where I am right now. My brother and I were both married, both thinking long term, and now that has all changed. For both of us. I personally would not have it any other way. I'm loving my life and the people in it. They have become like family and closer in my heart than I thought possible.

Randy is back with me again too. I love the hell out of him. Yes, he's critical, yes, he can be hard, but he's my brother and I accept him for who he is. I do not try to change him, even the faults I accept. We all have them. Working on them and making them better is what counts.

We have both re-defined our goals. Our roots are still in-tack, our belief system is still the same and our core has not changed. How we look at life has. 27 years ago, Randy and I both went to night clubs on Hewitt ave in Everett, now we have come full circle. It's funny too... some of the same people are still there, after all these years, and some are new, but it seems to have come full circle.

I have 3 goals now. One, is my health and getting better, two, is giving 100% support to a man who deserves it more than anyone I have met in my life. Three is being in that mans life as an equal, before my life is over. I want my family to be apart of this too. My brother and my father especially. They know me the best, out of all the people I have known, and even though Randy and I may seem like we are at odds, we are not, it is our dynamic. We both learn from each other.

Most who have read my blog, know the man I am talking about, and I believe in destiny. Things happen for a reason. My brother back, the scene I left years ago, all of it, has brought me to this person, and I am blessed and thankful that it has.

http://youtu.be/c2aLIpiQT-E

Gypsy.......... It's The Law

So this one is about my son, my oldest. Antony....

His father, Mohamed Ahmed, whom I was married to, back in the early 90's, Is from Egypt. The United States never signed the Hague convention with Egypt, therefore, we have no extradition law. In 1996, Antony's cousin Dowsha was kidnapped and taken into international airspace by her father, her mother, Janet never saw her until last year when Michelle Obama stepped in, and requested a visit between her and her daughter in Egypt in Magdy's home.

Antony's dad and several other men from the middle east were and some still are on the FBI watch list. Antony has all his files and fingerprints with the missing children's organization.

Every year, for the last 10 years, (Antony is 16 on the 9th of August) His father has wanted to take him to Disneyland. Every year, his dad has failed to follow the law concerning the court documents and been unable to do so.

So, 3 weeks ago, Antony came home from a visit with his dad, and said to me, I'm going to Disneyland and you are not suppose to know about it. Haaaaaaa.... wow, so, I'm thinking, here we go again. I said good luck with that, because if your dad try's to get you on a flight without my written permission, FILED in the court, a month prior to the leaving date, with itinerary, then they will stop him and arrest him. Have fun.

So about 2 days later his dad calls me all nice and sweet and says, hey.... I need a favor. I say sure, whats up? He's says I'd like to take Antony to Disneyland. I said OK, give me the itinerary and I'll write out the permission and file it. OK, so were pushing the dates here, but Antony is almost 16, and I figure he knows the score by now. Well Mohamed starts his usual, patronizing BS, and I know something is up right away. 1st, I was not suppose to know, now he wants me to do the permission over the phone. I think not.

Well I get home, and Antony shows me his email, where low and behold, there are two different flight plans booked.... hmm... so I call his dad and play it off, saying I have the plan and come get the permission, and I'll file the paperwork. Well, he picks another fight, off topic, his job, his income, (he drives a 50,000.00 BMW, and owes 8000.00 back child support, plus he owes the IRS on his taxes because he was audited on his home office. another Law....the Dumbshit) and anyway, back to the de-railed phone call, he's going to quit his job, yada yada... and I'm making this hard for him, yada yada.... and so on.

This goes on for the past 3 weeks... well, I left over the weekend with my boyfriend and did not get back until Sunday. I come home and Antony's dad is here and now wants verbal permission, yet he is standing there with the written permission, that is still not filed. So basically I told him F U and walked away. Oh, and he was not suppose to pick Antony up until this Friday, yet takes him right then.

So tonight, Antony calls me and says hey mom, I'm not suppose to tell you this, but were driving. Dad has canceled everything. SO, I hear Mohamed in the background, and he starts yelling at Antony, and my son says shut up dad, it's the law. So I say, put your dad on. He does, and Mohamed is nice for all of one second flat then fly's off the handle.

So here is my position on this. He has not read the parenting plan, he does not ever follow through with what he says to his son, and he is now trying to blame me for his canceled trip, which he probably never had booked to begin with. Antony has now called me 4 times trying to get me to file the paperwork, which is out of the question, not because of me, it is because there is no time to get it to the courts, have a judge sign it with a filed itinerary, them to leave on time and be back on time.

Now, here is the other thing about this whole hinky mess this year. My son is in ROTC.. his father disapproves of this. Has from the get go. He gave me two different flight plans, wants to quit his job, owes our government, and cannot pay his child support, and now has canceled everything.... Would any of you reading this make an attempt to still allow your son to go at this late of a date, knowing what could happen?

To all the dad's out there that read this, I know a lot of you are good dads and read what is written, I also know that the ones who pull this crap, I can only say it will come back to bite you in the ass one day. Karma's a bitch.

Gypsy.................................Bling My Bra

This is my mother, at the age of 83, she is 85 now.

So, two years ago, I started in a group on the internet, that does bling my bra for the Susan Komen Foundation. All the bra's that are made, are hand done by each member of the group, and auctioned off on Ebay.

Last year I was un-able to take place in this due to personal reasons. This year I am back in the game and I am more than ready to get this going. This is a very near and dear cause to me.

45 years ago, my mother had a mastectomy. Back then, most women did not survive breast cancer. My mother did, and is still alive today. I myself have been on tamoxifen for a very different reason, but believe there is a cure out there, and the more we contribute, the more we have a chance of finding one.

This is going to be a short post, but to those of you who support the cure, please follow my blog and hit the like on the facebook page for me. See links below.

Special thanks to all involved in donating and making of these bra's.

Special Thank you to our Founder: Beth Cherkowsky
This years Officers:
Kathy Simpson - CEO and Chief Bling Officer CBO
eBetsy Bolger - VP Media Relations
Beverly England - VP Marketing and Talent Coordinator
Danni Ackerman - VP West Coast Operations
Karen Locker - COO and Chief Squirrel Tamer

Facebook page, please hit the like on it, and follow our progress.

http://facebook.com/blingmybra

Please feel free to contact any of the Officers for more information.

Also, please bid, all the money is donated to research. Thank you~

Gypsy............all over

I started this recent set of blogs to let people know who I am and what shaped me. Right now, I am skipping all over, due to certain events in my life. I am still writing about my childhood and growing up, but this one has to do with a certain friend who I just started to get to know and is now moving out of the state.

Lloyd DeBarr.... musician and friend. What a guy. So... Last week at Marco's in Lynnwood Wa, Rick and I had gone down for the evening to see him off. His band, NSANE' was playing the last two nights with him, prior to his move.

This has to do with my friendships too. So Rick and I walk in, and the place is packed. Lloyd was on the dance floor on a break chatting with people. He saw me and Rick, and gave me a huge hug. Then says, I have something for you. He tells me, on the next break, he'll present it to me.

Well.. imagine my curiosity... not having known him long, my mind is wandering here. wondering what heck could he possibly have. In the meantime, the band starts up again, Lynn Sorensen, and Lloyd and Doug Mcgrew, and Marino.. Great band, and I have to say, I'm going to miss them.

The next break rolls around and Llyod and I head outside with Rick. We go to Lloyds car, and imagine my surprise when he pulls out his Louisville slugger and hands it to me. (I won't say what he said, he knows, Rick knows, and yea.. lol.. well, inside joke,) but the meaning behind this bat that is now mounted above my bed, means more to me than anything I have received in several years.

I find out later the meaning of the bat to Lloyd also, and I am just stunned at his thoughtfulness and generosity. I don't know what to say about how my life is changing and taking different paths than I imagined, but I am so grateful for the people who are in it now. This is what friends are for.

The men and women in my life, thank god have lived a life parallel to mine and know the meaning of true friendship. They know how to step up. All this has to do with god, and how we live our lives. Integrity and honesty, and although things may change in the future for me, and the people I have who surround me, I will always love and cherish the memories of this time.

Peace~

Gypsy......I'm human

Short and sweet.

Don't put me on a pedestal...I screw up just like anyone else. The difference is, I admit it, and make improvements. It's life.

I made a mistake last night, based on miss information, and I have made amends for that. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say.... it was done, and now I live with it. My regret is, it affected some very important people in my life, and I can only hope that there is some forgiveness and understanding on where I was at...

No one is perfect. Everyday all day. Don't hold me to those standards, you'll be sorely disappointed. I can only acknowledge my part and move on from there.

Trying to keep it simple.

Forgiving and forgetting are Parallel ~Matt:6-14 Forgive yourself

Gypsy...................Friends

Way back in my blog archives, I did a post on friendship. I had to end one that I thought was solid. This blog is going to be similar, although I am not ending a friendship, it's about new ones I have started.

Back in my teens, I'd say this was the summer before 7th grade. We had new neighbors move in next door to us. There were 4 kids, although one was already grown, but living at home. Two girls and Two boys. The younger ones, a girl and a boy, befriended my brother and me. (Randy, whom you've sorta met in another blog) Randy was close to David, and I became close to DeeDee.

DeeDee and I ran together until pretty close to the ending of my senior year, although there was a period in middle school where we had a falling out. Minor, but it was a pivotal moment in my life, and shaped the woman I am now. She had told me something, and asked that I not repeat it. Long story short, I did. I think looking back on it, it was a period of time where I was still figuring out who I was and where I fit in in life, and giving up a confidence was a way of trying to fit in. As young girls do. The falling out with DeeDee, didn't last more than a few weeks, but it impacted me in a huge way.

God is a huge part of my life. He's 1st. Honesty and integrity in everything I do is 2nd. There are times where I have had to be blunt and have come off sounding un-caring, but it has to do with how I live my life. The people in it now, are people who I believe will be in it for good. Whether that is in a relationship, or a friendship. Truth hurts, but it's the best policy. I won't have people in my life that don't reciprocate the same level of honesty and caring.

I have had to re-define my relationships in the past year, and weed out the people who only care for themselves or who are friends with me for their own gain. It was not easy, but it was the best. I am happier than I have ever been in my life and would not have it any other way. I love the people who are in it and have no plans to change how things are or how I live.

Don't wait for the world to change for you. Live your life with good intentions, see good in everything and everyone and work for positive change in your world....and you will never fail.

Put God 1st, surround yourself with people who also put God 1st, live with honesty and integrity and you'll always have peace of mind. Love and peace to my friends and loved ones.

Gypsy....... .........alone....(revised)

A very short post on some current events in my life. My step daughter, who will always be a daughter to me, was married this weekend. All my children were in her wedding.

I didn't go. I could have.... she invited me, but I did not feel it was appropriate considering the circumstances. I spent Friday, the day of the rehearsal trying to keep my mind off it. I spent Saturday, in a very melancholy mood, and at one point, was in tears.

In many many ways it was a blessing to me when her father left me 8 months ago, but this was one of the events in her life that I will miss, and because of that, I'm alone. Alone in having someone to share that with, alone in dealing with the pain. This is part of my past now, and moving past it has been fairly easy, except for this one. This one hurt.

It also made me realize that although I have people in my life who love and care for me, it will always be just me, taking care of me. No one else can.

Through out my life, no matter what has taken place, what paths I choose, what people were in it..... It's always been me. I'm the one who has picked up the pieces and moved on. I'm the one doing it this time.

The people who have trampled on me, taken me for granted, and ripped me up, are no longer a part of my life. The ones who do it now, will also be out of my life. It only takes once with me. Don't fuck it up. You are the one who have to answer to god for what was done. I don't judge people, it's not my place, I can sleep at night..... can they?

Trust is earned, and I am having a hard time trusting anyone at the moment. Do me a favor... don't make promises you can't keep, don't say things you don't mean, and don't make plans without letting me know what they are when they are plans that affect my life. Keep it simple. It's called integrity.

http://youtu.be/OYjZK_6i37M

Gypsy.......... early memories of summer times

Yesterday I spent the day with my youngest son, Gabriel. He's my baby. (9 years old ) but I didn't think I could have another one, so he was my surprise. We spent the day doing yard work. I love my home and yard. I have spent the last few weeks working on the inside of my home, and decided I needed to be outside.

My grass had gotten to the point where I felt like dragging the 9 motors out of the garage and hanging them in the tress! Good lord this place has gotten bad! Slowly though, I am making it mine again.




When I was a child, I loved being outdoors. My dad had 5 acres at the time in Lk.Stevens, our home was on a dead end road, and we were always in the woods. We always had chores to. Every August, dad would start preparing for winter. He'd fall the big cedars on the property, the ones that he knew would come down in a good strong storm. We used to help him. Our job was filling the wood shed after dad would fall the tree and cut it up. We were taught how to use all the tools! I loved this. Dad was so good about making sure we knew how to take care of ourselves.

One summer, he was cutting wood, and this was back when the chainsaws had no guards on them. He had put the saw down and it was on idle. He told us kids not to go near it, to pick up the rounds over by the tree. Well..... I was all of 6, I remember that, and you KNOW how 6 year old's are. Looky, rounds by the chain saw. Hmm.. they need picking up to. So off I go to do this, and I trip on the blackberry vines. The fall was in slow motion to me. I can remember on the way down, with my hands out to catch my fall, thinking, blackberry stickers... chainsaw.... blackberry stickers... chainsaw.. well, by the time I had decided the stickers, it was to late, so I hit the chainsaw. Yessss... on the blade. Silly me. Nice little puncture that required a trip to the emergency room, 2 stitches and a trip to Baskin and Robbins. *grin* Now, I have a nice little "race car" scar in the middle of my left palm. This was also back when the stitches were done with black thread, not that disappearing stuff like they have now. So the line from the cut has a line across at both ends, and my skin is puffed where the thread was knotted, so it looks like a race car. I show my boys all the time. Especially when they play with the machete and other knives around here.

Yesterday was a blast. Gabriel was a huge help, except for me taking the sledge hammer from him, and having to keep an eye on him with the machete. I did not look when I set the chain saw down and he was hauling the rounds for me. Just because I figured if I did, or said, "don't" go over there, history would repeat itself.

My lawn mowers are broken, so I weed whacked the whole yard. By the time I got the two stroke and gas mix, and bar oil, it was hitting 630pm and I wanted to finish off the rounds of apple wood I had sitting here from last year. It was a great day, and very satisfying!

So my boy is learing how to be a man, and he loves it. Today we haul rocks out from behind the overgrown blackberry bushes, and finish off my pond.

Gypsy.........summer's after high school

Back to summer. My favorite time of year. The summer after high school, I was on the move. I had dated a guy that was in college, during the last 6 months of my senior year, nice, clean cut, had a job.....AND, he asked me to marry him, and I bolted.

Well, I didn't bolt Per-Se, but the running joke now is I was traded in a car deal to my daughters dad. I took one look at Mike, and thought oh shit! I am in trouble. Proverbial bad boy, with a sensitive side. Why me god? Ha! Mechanic, drummer, (another circle happening here, a blog for later) *grin* Now Mike never did anything with his music, and he could have, but he did pursue his master's mechanics degree.

We lived in a house on Wetmore, in Everett, and I was working at Panama's. This was back when you could sign the blue slip that makes you responsible for being in a bar. Mike was doing some stuff he shouldn't have, and ME, clueless blond chic from sheltered home, opens the door to the police when they showed up looking for him and sweetly says, "Oh, yea, he's here"..*sweeps hand towards garage in the back of the house*..... Silly me. So court ensues, and Mikes parents come up from Ocean shores, and the judge releases Mike on his own recognizance into his parent's custody, so off we go to Grays Harbor.

What times I had down there, some good, A lot not so good, most just wild and crazy. One incident was over a 2000.00 corvette motor that Mike and I had, and BAM, Hoquiam and Aberdeen, and Montesano Police forces, all in our face with guns drawn, and me pregnant with my daughter, and I was done pretty much. Wild life fun, but a bit too much for me. A little ditty in the local paper about a LK. Stevens woman.. < Me, and back to daddy I went. Time to grow up. Me, not him, he's still out there having fun. Love him to death, but most the time, want to choke the hell out of him. *laughs* These days, he's called Grandpa Twitchy, and is also referred to as my never was in-law out-law.
It's all good. More later~

You don't have to Cry, by CSN

http://youtu.be/1awtlA6Nr64

Gypsy....jumping forward ~Lifes Paths~

The events in my life that you will read about, will eventually bring you to the here and now. This is a quick post, and then I am off for a few days.

It chronicles who I am, who I have always been. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Some of it was painful, but most of it was beautiful. I don't hate people, I dislike certain actions. God has been in my life from my earliest memory. I have never questioned him. The paths I took, long or short, still put me where he wanted me. We don't control where we are going, or who we are with, or how we live our lives. God does, he always has. Our life is predetermined, or predestined if you will.

Each person in my life is there for a reason, whether I wanted it or not. To teach me, guide me, and shape who I am. We were given free will and choices, but each choice made, brings us to where he wants us. Something to think on. What we want, and what he wants, can be two entirely different things. Learn to forgive, yourself and others. You'll be so much more at peace with who you are. Don't take life for granted, live out loud. Love out loud. We may not be here tomorrow. Give with all you have.

Jesus said, "My peace I give you, Do not let thy hearts be troubled" John 14:27

Make every day a new day, a new sunrise, and may it be blessed with beauty and peace.

Gypsy... more of me

I'm going to jump back here to a few of my high school years and my brother Randy. The reason for this is I got to see him last night for the 1st time since last summer, or close to, as far as a visit goes, so more memories popped up, and well, I can do that. It's my blog. SO MANY CIRCLES IN MY LIFE!

So... let's see, I think maybe my sophomore year or junior, not real sure of the time frame. Memories tend to blur as we get older, but their still good ones. As I said, Randy and I were close, and, yea... I guess it had to be my junior year since Randy was 2 years younger than me. I was on the drill team, and flag core. Our drill team captain was a dear friend of mine Kristie, who is still a dear friend. Man was she good with choreography. Plus I had joined the powder puff football team. <<< We had a tradition in Lake Stevens, the junior girls always played the senior girls, and the seniors always won. (not this time, but that is for later) Anywayyyyy... so back to me and Randy.

By my junior year I was getting pretty wild. I still kept my grades up, except for general studies..... kinda let those go by the wayside and always slid by when it came to passing. My good grades were from my arts programs that I had 5 classes a day in. Most of the time though I was busy socializing and having fun. This is also when I threw the towel in for good on staying away from anything I should have. Yea,... I was partying, to say the least, and of course Randy was right there with me.

We always played frizzbie on the commons between the classrooms and the office. Randy, me, Dena, Nicci, Janie, and a whole bunch of others. Invariably we were constantly late to class. (I'm wondering if I should change names here to protect the NOT so innocent... ) nah, my memories, my right. OK, so ya, back to school. Let me state this before ya'll get in a tizzy here. We weren't always causing trouble, or getting into mischief, we were basically good kids, having a bit of fun. I know we started skipping classes every once in awhile, and usually around spring breaks or towards the end of the school year.

So... places, morrows meadows, Lk road, the bridges, 7th heaven... << these were our party spots. For some reason, even though Randy and I didn't have a car, we always found someone with one, and always a fast one. Hot rods! << Remembering D.J's mustang, (another story) but, yea, muscle cars were in, and most of the people Randy and I hung out with were seniors, or already out of school, so we always had rides to the party spots.

My Senior year, my girlfriends dad who owned studio 59 in Everett, sold it, and bought Buzzy's on Broadway and made it a all ages club. At the time he was in competition with Cheetah's in Marysville, ( another circle in my life, and will write about that later) but, opening night, was a school night and I had promised mom and dad that if Randy could go, I would have him home by midnight. (I didn't) as you can guess.. *snicker* but managed to slide by getting into to much trouble over that one.

So, by this time I was running with my daughter's father, and I was in Everett at his house he shared with 5 other people. He was drinking and I decided I was going to drop acid. <<< OMG... yes, I said that, and did it. (a few times) ANYWHOOO... so I had had Buzz's daughter's boyfriend at the time, pick Randy up, and I met them down at the club. By the time I got there, I was peaking, and Buzz's smoke machine went on the blitz, and the club filled up. WOW.. I of course lost Randy. I think I only saw him once. By the time I had hitched a ride home with Dan, another friend of mine, I knew I was in deep doo doo. Ahyup... Mom and dad were up. Shit! I walk in, and go up stairs to my room.. or try to.. *peaks* in living room, sorta waves to mom and dad, and starts to open room door. DAD, "where's your brother?"... sigh.. so I said he has a ride home and will be here. DAD, "he was suppose to be with you".. Dang.. umm.. yup, well see here's the thing dad... Buzz had trouble with the smoke machine, and I kinda sorta lost Randy and got a ride home with someone else...

Yea, that was quite an evening. Randy finally made it home, and not sure what he had done, but he was under the influence to. The dummy comes in and SITS with mom and dad, and I had to go get him out of the living room and send him to bed before he got us totally busted.

Man, those were some times... more to come, that's it for now.

Gypsy

This one is all about me.

I decided to do this, not only for me, but for the people who are in my life now.

I was born in Seattle Washington, on February 1st, 1965. My birth mother named me Veronica. (I am so not a Veronica, it makes me think of the Archie comics, and she was a bitch. I'm not. HA!) << Maybe a little, but always for the greater good.
I was in a foster home for 10 months and then the state closed it down for neglect.

Where my life began, was with my parents, Marjorie and Kenneth Surdyk. They adopted me. I was raised in Lake Stevens Washington.

Having been born an Aquarius, I was always attuned to my surroundings and the people in my life. There were times, my perception and observations were un-canny. I think I have said this, but I'll say it again. I'm loyal, kind and compassionate, I give 110% to everything I do and everyone I come in contact with. I'm mercurial and have a wild streak. I'm strong willed and independent. I'm an artist at heart, and music is in my soul. I thrive on visual and touch. I accept people for who they are and expect the same.... nuff said. You'll just have to get to know me.

Now to my up-bringing. Mom and dad raised us in your typical suburban manner. We lived in a 2 story home that my father built, on acreage. I had 2 brothers who were also adopted, both from different family's. My oldest brother and I were not all that close, still aren't, but that is another blog. My youngest brother was my partner in crime. We played for hours in the woods around our home, rode bikes and built forts. Our home was a block away from the beach and we spent many a day on the docks, just hanging out. We climbed trees, and shot at the neighbors mail box from the top limb of a creaky old cedar. (shhh.... ) but it was fun, and normal. We called that tree our man o war. Not sure where we got the name, but there you have it.

In the summers, my father would take time off and we would travel. I have been in every state except Alaska. My favorite spots were in the west, the ghost towns and the history we got to see and feel. In the winters, it was pretty normal, school and church. Mom also put all three of us in piano. I played for 14 years. We also had swim, dance, ballet, and tap. All private lessons that mom took us to after school. I remember when I was in Sunday school, and my teacher talked to us about being adopted. To me it was no big deal, it was the same as knowing the sky was blue, and god was in my life. It just was. Every Sunday after church, dad would take us to McDonald's and then go for a drive. Later mom would cook a roast for Sunday dinner.

Weekends we'd visit cousins. Most of dads family was in the Snohomish area. We would sneak out from my aunts house and go down the road to Gar Cemetery where my grand parents were buried. We also took my little cousin Gayleen. She was 3 I think, and we would play hide and seek in the graveyard, and then leave Gayleen there. << This makes me laugh, because Gayleen and I were talking about it a few years ago and her mom was sitting there and it was the 1st she knew of it. God, what a memory that was. We also used to scare her on Thanksgiving with the bear rug we had at home. Mom would send one of us down to the fruit cellar, and we'd grab that rug and holler for Gayleen. So... yea, these are events that shaped me. Boy was I an imp. (still am)

As we got older, my younger brother and I became closer and closer. My older brother would watch us. Ha! We would sneak out and take the bikes and ride around the lake. We were always home before mom and dad got home. I don't know if Tim ever knew. One year, Randy got a wild hair and decided to hot wire dads car. We took it up to frontier village and did brody's in the parking lot. He rolled it.. sheesh, we took it home hoping that dad would never find out. Still not sure if he did.

Anyway, as I reached middle school and high school, I got involved in the arts programs more and more. I have certificates in Calligraphy and actually put them to use here a few years ago and taught classes through parks and rec here in Marysville. In middle school, I was shy and sheltered. I was hanging out with the under dog's and we would hang out in the smoking area. I still had not experienced anything, but I sure wanted to. By the time I hit 8th grade, I decided that I wanted to have a bit of fun. One of my friends older brother's had a flat bed,LD we called him, (Larry David) and he would pick us up after school, and sometimes during school, (not often, because my mother worked for the schools and dammit, knew everything I did!) So not cool! Anyway, we would drink home made strawberry wine, and kick it in the sun. (for some reason there is a lot of sun in my memories, so bear with me.)

Now for high school! Hmm... the best years of my life? I think not... but anyway, they sure were fun. My class started at the New high school. We were the 1st class to go all 4 years there. (I wanted to go to the pink palace, but by that time the lines had changed, and within the 1st year of my 9th year they had closed it down) In 9th grade, I pretty much stuck to the curriculum, but I was held up to the teachers by my older brothers standards, and that ticked me off. I was me, not him, but I constantly got, "Oh?" "Your Tim Surdyk's little sister?" Lord I hated that. Another thing that shaped me. Sigh... lol.. anyway, so by 10th grade I had pretty much had enough of that crap and started making a name for myself. Lordy, and did I. Hmm.. ........tell or not to tell. Oh, screw it. So my 1st big "entrance" came at the high school homecoming game. An ambulance was called and I was taken home with a respiration of 8. By all rights I should have been dead, but god was looking out for me.(and my mother, who flashed a flash light in my eyes all night long, and then dragged my ass to church the next day!) A friend of mine got me plowed, and I passed out on the 50 yd line. Funny, but SO not funny at the time, and scared the pants off my parents. Of course they never really knew why I did this, and still don't. They thought I was influenced, and what they never got was I ALWAYS made my own decisions. I think my dad gets me now, in fact I know he does, and I love him all the more for it. Anyway, 10 years after this event, I was at the mall and a couple of girls were in the restroom with me, and they both looked at me and said, "aren't you the chic who???"... yea.. lol.. that was me. Shit.... (for some reason, people always remember me when I am in a bathroom to. Weird shit. << More to that statement later.

So, I made it through high school unscathed... pretty much, a few bumps and bruises, but still kicking and still attempting to make a name for me. By graduation, Tim had moved on to college, and I quit 19 days prior to graduating. (another blog) << HA!

I went to college over the summer of 1983, and was also 1st Miss runner up in the Miss lake Stevens contest, and then had to step in and fulfill the duty's of Miss Lake Stevens, who had left for college. In the meantime, I was running all over Lake Stevens with my daughter's father, (who also is another blog) and getting pretty wild. How I escaped all this with a clean record, I'll never know, but I did. Probably has to do with my faith in god.

So, that is my early life... stay tuned, I plan on walking you through to where I am now.

The Dark Side.................bittersweet

I jumped off line today, because I was feeling sick. Sinus flared up, throat sore, and coughing and headache.. a bit of dizziness. I have been attempting to sleep ever since..... dozed here and there, but no go. My thoughts are all over the place right now.

I know I came down with this again, because it was not really gone, but also because I have been cleaning the house for two days and the dust made it all flare up again. I started with my room, and removed all of Paul's things. There was not a lot left in here, and it was out of my way so it didn't really bug me, but I needed the whole room done, so I did. During this, I came across some things that enlightened me to just how wrong I was about my perception of my failed marriage. All along I kept thinking it was me. Women do that ya know, we tend to blame ourselves.

When he left 8 months ago, it was totally out of the blue. Broadsided me, and threw me for a loop. A lot of close friends saw what it did to me, and to our children. I was over the whole blaming myself issue, and then this. I am laying here wondering if the whole 14 years was a sham, a big lie..... and I am stunned all over again. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me, what did I do so horrible in my life, to anyone to have this happen???

Don't get me wrong, I am over him. BIG TIME, I am just NOT over the how and why of it. I have been told my whole life I am a truth seeker, a nun of 27 years said she had never met anyone like me who reflected as much as I did. Maybe this is not a good thing. I look at all these pictures and memories, and all the years we had, and think "WHO THE FUCK WERE YOU??" << THAT is a question to him, to me, to both of us, and I don't think I will get an answer from him. I am trying desperately to get an answer from myself, and not coming up with anything.

Was I really that naive and blind?? How does a person change who they are like that, so was he like that all along? WOW.....

So, looking at the rest of this home that I am trying to make for me and my children,  if that is god's plan, I think that I will have more days like this, dark and scary, and lonely, but I also know myself well enough to know that I can pull out of this. Maybe not right away..... some emotions are a bit overwhelming at the moment... the hurt and sadness of what happened, but I am looking to the happiness I found, and my new friends and new life that awaits to get me through this.

So in ending I will say this; Wisdom does not come in a dazzling flash, but slowly, the way a plot of earth is covered with creeping sprouts, until it is finally transformed into a brilliant emerald green rug. I am not defined by my name or by shameful experience, but instead by hopes and dreams, by aspirations, self respect and perseverance. I am not clay in another persons hands, I am a rock and by my own hands I will sculpt the woman I will become.

Paying it forward

For the last few weeks I have sat by helpless as a very close friend of mine faced a crisis in another state and I could do nothing. Between phone calls and listing and selling, and net-working I became more and more frustrated with the situation.

I met Roy on-line through talkshoe, way back (wow, 4 years?.. seems like yesterday) when an auctioneer friend was doing a series on Antiques. Getting to know him in the chat, and net-working with him on other sites, ie: Facebook, twitter, multipy, and other groups. I came to care about him and his wife. These two are a very special and rare couple. Married 37 years, and still going strong.

In February of 2010, I started chatting with Roy on a more personal level. We were in a group together, and he helped me get through some very tough spots in my life. The moral support and observations of someone on the outside looking in, kept me focused and level headed in my decision making. In April of 2010, after a bone marrow biopsy, Roy took over my listing for me. During this time, my marriage started to falter. I finally closed shop for good in August of of 2010, to focus on the home front. Roy took over everything for me. Up to now, he has continued to do so, even dealing with his own crises.

So now it's time for some pay back. I made some calls to a few close friends, my business partner in New York, and my best friend in Alabama, and we hit behind the scenes, to help this couple out.

I won't go into the details of Roys personal journey right now, but I will say, that he got me through mine, and I, and others close to him will get him through his.

If you can help in anyway, housing in the Cape May area, monetary donations, ect; then please do so. We have all hit struggles in our life at one point or another and we all need to know that there are people who love and care for us, regardless of where we reside.

I am putting Roys Paypal addy on here, or you can email me at gypsygirlmuse@gmail.com to help if you'd like.

roybaker@comcast.net

you can also find him here: http://myworld.ebay.com/2woofers
you can find me here: http://stores.ebay.com/GypsyByways

A portion of my sales will go to and continue to help Roy through out the coming months.

Thank you to any and all help.

He's leaving me.............

This is for Antony, AKA, Ahmed, A-town, Cotton, Pizza, and the rest of my boys that I have gotten to know in the last 3 years.

On Thursday, May 12 2011, I watched as my 15 year old 1st born son, became a 2nd class petty officer and his unit won the most distinguished unit award since 2007.

Watching the ceremonies, and awards being given, the slide show of the past year, and seeing all the kids, I have driven around to parking duties, volunteer clubs, food drives, and other ROTC events, it struck me so hard that my son is a young man, and will be leaving me in 2 years, My heart broke. Sitting there with tears streaming down my face, I thought.. wow. He's a young man, and going on with his life, and what the F*K am I going to do with out him???

Antony.. What to tell you about this kid. I fought for him my whole life, his whole life, and when things got rough for us this past year, he stepped up and became my rock. He's an amazing young man. (I know, I call him a boy) but he's not, he's so much more.

He's smart, intuitive, sensitive, strong, and loyal. He's a smartass, like me, he knows how to roll with the punches, and he's tough. I taught him how to love life, no matter what comes our way, and he does.

I never thought I would miss my kids. I love them all in different ways. Krystal is my 1st born daughter, and I am proud as hell of her. Antony is my 1st born son, and again, I am proud as hell of him. Jacob, is my 1st born son by Paul, and so he holds a special place too. Gabriel is the baby of the family, and of course, also holds a that special place. Alexis, is my 1st born grand child, another special place.

I am not your typical soccer mom, not June Cleaver, nor Betty Crocker, HA! Nope.. so I never thought I would miss my kids in the typical way a mother does. Honestly, I can't stand my kids 1/2 the time. They drive me bat shit as my Favorite Aunt would say.

My parents raised me with strong ethics and morals, Church and family, that was #1, and roots. I hated it. I swore to god I was NOT going to be like my parents. I was not going to raise my kids the way they did. I would NOT have empty nest syndrome! Well I F*Ked that one up. God just laughed at me again. Oh, I didn't raise them EXACTLY like mom and dad, who by the way have been married 58 years this year, and still kicking, but somewhere in there, I think I got it right, which just messed up my plans of wanting my own life.

I will miss the HELL out of Antony, and I suppose, the other kids when it is their time to fly the coop.

Slow my Roll... ... it's complicated!

This will be a short one, but had a discussion last night with someone I care about a lot. Maybe to much right now, but rolling with it. Am I real? Yeah, as real as you can get. Loyal, blunt and have a wild streak a mile wide.

BUT, here's the deal, The people in my life are here for a reason, long term or short term, and I am good with that. This goes back to my blog on goals. Anyway, << hate that word, but have stuff to do, so again, this is a quick one.

I am who I am. You'll not find another like me. Maybe, but doubtful. Independent, strong willed, opinionated, but open to anything anyone wants to throw at me. Good, bad, or indifferent. I can deal. Mature enough to know what I want out of life, and smart enough to get it, and I will. Eventually.

Kids raised, schooling, Paris, license, and a man. Yea... a man, but not full time. Maybe eventually, but yeah.. we'll see.

So to this I add, I love the ones I had, I love the the one I'm with, and I will love the one in the future.


Rock and Roll Drummer man~Live to the music! Loving life~

Goals

Today is the day..... back to the Doctor. I have to say, this is a scary one for me, and something I rarely admit. My side is killing me, and I went cold turkey off all meds last July. I don't want meds again. I want my license and Paris, and ... yeah, Rick... eventually when we can mesh things together.

What I don't want is chemo. I swore to god they had better come up with something more effective, and as far as my research goes, they have not. I know this is back, I can feel it. I hate it, and I don't want it. It scares the shit out of me. I will NOT go back on chemo, so if any of my friends have links or advice or anything else that will get me through this holistically, then put them on here. I cannot take care of my kids and business, schooling and Paris if I am on chemo, won't work, and I refuse to give into this illness.

They call doctors practitioners for a reason, so, guess what? I can practice to, and google gives me a bevy of information on what I have and what I can possibly do to get me through this.

What I have? Retro peritoneal fibrosis. You can look it up, but basically it absorbs my internal organs. It is inflammation of internal organs and my spleen is gone, and now it is on my kidney and liver. WOW... did I say that out loud? Ya... I did. Sigh. Have to say, this sucks, but I will beat it. I did once before, and I will again.

It is an inflammation between the lining and the back wall of the peritoneum. On top of this, I have Raynauds and all this, together puts me at risk for a host of other cancers like non Hodgkins lymphoma, rare blood cancers, oh, and my recent fun with skin cancers. Basil cell is non invasive and easily taken care of, but not mine. Apparently I am an anomaly. Mine is invasive, just as invasive as melanoma. Hence my not being able to be out in the sun much, which annoys the crap out of me, because I LOVE the sun.

So, here's my thought... screw it! I will do what I can on my end, but I will NOT go on Chemo, and I will NOT give up my sun. I will however do everything else suggested.

Cats out of the bag. Have fun with this one, I know I will..... It's part of life.

Here is a link, and yes, mine is idiopathic, never been to the middle east and never did cocaine.http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001497/

Back to reality........ I'm putting friends on notice

I'm going to start this with a little caveat here. This in no way will change the core of who I am.

With that being said, I had quite an epiphany yesterday.

As most of you know, since the split with my husband, I have done some re-defining of my priority's and goals. However, those are being slowly de-railed due to me putting my self last. Of course we know my kids are 1st, but with 4 of them, in different schools, activities, and going in different directions, no help and dealing with a house that has been slowly falling apart, dealing with things left behind, clean up, and purging, plus trying to get in me time, things are getting out of hand.

My health is now becoming a major issue in the derailment of what I want, so I need to stop. Just stop, and focus again. This has not been by any means on purpose or easy to do what with all that I still have left to deal with here on the home front, but after realizing that I am now in a size 24" jeans, Its time for me, or I won't make it, and I have to make it for my kids, because there is no one else.

A lot of my close friends are aware of my illness, and I have always been pretty private about it, but here's the thing, when it has come to the point where it is affecting what I want, who I want, and where I want to be in life, it's time for help, and asking for help, and TRUST ME, I HATE asking for anything. I have always done things on my own. Even in my past relationships, I was the one who made things happen, got things done, or just moved on because it was not where I needed to be.

So beginning on Monday, I am making calls to my doctor whom I have not seen since November. I will be calling in favors for help with the schedule and kids. (which is another hard thing for me to do) but nuff said. There you go..... me time.

New begginings ... cont. ....god has a plan

So interesting story here; Since Paul had moved out, just about everything that could go wrong at the house, did. Oh lets see, electrical shorts, stove breaking, home invasion, (which entailed a new back door) all "his" stuff piled in back yard, and runs to dump to get rid of junk that was left behind.. ect.. been on the constant move here in the last 6 months.

I have doctor appointments and referrals put on hold, classes and schooling, just to keep up with the kids schedules. During all this time, I have also on the weekends that he had the children, gone out with my girlfriends and had fun. I had no intentions of meeting anyone or dating for that matter. To much to do, and with the way things were handled, I figured the kids needed at least one solid force in their life. Me.

So about a month ago, my daughter was up, and we did go out when the kids were home. Mostly cause Papa and other family was always around and I hadn't seen her in about 2 years. Since she left, I had decided to file for divorce. I know I lost Paul along time ago, and was at a turning point in re-defining what I wanted.

Let me back track a sec.. I have a group of people that I do hang with, and we all have a good time, and sorta look out for each other. Another good friend was talking to me about the electrical in my home, and we were trying to schedule when that could happen. In the meantime, I had hooked in with some old friends from the 80s on facebook, and have a bunch of musician friends I have re-connected with. Well one of them, I had added, and he messaged me about a week ago about my Harley shots. Asked if I ride. I do, but the bike is no-longer here, it was Paul's dream, and although we bought it together, I gave it to him when he left.

Now to the un expected. The electrical. The man who emailed me about the Harley, I happened to mention my electrical. He knows how to fix it, so he said he'd come up and take a look. As soon as he got here, my heart stopped. Wow, was all I could think, This is NOT what I need, but oh.. I am such a liar.. it was. It took about a week of back and forth and both of us denying that we had anything, and finally, I called him after a particularly rough evening with the lawyers, and he met me up in Everett. Since then we finally acknowledged how we felt, Ha.. a week, wow, but this is one amazing guy, and so yeah... there ya go, God did have a plan in all this.

Now to make it all fall into place with my goals, and his.

Yeah... he's a drummer, go figure.

By the way, yes, he has met the kids, and they are happy that mom is not going to grow old and become a crazy cat lady. (My Granddaughter told the school counselor that)

New Beginning's........OMG... the dog.

Alrighty then, this is it folks. Time for a new start and a re-defining of life as I knew it.

As some of you know, my husband and I separated in November of 2010. This separation actually started in Jan of 06, but I was apparently oblivious to what was happening. Oh, I saw some signs of things happening, but what, was not definable. He actually told me on September 29th of 2010, after a camping trip we took. Then continued to stay here. The day after Thanksgiving he said he was moving home to his mothers.

So, I had started a blog awhile back on inspiration, and decided I didn't need it. There were to many in-consistency in what was being said and what actions were taking place for me to think that we may have had a second chance at anything. No regrets here by the way. We had something, and now we don't. Time to move on.

This is where things get a little hinky, but it is what it is. I won't go into the details, because I refuse to degrade what my husbands choices are at this point, but for me, I am done, whether he thought he was or not.

Enough is enough. My priority's have always been the same. Kids 1st, then family, and ect... Now it is Kids, Job, and someday, one day, who knows when, a man that knows how to be honest and real, no games, and will accept me for me. Strong, independent and at times opinionated, but loyal and honest. Take it or leave it. Not marriage, at least that is not on my mind now.... and won't be until the kids are grown and gone, but I will have a man. Period.

So, no more inspiration blog, and going over memory's of my life as it was, it is from today forward. Anyone who knows me, truly knows me, knows I don't go back, I move on. I have always been that way.

So Chin up, boobies out, (as Oshun says) and on with life! We only have one, and my husband is correct in saying that.

This is my family. I love them.
Signing off for now~ Loving life!

Life changing events

I just finished reading a blog about an event that change a friends life, and I am now following it for inspiration.

This is a story of my life changing event.

15 years ago on Nov, 11th 1997, I met the man of my dreams. 14 years ago, on the 8th of January, we made a life commitment to each other. 13 years ago, on the 1st of February, I married him. We had a fairytale romance, and a beautiful little boy by June of 1999.

We were living in a rental home in Everett, and my husband decided that he wanted to go to college in Arizona for his Harley Davidson accredited mechanics degree. So we moved into his parents to save the money. During the time we were living there, my son who was 3 at the time, and in pre-school, mentioned something to the school counselor that changed the course of my husbands dreams. By the time we made it through the courts with my sons father, and a separation forced on us after 8 months, my husband was allowed to move back in with me. Also during this time, our son, Jacob, ended up with a ecol i and we almost lost him. He was 7 months old at the time. We missed each other terribly. It was a difficult time, and we did the best we could to get through it.

From his parents home, we then moved to a trailer with my son and our son. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, and we had her on weekends. We lived in the trailer home for 3 years, and had a second son. A month prior to giving birth to my second son, Gabriel, We took my oldest daughter's daughter in at the age of one. I had Gabriel on Oct. 29th 2001, and then on the 11th of Nov. 2001, I was sick at my husbands birthday and so I was rushed into the doctor. It took them 8 months to figure out what was wrong with me. I had an auto immune disorder that absorbed internal organs. My spleen was missing and I was on oral Chemotherapy. I took care of 4 children now, all under the age of 5. A newborn, a one year old, a 3 year old and a 5 year old, and drove them back and forth to school and activities, while my husband worked a job he hated. He would come home and take over for me so I could rest. I was also on very strong pain medicine back then. One night my husband had gone up to the store for me and his daughter to buy ice cream, when he came home, he was dancing. I loved him so much right then. He came in the door, and had a huge grin on his face. He had bought, not only the ice cream, but a dollar scratch ticket and won 5000.00! One of his other dreams was to build his own Harley,he already had the frame, from taxes from 1999 and with the 5000.00 we got the engine and tranny. No one in his life had ever backed him with his dreams.

I never lost sight of my marriage or my vows to my soul mate. This was forever. Amen.

In May of 2003, I asked if we could move to a house, we were squished in the trailer, and things were hard all the way around. We made a move to a house that was built in 1910 and we loved it. It had room for the kids, and us, a yard, and a creek. It was wonderful. My husband had worked for a different fence company for awhile, and then went back to the original one that he worked at when we lived at the trailer. During all these years, we had family reunions, took trips to North Dakota every year and made beautiful memories.

Life moves on.... to life changing events, cont....